Hey you.

I’ve been pondering whether or not I should do this..
Seeing as our shared duration of interest with one another was so short.
Well,
On your end atleast.
However,
For myself,
And my own contentions,
I wished it had continued; so I will write one last time as a means to find some clarity in my delusions over you.

I.
I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for you.
That I would ignore the underlying feelings
that had been created the moment we met.
To this day, I share mixed feelings regarding us.
If there ever was an ‘us’.
Sometimes I talk to myself, convincing the inner mind that I should’ve tried harder with you, fought tooth and nail for you.
Yet,
Near our end,
I knew this wouldn’t fit your agenda.
You desired something else.
Something I completely disregard via my own experiences.
Once perhaps,
But now,
I seek the opposite.
A friend,
but more.
It’s always more with this body.
It cannot be satisfied by means that I am aware of.
But you.
For a moment,
which I’m sure you’ll doubt,
I was vividly content with my life whenever I was by your side.
For the first time in six years I felt what I had felt back then.
You broke rusted chains of bitter emotion that had restrained me,
that kept me in the dark and isolated me from my own positive emotions.
It’s been over a month now.
I feel immense pain over you,
Yet somehow it’s bearable this time.
I feel pain, and I feel nothing.
Two sides of my own coin that will remain separated,
And never to be conjoined.
Will I ever be able to better understand what I seek,
Or who I am?
Why must I be different from the others?
These questions remain foggy.
Nevertheless,
These sentences are not intended to make you feel guilty nor remorseful in any way.
I just needed to write I guess.
And how could I blame you?
You saved yourself a great deal of pain and difficultly fleeing whilst you had a chance.
Perhaps you never cared for me..
Or maybe you did.
I’ll never truly know,
and that’s what most saddening about our experience together.

Perhaps I am still paying off the debt of karma that was acquired from the first heart I broke.

II.
Whatever fate decides.
I will always miss you, beloved

Oh fate.
My lovely fate.
However will she choose?
.
.
The anticipation is lingering.
One path promises immediate satisfaction.
The other,
Well,
We both know how that would feel.
I want her.
But the certainty I have of me being unchosen is overwhelming.
Second choice one too many times.
I cannot blame you however.
I chose this fate and fate’s grasp shall always outreach me.
I was hoping you’d be there for me,
Regardless,
You will be.
But only until our true departure arrives.
It was a good thing.
You and I.
What felt so real with such a short life.
Im certain you’ll forget my existence.
I know that won’t be possible for me.
I’ll stoop into another phase of isolation,
Rejection,
And fear of those who try and enter this dark,
Decrepit life of mine.
Can you truly blame me for my fear of humans?
It’s been so long,
Since I’ve had someone.
Having you in my arms is beyond words for me.
So please,
Don’t feel remorse for hurting me.
I had no place in your life to begin with.
A stone on the pathway only to be second glanced over the arch of your shoulder.
What I would have given for you to have chosen differently.
I could be your one.
Your only one.
And despite your dissatisfaction with what I consider conventional relationships.
What I see is -
Essentially something beyond words.
At the core of two beings in harmony,
Is quite possibly the rarest element on earth.
Love,
Is what I could have given you.

you always had a pull on me;
you were my moon,
and I, your tide

many moonless nights have passed since the moment you decided it was over
the waves cease to crash against the shore

stagnant

the vast, black ocean
waits for someone to wade in
swim around
and make her feel whole
again.

It still hurts..
How do you forget
the thing that crushed your heart?
The pain is still there,
haunting me.
It goes away,
but it always come back.

and it still hurts the same way it hurt before

I miss you
And you aren’t even gone yet
From experience
I know how this will end

One day you will find someone new
Meet someone funnier; prettier
You’ll slowly slip away
All while denying anything is wrong

When you look into her eyes
You will see a future
When you look in my eyes
You see lust and desire

There is no future for us here
so why do I let myself fall in love anyway?

No poetry this time.

Just here to say that love is a futile effort.

Never found,

Never held,

I will remain alone for as long as I exist.

Cursed by my influx of unnecessary emotion.