She mean't that much to you

Even though you spent months

years

convincing me it was nothing.

I was stupid to think that maybe for once

just once

I would come first.

Because I'm different right?

Or were you always seeing her eyes

every time you looked into mine?

you ruined me and you didn’t even know it
because you didn’t even know my name
but it was your smile
it was the brightest smile
i have seen in awhile.
i’ve been in the dark lately
so when your face lit up the room
i became attached
like a moth
to a fire

my lungs are screaming
heart is longing
always longing
for somewhere i’ve never
even been.
longing for somewhere that
may not even exist
but i can smell it
i can feel it
i can put myself there
and for a moment i feel the calm
the space
and the peace
i’ve needed
for what feels like forever.

When you chose the other women
over your wife
son
and daughter
did you feel it at all?
We wanted to save you from your disease
and they wanted to fuel it
with every shot they poured down your throat.
Did they know how sad we all were?
Did they know we begged you to stop?
Was it worth not only killing yourself
but killing all of us with you?

Last night lightning tore through
the sky and the thunder
shook my house.
The rain flooded the streets
and tornados ripped the Midwestern plains
to shreds.
Afterward the sky painted itself dark red
with wisps of light pink.
Was God trying to apologize?
Did the acres of destroyed land
the flooded neighborhood streets
the lightning burned trees
see the painted sky and forgive?
Should we?

If we have to be destroyed to see beauty
should we forgive?

It’s almost like you are stitched into my blood stream
someone took a needle and thread you through my body
and even though we don’t speak anymore
your ghost follows me
do you ever think about it?
I should’ve asked you when I had the chance
Because when I cut you out of me
I didn’t stitch it up right.
I am left with no answers
and bleeding wounds
for the rest of my life.
Hoping the body will do what
it’s suppose to do
and mend itself.
But wounds won’t heal
if you keep ripping them open.
And I’m not sure I
cut all of you out of me
when I had the chance.

but maybe I didn’t want to.

I can always find a silver lining.
There was never a struggle that I couldn't handle.
But I cant handle this.

Growth is suppose to make you feel lost
it's suppose to make you feel scared.
But should it suffocate you?
Why do I feel like I am dying when I should be moving forward?

Dear God please tell me I am not dying.

Why is my life ending when it should be starting?
Their whispers ring in my ears through the night,
they wake me up at 7 A.M.

why the **** are you guys screaming at 7 A.M?

Please go back to bed.
We don't have to drown if we are not awake.
We can live in our dreams.
You are still smiling in my dreams.
I am still smiling in my dreams.
When I am awake I am dying.

How am I already ******* dying?