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Lily Feb 2020
I forgot how it felt to be hungry
How your bones rack for crumbs on the bottom of your heart
My bones feel like brittle; ready to break at a gush of wind
But Brittle is candy
Candy is a sweet delicacy of whom people like me refuse to have
Candy is what I believe I can be
Only if I change into one of those target plastic models
Perfect and pristine, standing as if they are mocking me
Making fun of my creatures in the dark
And my not-so-ideal summer body
I just want a summer body
I want to see what other people see in me
I want to be all that I could be if I was pretty
So I start dropping things off of my menu, drop by drop
First a side dish, then my sugary drink
That drink should go to hell for how much weight it makes me gain
I reach down my throat until my regrets come back up
Reminding me I cannot be pretty the way other girls get to be
Ducking to the restroom after a meal
Anxiety overwhelming every ounce of me as soon as I eat
There is beauty in pain, right?
Or beauty is pain?
Either way, they are correlated
That is good enough to allow me to turn myself in who I want to be
I was over this, I thought I was over being hungry
But then a man stared at me while I was walking to Walgreens
I do this to be beautiful for just a moment
But I also do this to disappear
Don’t look at me like that flesh of meat that day on that broken night
I want it to go away even if it means my bones shake on a sunny day
Even if my soul weeps at night
Even if my friends pick up on what’s wrong
Oh, please don’t pick up on what’s wrong
Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
Let me be in control of my body
Watch me clatter to the floor and please don’t help me
Let me shake and quake
Watch me wear a heavy sweater and get out of breath walking
Let me substitute food for sweet vapor in my lungs
oooh it tastes sweet like brittle
Let me disappear
Please just let me disappear.
Trigger warning! This is a personal experience so please be nice :)
Lily Feb 2019
Walking on eggshells
You never knew what that quite meant
Until she came along
Aphrodite on earth
Tugging at your fingertips
Loving all your curves
Whispers in the night

She took your hand
And dragged you along
Through her personal fairy tale land

Her land
Her confidence
Her freedom so loud
You could see an eagle next to her

Why couldn’t you be like that?
Maybe she would’ve stayed if you had
But you had the voice of a mouse
The freedom of zoo animals
The land of the not-so-free

Perhaps she got sick of the endless hiding
You called them adventures,
hoping she would buy into the idea
Of sliding, sliding, sliding
Deeper into the closet
she had so proudly dug herself out of

It wasn’t meant to be
The girl of the trapped
And the girl of the free
Yet they so strongly held on
To giggles and cuddles
The love of your lifetime
But soon she was gone
Lily Feb 2019
Dumbwaiters
Cabinets
Pantrys
Closets

We hide ourselves wherever we can
A rainbow spilling over in every crevasse
of our hidden identities

Secret club meetings and handshakes
Blue feathers reaching towards the sky
from our vulnerable heads
Hayley Kiyoko references
whispers in the night from an all girls sleepover
Violet flowers spilling from our hands

Identities lost in a sea of overwhelming fear
Of people finding the hidden door
Opening it up, trying to find hidden treasures
Hidden treasures discovered to be
Rainbow potion

We are united through hiding
We are the hidden ones
Lily Mar 2019
I miss you
I miss who you used to be
The genius, gentleman, jokester
The guy I used to write college essays about
Question: who do you want to be like?
My brother

Where did he go?
Where is the light?
The light with gold in its tracks
I want to see the gold
That sleepy gold that made me believe
Believe in so many things
Goals, and dreams, and miracles
The gold that’s called
My Brother

I want to understand
Believe he’s still there
My brother with stars in his eyes
But as you can see I’m still here
With tears of confusion
Mourning the loss
of my brother

I’m here, and I love you
For all you are now
But you see
you aren’t who you once were
The one I bragged about
Smart even when sleeping
With work you were over-leaping
Across any expectations that were made
That is who my brother is

I guess I just want
That boy in yellow
The one from
The happiest times

For now I’ll just be here
With my stuffed octopus
Remembering my brother
That used to be
This is about my brother who just got checked into a mental health hospital and probably has schizophrenia. Just for some reference about what this is about.
Lily Feb 2019
Crashing and turning
So beautiful yet destructive
A young girl reaching out to someone
she can never quite catch

Maybe thats why tidal waves are so strong
Wanting to talk to the land
Tell them how their destructive humans are destroying it
Drowning in lack of love
Drowning in itself

So confusing
So overwhelming
Tidal waves rolling out of her eyes
Crashing into her soul
Cracking it
Until there is nothing left
But tidal waves

— The End —