I used to think that I only write when I’m sad or heartbroken.
It makes me think that I only love sadness.
Every time I’m happy, I didn’t have anything to say, but when I’m sad - I’ve got million of words flowing through my mind.
I’ve learnt to just accept it; to write only when I’m sad.
I’ve learnt it’s my coping mechanism.

I love him. I care about him more than anything in this world.
At some point, I thought that he was my forever. Except two years later, I didn’t feel happy.
No, scratch that, I’ve been unhappy for awhile.
I have only been prolonging the break up.
He was perfect; a perfect gentleman. Although he has his cons, he was a great man.
I was his first love. The man have never dated anyone before. I used to think I was lucky.
He always makes sure that I’m happy, and never sad. He tries to cheer me up with his dumb jokes.
He always stayed positive even if we were 700km away, separated by the sea.
He had faith in me. He had faith in us. That made me stayed. That made me love him.

But he was also naive. He didn’t know how to really make me happy. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful; because I am grateful for his presence. He learns things on social media on how to make a girl happy. He tried hard to make me happy when we’re far away from each other. He bought me gifts, he always helped me.

But all I wanted was to be understood.

I tried explaining to him a lot of times. But sometimes, people do have a hard time understanding mental illness and I don’t blame him for that. I stopped making him understand about me. I still stood by his side; pushing him to be the best version of himself. I had no one but him in my lowest moments, and so I stayed for him. I fought hard for our relationship.

Until I couldn’t fight anymore.

I felt caring for him was tiring. I felt keeping it all inside was tiring. I felt like making him understand is tiring because he just never understands. He tried to help; or so he thought; but it was never a help. There were words that I’ve listened to a lot of times.

I didn’t want to be a burden to him anymore. I tried to hold on by reading our texts, trying to remember everything that we’ve been together. I tried to think of what our friends would’ve handled it. I thought about him. I thought of us.

But I never thought of me.
I realized I was holding on to the relationship because it was for him and other people.
I’m telling him soon that I’m leaving him.
I have always cared for him. He will always have a special place in my heart.

But I matter most.

"Does the right guy at the wrong time will ever get their chance again?"

I recently reconnected with a friend of mine, and it went great
and soon my close friends asked me
what if he's the right guy?
and for a moment i kept quiet just thinking about him
we failed before, and now that we've reconnected being friends again,
what if he's just the right guy but at the wrong time?
the old me would've fantasize about it so much,
but right now, all i'm thinking is whether right now
is the right time
to be thinking of love.

so the question now is:

is it the right time to finally accept the right guy?

"I feel like I'm going to break his heart."*

"He broke yours"

it doesn't have to be him
so, get up
wipe your tears
and man the **** up.
it doesn't have to be him

I still remember the day you walked into my life. It was lightly raining and the sun was just starting to come out, but it was still dark and gloomy. It's funny how the moment I see that geeky-looking kind of guy, I never thought I'd be so in love with him till today. It's frustrating that I can't re-live that moment, but I'm happy that I've met you.*

But, all of this jealousy seeing you with her, daydreaming and running away from life, it's not healthy for me. I am very sure that I love you as I keep on giving excuses for all the pain you've caused me. I still think of your feelings after all the pain. I was ready to be there for you even after ending things. This isn't healthy for me, I know, but I can't help it when it comes to you.