I remember the rainy night I showed up on your door step begging for answers

It was 2 years later and I cried like it was yesterday

You invited me in and even though I hated you, in I walked

I remember feeling brave
I remember feeling broken, shattered
I remember how easily you brushed my tears off
But you acknowledged how **** I was
Such causality
And I wondered why you had asked me inside with no feeling of remorse.

I left shortly thereafter with fewer answers than I came with
I left with the feeling of regret all over again like a fresh coat of paint

But something happened that night
Somewhere between following you from room to room
Talking about insignificant memories
You reminded me that people move on
You reminded me how sometimes strength is a deep rooted pain, disguised.
And in that night I learned that I don't want your excuses after all
Even if you had any to give.

I waved to the girl in the mirror this morning and she turned away
I suppose she's sick of me, sick of my *******
I don't blame her. I'm sick of my **** too.

I smiled at the girl in the mirror today and she flashed a little smirk
My smile grew two sizes.  It looked like hope.

I said good night to the girl in the mirror tonight and she cried.
Tear by tear I watched her yell at me to go away, but I couldn't so I turned off the light and stayed with her.

I blew a kiss to the girl in the mirror this morning and she caught it with her hand
She rolled her eyes
And she stepped on my kiss with her heals

Can you not be such a reflection

Break me past my breaking point
Submerge me past the sea line
Suffocate my air, push my limits farther
Make loving you harder
Lace my life with confusion
Paint me a fictitious illusion
Tie my ankles and bind my wrists
Give me something to resist
I dare you to try like you have something to prove
I might just like it so I may just let you.

I laid in his fake world for hours
Eyes wide open, watching the ceiling
Escaping my own world, my own little demons
I was compelled by that feeling
Fingers on the walls
Just to know that this is real
Faded like dust, floating from place to place
A tupperware world I consented to be concealed
Brightness turned to night
I watched my world crumble from inside that plastic
The most serene feeling
Was actually rather tragic

He tried to play a girl who knows a thing or two
But his game was hella wack
A miserable rookie trying to play in the big leagues
Looking a lot like Colin Kaepernick
Switching girls the way you switch up gears
Bad timing, stalling from 1 to 2
You're messy and all over the road, boy
You wanna be a player? Well here, let me show you -

He lived by 'Can't Stop, Won't Stop'
I caught on and adopted
And when I started I couldn't stop
I wouldn't stop it

My homeland is bleeding
Everywhere I turn, my brothers are fleeing
My sisters are kneeling
I stop and I stare, inside I am screaming
And my heart is racing
My palms are sweating
These sirens won't stop ringing
My homeland is bleeding

Happy Birthday from Earth
Can you hear me up there?
This was the day we'd live like we couldn't die
Like we weren't going anywhere
You're not here to experience another year
I can't say Happy Birthday without a river of sorrow
Having you would be a day to celebrate
But without you, it's just another sad tomorrow.

You loved me once
But I buried that in the dirt
In the junk yard behind my fence
Where forgotten things commingle with hurt
It's a perfect image of us
All along, this has been our apparent fate
You'll forever be the junk in that yard
But I refuse to be another girl living with your pain.

I used to love the moon
The idea that we both saw the same light
From different angles
From different time zones
But now I envy the moon
Because she reminds me that love fades
That it will come and go
Just as she does
Just like you do

I wanted so badly to be loved by you
That I let you suffocate me with a fake idea

I crawled off the Muni
Gagging from too much liquor
Smeared ash from the ground on my face
Sitting next to the Quick Stop, with a quarter of a Miller
I waited for you, Aimee
Someone like you
Innocence that should surround you
You were painted with hues
The roaring of armed pedestrians
A home made of paper and broken glass
You sat next to me for someone to listen
And I was going nowhere fast
I listened and I heard your pain
Too young to know it's not normal
Sweet thing, don't give up
Resist the inevitable
These people will dye your skin new colors
And time will show no mercy
I've waited a lifetime for you to be here with me today
For someone to listen to this advice that I wished someone would have told me.

These jeans slip off my waist
The way you slipped through my fingers
I'm a little bit lost with an unmarked direction
Fighting the light you left behind that still lingers
Tangled in these bedsheets
Hiding from real life in just my underwear
Reaching for you, where you're supposed to be
But it's not you who's there
Lay me down, he takes what he's here for
I hesitate and he continues to stay
Without you I feel lifeless
I slowly feel my body decay.

I gently bite your knuckles
And I'm captivated by your eyes
Your kisses silence me
In and out of our sleepless nights
Don't stop loving me
Don't even let the idea creep into your mind
I am yours forever in this life
And you're undoubtedly mine.

I wonder how you breathe
It's been so long since I had you close to me
I wonder if you still lay in bed formulating dreams
Filling the void inside with a new me

I wonder of your thoughts these days
If they've changed much since that one New Year's Day
When we held each other tight and fell into a haze
Talking about So Cal and the kids we would raise

I wonder if you miss us while your living your new life
If you lay awake like I do most nights
Searching for a solace that will bring new light
Anything that will make this feel more right

I wonder, oh I wonder - were we meant to meet
I let you walk into my life and take me completely
I wonder if I have you today, the same way you have me
I wonder if you'll ever let me find peace

Would you meet me with your worst confessions
Tomorrow before sunrise
I'll tell you all of my secrets there
Like the other girls do with the guys they like
The place that tourists of our town go for beauty
Is the place us tragic, dreaming teens descend
The moments when we find ourselves most lost -
Would you meet me at Lands End

This scar on my shoulder reminds me that you were real
Those texts in my old flip phone show me you were here
I hear your laugh in my head
And see your eyes when I look in the mirror
I can still feel your body heat
Like you never left

He keeps her photo in his wallet
From all those years back when
They made mistakes and loved each other
In those brief summer months spent

He keeps her photo there for certainty  
To remind him love is real
And even though he threw it all away with her
The picture helps him heal

So many years have past since then
And she was so long ago
She still looks just the way he remembers her
When pulls out that old photo

A cigarette in peace
I'd like to know where peace is
Maybe she's here
In this moment
On this stairway
Compared to tomorrow
Compared to what is yet to come
Maybe my peace has come and gone
Or maybe I didn't recognize her when I passed through
Maybe I just missed her
And she waved at me from the sand bar
Maybe  she's in this cigarette
And I'm disintegrating her sweet promise to ash
Maybe she's in all things fatal
Oh, the irony of the possibility.

You asked me to listen
But all I see are your lips moving
All I think of is your tongue
The places I would rather it be right now
Shhh. Shut up, I'm listening..
To my own thoughts.

Watch her
She will leave. Just as fast as you can blink
Watch her
She will leave. Despite what you may feel or think.
Catch her
If you can. She will fade with every breath
Catch her
If you care. She will be your worst regret.

He was my light
In my world of haze
In this town I ran and ran, desperate for a way out
In this fancy house that echoes when I breathe  
In this life where I sold my soul searching for love
And then there was you

She was my light
In my world of midnight
In my city smothered by smoke
In this crack house barely standing on Grand Ave
In this life where I hustled because love is for fools
But then there was you

He splashed my brain with *******
She cracked through my barrier with her purity
He filled my days with something real, something I could touch
She stayed for laughter, she stayed for love
We collided and we became a dominate force.

Vintage baby
With your 519 Levi's and high tops
Slicked hair, don't care
Soft eyes you risen angel
Vintage baby
You got me
Yeah, you got me
You got me good
I got it bad
Watching you against your '67 Camero  
Slowly ashing away your drag

You've always got some pretty little thing
Mid week comes and she has a new name
You're rugged baby
Made for heartache, a physical heart break
Modern day Greaser
The baddest in the school
I wonder about you as I sun bathe in my pool
Walking home or running from basic
Good girl I stay but watching you is toxic
Give me a chance baby, I promise you'd like it
Turn a good girl into a terrible classic babe
I promise you'd like it

You speak of Him
But who is he?
Is he a man of your past
Or a figure of your dreams
Did he really steal your heart
Or did you give it to him willingly
Tell me who is he

You speak of Him
And I wonder what he is
Was he some kind of savior
Or a dark abyss
Did he turn your walls inside you black
Or free you with every kiss
Please tell me dear sister who he is

He was the sky and the heavens
With a splash of hell
I wasn't expecting to fall so far so fast
With just an introduction to his world
He did steal my heart
But I suppose I consented
To be honest, I can't recall
I've been so disconnected
I'm not sure what he was anymore
Or if it all was even real
I wake up every morning
And can't determine how I feel
He may have been great
Or he may have been terrible
The more I think about him the more his memory
Fades from my cerebral
I am without memory and without feeling
My days have turned grim
So you decide for yourself about who he is
This is the after effect of Him

Sweet as candy, lemon squeeze
I religiously take 2 sugar cubes in my morning tea
Unless it is Sunday, then I have 3
But I lose track of days so I always take 3
I dye my hair white so that I can wear organic fleece
Imported from the marketplace in Venice, Italy
I like rainbow sprinkles melted on my Bitto cheese
Would you be so kind to fetch me some, please?
Oh yes, I adore my little castle on the edge of Rimini
I open my kitchen cabinets to feel the salty breeze
I don't ever leave.
My hallways play music so that I can tap dance and sing
In the southwest corridor I lay down to watch the ceiling
Gold on my fingers and diamonds on my feet
I am the queen of my city
And I defy lucidity

Let your kisses smell like Daisy's
And your skin be soft as velvet
May your wishes sparkle your days
And your nights be forever enchanted.

"You're crazy baby"
He held my face in his hands
He kissed me and said
"You're not going anywhere"
He kissed me like he needed me
And he ****** me like it was the last time-
Every time

"You're crazy baby"
He loved me through his wickedness
Through his lies, through his cheating nights
"You're not going anywhere"
He loved me in the only way he understood
We loved and lied like Kennedy and Marilyn

"You're crazy baby"
He would yell, as he moved like fire through the house
Destroyed my sense of security and my sanity
His favorite wall paper was his fist through the sheet rock
"You're not going anywhere"
He was a **** fool
"You're crazy baby"
I finally yelled back
He ruined what could have been a masterpiece
And it will be his worst regret
"You're not going anywhere"
I finally realized
He will forever be trapped in this hole

And I was **** right.. he never did make it anywhere

You ****** up
And I forgave you
I told you that would be the last time I'd take you back
Thinking I'd scare you straight
But I didn't and you ****** up again
And I was so angry
The last words I said to you was
What the **** am I doing here
And I walked out.
I felt so weak
But I thought that was my strongest move
I thought you'd call
I thought you'd knock on my door
But you never did
But even though I told you I wouldn't forgive again
Even though I was so angry
I loved you still
And I would have taken you back if you had tried
I would have willingly struggled through your deceit
So I silently thank you today for not giving a ****
Because you didn't deserve me.

Alone in my castle
Some still say that I miss you
On the street and behind closed doors
They all whisper about you
I can't help but hear them but I pretend that I don't
Curious lips and watchful eyes
They follow me like some damsel
I walk past them with poise as if you were here still
But I continue through this dreadful gate
To begin another night alone in my castle

I did not walk
I was dragged through this valley
With her
A shadow of death
Though I do not fear the outcome
I fear this journey.

My skin that bled for days
And I thought I might drown in such blood
Barley breathing
He came to heal my wounds
My new skin
Covering my lashes and panic
To bring new light.
To bring new hope.
But yesterday I fell
And I scraped my hands and cracked my head open
I sat there and watched the blood run down my body
I watched the blood drip from my mascara painted eyelashes
And my tears made a ****** mess
I tasted like cheap copper
Little by little I faded away
Because my new skin was ruined
And I couldn't see it anymore
My new skin had vanished
All his light
All my hope
He vanished from me and I was forever more just a blood stain on the street

I'm sure he's a great
But I don't need a great man

I need chaos and mayhem
I need destruction and ruin
I need defiance and uncertainty

I don't want a great man
Because great men don't want girls like me.

Loving me is begging for a heart break baby-
But I'll show you if you let me

We do take them as fools
As much as they do take us
And so we circle through this painful cycle
Scheming in and out of love.

I'm in a war my love, I intent to return to you soon
Trapped between terrified of commitment and not wanting to leave you
Afraid of the future and hesitant to make a serious move
Will you wait for me lover or drift away to a new

See, I can't help but feel like with you I would remain
Leaving my solo life behind and taking your name
Forever tangled in love until the end of our days
Although I do want this, I feel slightly strange

Sometimes I feel too wild for you and I'm scared I may wander
Afraid to hurt you badly and loose sight of each other
Or look back in 20 years and can't help but wonder
Was there something else in life I was meant to uncover

This battle has me occupied but you remain in my mind
You have given me your heart in exchange for mine
I still love you immensely, all these fears aside
I promise to have a resolution soon love, I just need some time.

I wanted love
But loving him was black
Like a cave that I was interested to explore
Newfound beauties that I thought would bring me excitement
But instead it cut me off from the world and held me captive.

I found you and my eyes were introduced to color
My skin felt the sun and my hands reached for life
You found me and you painted my whole world with excitement and laughter
And We fell in love.

I called for an elevator today
I walked in and didn't press a floor
I wished it would take me to a place far away from here
As it gently shut its doors.
I closed my eyes as it lifted me
Gliding past hallways and empty suites
Thinking of the me and you I hoped for us
The me and you we used to be.

Knock, knock;
Hollow and empty
You can come back another day if you want
But you'll still find nothing.

Love is not enough.

It's not enough to love someone the way that I know how
Or show them I care when I can
It's not enough to do all that you can do
To make him feel like he's important.

People need more. They always do.
But we don't know this upfront
We always believe that love is enough
Until we're back at square one.

Love is never enough, I've determined
Maybe I just have no more to give
I'm doing the best I can to love this man
But it's just not enough for him

My love is not enough.

I hate you so much because I want you so bad
It's always a loosing battle trying to erase you from my head
You cause havoc that wrecks me, your finger tips shake my core
A passion so deep you have me begging for more
All I want is to get rid of you,
But you seep through every pore
Slowly drip drop to my brain
It's only when I imagine you with me that I feel somewhat sane
You're just a demon that I live with now
I hear your voice and feel your lips
Asleep or awake, I can't see past you
You cloud my eyes like an eclipse
I don't know what you did to me all those years ago
I'm struggling to move past you because you block my every road
Without you I'm unfinished and deprived
I'm in a manic-like condition
Having had a taste of you, I can say with confidence
You are the worst addiction.

I wear her rose petal eau de parfum
So that you turn your head when I walk by
Just enough to trigger that brain of yours
Into a ***** thought when I catch your eye,
Trick your senses to believe I'm her
Spark a desire to grasp me tight
I just want my lips all over you
Not for forever, just for one night.

The way you turned my sweet heart into nothing
Was like watching ice cream melt to asphalt

Shoot me up, just a taste
Numb my core with sweet novicane
Poison my veins, rippling clear across my brain
So strong that I don't feel a single thing
Not a pinch of delight, veering on the edge of insane
In a dream-like state
Soundlessly floating away.

I've met you before, Lucy
But this time I intend to stay
I'm captivated by your prison, chained inside your domain
In this realm of impurity, you are my desired escape.

He was a shadow, slick and empty
Full of greed and disparity
I push him away but he was drawn to my purity
A complex chemistry,
He and I
He devoured me and I felt alive
I searched for his love for all my life
And yet only did I find,
Simply a Devil trapped inside.