My heart feels full and empty at the same time. I just really miss you. 930 miles seems like it’s on the other side of the world. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. But, I hope I do. Hope feels like nothing more than a dream. So I’ll let you go and I’ll let you keep coming back and hope one day I can wake up next to you on a warm sunny summer day, make us coffee and thank the universe for the hope I held onto when I felt both full and empty.

I only knew you for a month. I met you and then you were gone. As quick as the change of seasons here in Illinois. But I get it. I get why you left. I would too. I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again. If I only get to know you for a month that’s ok too. If you ever decide to come home I hope you find me. I’ll continue on with my life and move along with the changing seasons and smile when a boy tells me I’m pretty. I’ll wonder what you’re up to from time to time and pray to whatever God there is that maybe I can see you again soon.

I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you

I wish I could record
Every word you spoke to me
Every glance you took at me
And rewatch it over and over
Just to feel the
butterflies in my stomach
The redness in my cheeks
The smile on my face that wouldn’t leave
I wanted to replay you
Over and over
I wanted to write a 12 page essay
On the way your hands moved when you spoke
And how you would brush your body
Up against mine
Even though you knew
You weren’t suppose to.
I want to meet you for the first time
A million times
I want to watch you
For the rest of my days
And pray to god this feeling never
Goes away.

I’ve been begging life for years
To be kinder
Softer
And when it’s not
I stop and think what did I do
Wrong?
I was the problem the whole time.
I was not kind
I was not soft
I had walls built hundreds
Of feet high.
I had thorns sticking out if every
Crevice.
How could I ask something to
Be kind
When I couldn’t practice it myself?
I asked the universe to take these
Tall walls
And thick thorns
Away.
I said
“If you won’t give me kindness, I’ll give it to you. I will be soft. I will be forgiving. I will think before I speak. I will be better.”

So life was finally calm. Soft. Kind. And so was I.

I could write a book
With 1,000 pages
And I still wouldn’t be able
To properly describe how I feel
How I felt
About you.
How many days
How many nights
How many mornings
I woke up with you
Thinking I would have
forever
But you’re going to
Spend your forever with
Someone else.
Which is fine
I knew we weren’t meant to last forever
Maybe in a different life
A different universe.
I still think about the cool
Spring breeze rolling through
Your bedroom window the first
Time I came over
And how I couldn’t believe
I was so comfortable
That I could fall asleep in your bed
And sometimes I smell your cologne on
A random person
And think to myself
“What if it had worked out”

But I know this is for the best
And I hope you’re happy.