This smile I hold for you,
For safe keeping,
I think I’d like to keep it.

My truth will set me free
Because it has to
I can’t breathe trapped in here
Suffocating on my own anger
Spilling from my eyes
White hot
And it burns me again
As it always has
But I grit my teeth through the pain
As I always have
I deny you the pleasure of watching me suffer
I know that’s what you crave
But you’ll suffer as I have
I promise
Trust my rage

Daggers from ones you love
Are buried so much deeper
Their edges sharpened
Because they are not often brandished
Not like the blunt wooden spears
Of the permanently cruel
Not that they don’t hurt
But when someone you love
Takes their dagger from their belt
And holds it with a darkened smile
Never breaking eye contact
They won’t look away
They are no coward
They raise the blade above their head
For they need all of their power
And they aim it in a brutal place
In the most painful place
The place you held them in
They plunge their knife into your heart

The moonlight falls onto my skin,
Silver and rippling
And I feel a semblance of peace.
I close my eyes
To let it all in
And let it all go.
My eyes glisten
With the reflection
Or tears perhaps.
I find I don’t care which.
Because peace is precious,
Peace and a certain kind of silence.
Not the lonely kind,
The suffocating kind.
Just the silence of calm.
I allow myself hope for a moment
That everything could be ok,
That I might be ok.

I can keep choosing words
To express what I’ve lost
But it’s not complicated
I loved you
It doesn’t matter how
And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying
Ever let you go
You’re gone
And I’m broken without you
What’s new?

I think I’ll always love strawberries
Because of you
I’ll look at them and smile
And I’ll remember that too
I’ll look twice at every cyclist
That races past me
But I’ll never find what I’m looking for
Because it’s you I want to see
I want to hold tight to the feeling
Of warmth that you give
I’ll sometimes stop and think of you
No matter who I’m with
And even when I find a lover
From whom I am never apart
I’ll always remember the first man
Who tried to fix my broken heart
Your laugh is my favourite thing
That I have ever known
Your presence calms my raging mind
With you I never feel alone
You have made me so much stronger
Than I ever was before
And you supported me in battle
So that we could end this war
And when all is done and all I see
Are bodies on the ground
You’ll take my hand and keep it there
Where most would never stick around
I’ll never be able to express to you
How much you’ve done for me
But sometimes when you see me smile
I hope you’ll think, that was thanks to me

I’m a little too shy to kiss you when I’m sober
And I didn’t know if you’d want me to,
So I just glance in your direction
From time to time,
And see if you look back.
I thought I caught you looking
But my brain tells me I’m wrong.
I have to be wrong, right?
And when I woke up next to you
I couldn’t help but smile.
I’m not smiling anymore.
Because silence hurts so much more now
And I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong.
I liked it,
I liked you,
I wanted you to like me too.

A smile tugs at my lips
Yet a tear falls from my eye
I cannot seem to find happiness
Without endlessly asking why
I had to suffer all I did
And why I suffer still
Have I lost the girl I used to be
Has all the pain broken my will
And changed me into someone else
Someone who’s not quite there
Who’s always a word away from darkness
Who can taste sadness in the air
And I stare into a mirror
And wonder what it is I’ve lost
Has the price of all this been to high
Can I still afford the cost
Is there enough strength left inside of me
To fight this hard each day
Or is this all just futility
My final useless attempt to stay
But I decided I had come to my end
And I felt it in my soul
And now that I have to live with that decision
I don’t believe I ever will be whole
So I take one step after another
And I clasp my hands into fists
I collect together all my remaining pieces
To have the courage to just exist

At night I am broken
Trapped in a nightmare
Long since gone
But at night I remember
At night I mourn
And when the morning comes
And the mourning goes
I wipe away the tears
I bury my sorrows in a dark place
Not deep enough
For they arise
And at night I break again

I cry alone
Because I cannot bear to see you cry
And I cannot bear it if you don’t.
My pain is mine alone
And I will not let you judge me,
Dismiss me
And belittle me,
Or care for me either.
I do not want your pity,
Or your disdain either.
I want peace
But I have nothing of the sort.
I have my own pain
And the loneliness it brings.
There is no other way.

I am sick with weariness,
As is all the world.
We are sick of you little girl.
To watch you cry is our blessing,
Your suffering brings us joy.
We’d love to see you bleed again.
Break your hand once more,
We want to watch you crumble.
Fade away into the darkness.
We wish you’d disappear.
Try to leave it all behind again,
But try harder this time
And maybe you’ll succeed
At last.
The silence you leave will be blissful,
There will be no hole to fill.
It will be as if you never were,
As it should be.
A world without you will be a gift,
We hope to watch you burn.
Turn to dust
And be scattered into nothingness
Where you belong.

Think yourself to death
Take every word
Twist it
Change it
Until it haunts you
Every breath
Now has a meaning
That nobody intended
Punish yourself by overthinking
Every conversation
Every look
Nothing can remain happy for long
Because I am so good at this
Taking kind words
Turning them dark
I wish I could stop
But you can’t
I won’t let you
You won’t let yourself
Can’t you just be happy for once
Can’t you just let it go
Not everyone hates you
You can’t convince yourself of that
But I can
All words can be twisted in my mind
Turned into knots
Hangman’s knots
And tied around my neck
A noose of my own making
I think myself to death

I think I'm too broken to be loved.
There's not enough of me to give to you,
it's all twisted and scarred
and you wouldn't want it.
I expect to be abandoned
and I am used to loneliness,
It's bitter taste sits on my tongue
as it has always done.
You could ask me what's wrong
but I'm not even sure anymore.
It's the echo of misery in my soul,
the imprint it left on me
or rather the scar,
so many scars
to make sure that I don't forget.
I can't forget that I'm broken
and to tell the truth
there's not enough left to love.

My eyes are dark
A hollow window inside
Where everything evil
All the monsters hide
Do not be mistaken
I’m not what you see
I’m not all those things
That you want me to be
I’m damaged and blackened
Like a cloud in a storm
Beware of my lighting
So much stronger than before
My love is all gone now
I know you don’t know
But I’m so close to death now
But you won’t let me go
I just keep on living
A day at a time
I’m living for you now
My life isn’t mine
I just want to leave this
To be free from my pain
But I wake up again now
And it starts over again

We sit around the table
With our puppet strings
Smiles pull at our lips
Like fish hooks through our skin
Bile builds in my throat
Tears swim in my eyes
But the smile won’t fade
It is not the puppeteers will
Liquid poured down my throat
And I welcome the burn
Hoping to feel something
Taste anything other than bitterness
Looking around at my loved ones
At their porcelain masks
Their puppet strings
And their moth eaten facade
My jaw aches from being tensed
From being clenched
To prevent me saying something
I know better than to deviate
From the twisted script that is set
I look across the table
At the other guests
The other prisoners
As their strings are pulled
What a dark play we perform
In our tea party called family

I love you with all my heart
not the wild, raging, complicated love
That consumes and devours
The calm and peaceful love
That warms and empowers
You have never toyed with me
Never delighted in my pain
You will never allow me to cry for long
Before you make me smile again
I cannot help the little grin
That creeps onto my face
When I hear your childish laugh echo
Into my dark little hiding place
You protect me from my darkest thoughts
Fight them off with your childish light
And although they try to get at me
You will not give up the fight
Your smile is so infectious
It forces mine to show itself
You tell a joke at my expense
And I will laugh at that as well
It is not within your nature
To behave with simple care
I know that my tears are foreign to you
And your bright eyes are looking scared
But you try your best to care for me
And I know that this is hard
But you are doing oh so well at it
And you haven’t quit so far
You might think this is a love poem
And that is almost certainly true
But not the complicated, miserable kind
It’s only smiles I get from you

You could never appease me
Never make up for what you’ve done
And I will only know peace
When I am bathed in flame
As the smoke fills my lungs
I will know that I am a survivor
And all that will remain of you
Will be ash
And I still won’t be satisfied
Because fire is too good for you

What do you do when no one saves you
When you’re bleeding out
And there’s no one around
To stop the flow of blood
How would you feel if you were screaming
If you were begging for help
But no one heard
And so you stopped
What would you feel if you were broken
But beyond repair
And there was no one to help you
And no one even tried
What would it be like to walk around
With tears streaming down your face
But they are invisible tears
And so no one asks you why
This is what it was like
To live through this
With no ones help
And come out the other side
So I’m sorry if I can’t trust you now
But I am used to loneliness
And the only thing that was constant
Was the darkness growing inside
And the more of me it took
The more I seemed to hide
From the outside world
And what you could see
Wasn’t me

If I look into the future
And all I see is pain
Tell me what is the point?
I need an answer
I need someone to tell me why
I should stay alive
When it’s like this
What’s the point of life anyway?
I can’t do this again
Perhaps I deserve this
Maybe giving me hope
Allowing me to look into the future
And not see misery
Is exactly the kind of torture I deserve
Because it hurts so much more
When it’s ripped away from me again
And I can’t focus on anything
In the sea of misery that drowns me
And I just need to breathe
But I can’t anymore
I don’t even want to try
And all I keep asking is why?
But there’s no answer is there?
So what do I do?
And what did I do
To deserve this
If I believe in something
It all hurts so much more
And I’m clinging oh so tightly
To the strings that hold me together
But they’re breaking in my hands
So maybe I’ll just let go

I was scared once
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
What I was before all this pain
Before the world threw everything at me
Every conceivable suffering
And the rubble filled the air
The shrieking filled my mind
And I couldn’t remember what was there
Before all this
And now that the dust has settled
I dragged my broken body
From the ruins of my mind
I took a cloth
Soaked in tears
And I wiped away the blood
And then I began to recognise myself
Under all this destruction
I was scared
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
Before I was suffering
But now it is clear
Now that I am free
I remember
I was happy

What do you want?
Who do you want me to be?
What can I do
When you say I can’t be me
These are tears of frustration
And I can’t help but cry
I feel so much hatred
But it’s directed inside
You tell me to change
But worry when I do
So how can I cope now
I’ll change to please you

If I could hold your hand forever
I know I would be safe
But you aren’t made to guard me
You let me make my own mistakes
But when I do
And when you find me broken on the floor
You take my hand again
And I am safe because I’m yours

How many people I’ve lost
All the friends passing through
But I can’t get too close
So what do I do?
When everyone I care about
Everyone I need
Just leaves me here broken
What a sad life indeed
I rely on these people
I trust them with my heart
I cry with them
And talk to them
And smile when we’re apart
About happy conversations
And all the jokes and laughs
But I can’t stop to hold on
Or catch them as they pass
You’ve still got me he says
But now he must go
I promise I won’t leave you
How could they know
How many people I’ve trusted
That all have gone past
One day if I’m lucky
One of them will last