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i unscrew
my head
like a lightbulb
and
let all
my thoughts
spill out

if i hand you
my head,
will you see
that
i’m dead?
can
it
be?
is this
the end?

a better me
doesn’t exist
at least,
not yet
but i’m trying to
tiptoe my way
there
and for now
i’ll take
what i can get
all the flags
waving in front
of me are red
and the thoughts
of dread
and feelings of
excitement
are fighting
violently
in my head

there’s something
about having to hide
that makes me
feel dead
inside
but at the same time
i hate seeing myself
and all my ugliness
in the light
maybe this is wrong
maybe it’s the only thing
that’s right
in my life

i don’t know
anymore
i can barely
even
sleep at night

i know i’m a **** up
and even when i
really
really
try
the efforts are
pointless
i end up
stuck
again
and
again
with no end in sight
never even
dreaming or hoping
that i’ll end up
on top
or even in the middle
i’ll keep bringing
myself back down
to the bottom
until
the hole is deeper
than the darkest
part of the ocean
 May 18
Arlo Disarray
attempts to create connections
always seem so inauthentic
it feels more natural
to push people away
so that i don’t have to
experience
the rejection
on my end

i don’t think i’ve ever
been comfortable
inside my own skin
but i try to find ways
to learn to love me
and when i fail
to find a way
to make that happen
i push everyone else away

i’m my own punching bag
no one could be as cruel to me
as i am
and i think the reason
i beat myself up
so badly
is to keep
anyone else
from being able
to hurt me
 May 15
Arlo Disarray
sometimes i like to say ****
solely to **** people off
and it often backfires
because they’re either too ignorant
to realize what i’m trying to say
or they just think i’m cute
and sweet
only to laugh it off
without thinking twice
“she can’t mean it that way,
she’s too nice”

i feel so alone
i always run hot
but i feel so cold
every time i think
i have found a friend
i still have to force myself
into a shape i don’t recognize
trying to shift my muscles
and my bones
in a way that fit the mold
so i can be stomached
by others
and seen
the way they want
to see me
in their eyes

it’s different with you
and that’s why this is so hard
because you’re so far
and even though we’ve never met
i feel like
i connect
with so much
of what you are
but the reality is
we may always be apart
i want to hold you in my heart

even if
i am always here
and you’re
always there
it takes a lot
to break through
the walls i am constantly
trying to build
and rebuild
and make me admit
how much i care

but i am glad
i’ve let you in
i hate
and love
how much
you make me grin
 May 13
Arlo Disarray
unless there’s something
that i missed
the right direction
doesn’t exist
and i’m left
endlessly wandering
as i’m clumsily
stumbling
into
walls
there’s nothing
at all
nowhere i belong
none of this
adds up
life doesn’t
make any ******* sense
it’s all wrong

i don’t know
what’s a bigger mess
this meat in my head
or this thing in my chest
they’re both ******* stupid
always trying to see who’s best
when in reality
they’re both ****** up
so there’s really
no contest

i try to be funny
because when
i make people laugh
i can trick myself
for a moment
into thinking i’m happy
and when those moments end
it all comes rushing back
all the thoughts of
self hatred
the fear of inadequacy
the disgust of my complacency
and then i remember all over again
why i keep ending up
back here
in this hole
but it doesn’t matter
what i know
i just don’t
care enough
to make things better
i just hope
i don’t grow old
 May 13
Arlo Disarray
happiness evades me
as the truth sinks in
about all that i’ve done
but even more so
what i haven’t

the light is bright
but it just infects my eyes
it’s too hard to see
what’s up ahead of me
as my eyeballs blister
and fall out of my skull
they roll in the dirt
and get coated in filth

days come and go
they’re all the same
with subtle differences
that are not enough to keep me sane
my rotten brain
has too many awful things to say
about the world
and my life
and mostly
about me

the ticking of my clock
acts as a metronome
to every unheard song
that gets stuck in my head
my toes get trapped in mud
as i try to tap them
and eventually i give up
on making any sense
to anyone around me
because i don’t
get me either
 May 10
Arlo Disarray
if you dissected
a frog
what would
you see?
could it be
all the ugly
*****
secret
parts of me?

and if
you
saw
a nasty
spider
then you gave it
a good splat
and left it
on the wall to rot
that’s me
that’s where i’m at

when there’s a scab
that just keeps itching
one you
just can’t help
but pick
and it bleeds
never healing
it’s me,
that’s me
i’m it

i’m a bad dream
that leaves you
shaking
in cold sweat
only to have you
wake up
wishing you
wouldn’t forget
i linger just a bit
like a bad taste
on your tongue
keep you guessing
who the hell
i could be
if i decide
to let myself be free
and i think
we’re both
a little
if not
a lot
scared
of how great this
and we
could be
 May 4
Arlo Disarray
i dream of
an awkward
first kiss
that starts
at my forehead
and gravitates
to my lips

i can see
a shared smile
and hear
a childish
chuckle
echoing between us
as we say
“**** the universe”
and we throw away
all the past things
we’d rehearsed
because, let’s face it
the us we’ve been
has been cursed
and the world around us
has been pointing
to
so many signs
trying to lead us
to each other
but somehow
we’ve still never touched
never kissed
never licked
never ******
maybe deep down
we know it’d
be too much
and we’d both
just melt
into puddles
and remain
as mush

but whenever
i tell my heart
to hush
it talks back
all sassy
like a teen girl
to her mother
saying “idgaf”
and like
girl, i get it
i am it
i live it
but
what
the
****?

why do i try
and then run
out of luck?

*******
hockey puck

something
something

i’m a frog
and i am
too afraid
to strut my stuff
 Apr 29
Arlo Disarray
does it make you feel
like a big, strong man
to bring up my dead dad
and call him a loser
for being so sad?
and then to compare me
to him
like i don’t
stand a chance
to go anywhere
and i may as well
give up
and go to hell
because i’m already
living there
every day
is a nightmare
when i should be
following my dreams
and not my fears
but i’ve been fighting
with these feelings
for several years
i’ve cried the seven seas
worth of tears
and i’m done with this ****
i no longer want you here
i don’t need your negativity
dragging my bones through the dirt
i’m tired of being broken
and hurt
as you tear and rip
me down to nothing
and steal away my worth
i was put on this earth
for more than your
petty entertainment
my strings are being cut
and i’m no longer
letting you have control
it’s my world now, baby
and there’s a fire
blazing in my soul
 Apr 27
Arlo Disarray
i am always
pushing away
the people
that bring me joy
because i always think
in the back of my mind
that they couldn’t possibly
care about me
and i try to make sure
i reject them
before they reject me

my life is such a lonely place
my heart is such a vacant space
never letting anything stay
because there are too many
fears i’d have to face

so i remain bitter
and calloused
pretending to smile
when the occasion calls for it
but it’s so rare
that i’m smiling because i want to
and not because i feel
like i have to
 Apr 22
Arlo Disarray
there is a lot
i know
i could give
if i allowed myself
to want
to live

but i tend to be
much more of
a teaser
than a pleaser
i want to be loved
but am too
afraid to let
anyone in

my body is a nightmare
it scares me
more than anything
i have hated it
for as long as
i can remember
dating back
to when i was just a child
with self harm
being contemplated

my biggest fear
is being seen
i am so ashamed
of me
that i
always compare myself
to everyone else
i could possibly be
raised on self loathing
and insecurity
never learning
how to find
my own
body positivity

i often feel ugly
unwanted
and unworthy
of anything
but the pathetic
little existence
that i’ve enclosed myself
within
i wish i could cut off
all my skin
take out my innards
and build myself again

but
a needle and thread
couldn’t reconstruct my head
yards of yarn
couldn’t crochet
my crooked mind
and smile
away

it would take more
than shiny buttons
to spruce me up
because i’m
******
and
i forgot what i was saying
before my honesty got lost
along the thought
process
of the things
i try to confess
before the drinks wear off
and i’m back to square one
trying to find my way
to the top
of the bottom
which is
where i’ll
likely
stay
 Apr 17
Arlo Disarray
right now
time only serves
to torment me

taking all the best moments
and erasing them
a little bit at a time
until i can barely
recall the things
i used to care about

the world around me
is often
suffocating
making me feel
as if a boa constrictor
is squeezing
tightly around me

i have been crushed
into little
ugly
icky
piles of dust
because of my
inability
to avoid
falling in lust
and the amount of times
i‘ve left my heart out in the rain
it’s just layered
and coated
in rust

i am stuck
on repeat
like a skipping
disk
always taking
a risk
when i find myself
getting too comfortable
then letting
all my progress
go to ****

my brain
is sometimes
kinda smart
but my heart
is the biggest idiot
which is why
so often
i try not to admit
the stupid ****
that hides
deep inside of it

the life i thought i knew
is crumbling beneath me
and i keep falling through
hitting each and every obstacle
that has found its way
into my existence
there’s no point
in showing resistance
i keep falling and falling
but i never
finish
going
the distance
 Apr 14
Arlo Disarray
i am often filled
with dread
when the words
begin to stir
like
there’s
a blender
in my head

i feel paralyzed
like everything else
is just getting in my way
and feeling like
nothing in that moment
is more important
than what i’m
desperately
trying to say

and when the lights
flicker
and dim
until they finally go out
my brain
keeps getting zapped
by what i’m
stuck
thinking about

there are little monsters
with pitchforks
jabbing and jamming
into my skull
until they reach
that meat inside
and they fuel
me up
to full
as i’m
feeling
each direction
my mind
is being
pulled

communicating
in a real
and
honest way
is too hard

trying to
*****
and find those
words
i want to say
is like
attempting
to
find
a tiny needle
in the hay

time is a
tricky
little ****

it sneaks up
so fast
and then
stalls
and makes
the most
brutal moments
last

days just disappear
and they are never seen
or lived in again
and sometimes
it’s that fact
that causes
me to envy them
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