How I wish
Oh how I wish

I could ring you up
And tell you
All my news

How I got engaged a year ago
How I'm 16 weeks pregnant

But you wouldn't be happy for me
Why though

Because you have no control
Because I cut all ties

You were all toxic
I couldn't take no more

It was me or you
And I will always choose me now

Am I healed,am I free
Could this be real
Could the chains be broken

Just by saying goodbye
No more words
To be spoken

I never meant to give you a I'll child
Yet you still walk in the opposite road
Not looking in his direction
What did he do to do
You break him heart
Everyday thinking he did wrong

I'm only 22
So why am I taking on everything
Day to day
Trying to make everyone smile
Hitting breaking point
I throw money,gifts love and hugs
Yet nothing fixed these wounds
Feel defeated once again
Where is the happy family I remember

10 years ago
I lost you
3 years waiting for you
Wishing I could help you
Watching you slowly fall apart
Blaming myself for not helping
Saying anything

Now you back
Years have past
Yet the blame is still deep
Why didn't I speak up
Even when he died, it
Didn't stop the blame
Or the pain,hate

Slowly coming to grips with everything
Yes my sister is back
But is she the same
No
So how do i look at you
And see a different person
Some days I see the old sister
My big sister
Some days I seem like the big sister
I love you sis
I'm sorry

100 thoughts

Running through my head
Killing me slowly
The past running back
Wishing there was a switch
Screaming from the inside
Hoping for a miracle
That these thoughts will vanish

I'm a fighter
I will not give in

With every breath it hurts
Knowing your not here
Holding on with a memory
That mean nothing anymore

You sed hello to a ******* the end of a mic
No clue it would be so much more
A little game of rainbow
Became so much more
A simple hello
A simple party invite
That's all it took

A friendship began
Few years down the road
Numbers exchanged
Texts fly of our phones
Wishing there wasn't so many miles
Just so I could hug you
When I got down
You didn't care about what was happening
Just that I kept smiling
Telling me it would be ok

Growing closer everyday
Talking everyday
Not knowing
 how much we meant to one another
We gradely fade apart for a few years
Only to carry on where we left

Late night calls start again
Falling asleep on cam to one another
Meeting your mates
Having a laugh
Secret messages
Making me smile and laugh
While everyone is wondering what's going on

Then you go away longest 3 weeks I've known
Just waiting for a text
But I knew you was the other side of the world
Enjoying yourself
So I wait finding ways to pass the time
Playing Xbox with your mates
Talking to them learning more about you
Each day knowing you would **** them
For telling me some of it

They then make me spill about how I feel
And that I should come clean
But how can I after years of friendship
And that I've never seen you face to face
Wouldn't that be weird just opening up
To liking someone you've never met
But then it made sense

You don't have to meet someone to like them
Just knowing there a text away
Or that you may get a silly text in the middle of the night
Or falling asleep on cam to one another
That's all it takes
So I go shy and hide
Knowing your mate is spilling what I sed
Hiding scared I'd messed it all up

Till you message me and tell me not to be shy
And thinking your mate spilled about
What I felt but really I dropped myself in it
And had to tell you I fell for you
With nearly turning my phone off and never putting it back on
You message back something I didn't expect
"I feel the same"

Hoping to one day meet you
Talking about what we would do
If we saw one another
Saying I'd hide behind someone
Because I'm shy
And You saying you would just give me a massive hug
To make me feel better about it all

But that chat faded too soon
And texts slowly faded too
Talking on Xbox still
But no late night calls or cam

My heart then sank that you went on a date
You was open but it was like my stomach dropped
So I message k
What I mistake
But what else could I say

Now I have to let you go
Not knowing how long it could take
Or if I can
Destroying me slowly
Wishing you sed dont
But you just went silent

I opened up to you
8 years just messaging you
My life spilled out like a book
You never judge
You never laugh

But suddenly you dissappear
Gone just like that
Vanish into thin air
But why
I wish I knew

I wish I had the chance to say
"I love you"
I don't know how
But I fell for you
Maybe it's just me
But how do I tell a ghost
Someone that vanished into the shadows

Without a bye
Without a answer
I maybe being selfish
But I can't help
Feeling like something is missing
A hole that yu filled

Maybe I love yu as a friend
Maybe more but you was there
When no one else was
Got me through the dark times

All I ever wanted was to repay you
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here
You may of thought yu just listened
But you did soo much more
You lit the light when I needed it the most

When the darkness was consuming me
You held out your hand
A stranger at first
To only become something soo much more
A friend

Hoping out your hand to someone in need
Can keep that person going and believe In themselves

What is love people say
Is it when you can't catch your breath
Is it when you laugh at nothing
Just cuz it's them
Is it when you can say anything to them
Even if it will upset them
You look into there eyes and know they will always
Stay by your side no matter what
you may not know it's love
Till they walk out the door
Is it when they hold your hand
And make you smile like a mad person
Is it possible to fall for someone you didn't know you liked
Is it love when we say I love you and hear it back
No matter what it is we all find it in someone and don't believe it
Sometimes it takes walking down the Isle to someone to say I do that makes it all come to reality
All these questions
But no one ever knows the answer

You sed you was there for me
But you never sed there was a fee
You took me out
Ask where I'd like to be
I just wanted to escape
So I sed anywhere but here

Didn't know that meant
you Would take advantage of me
destroy my child hood
As you layed me down
No one to scream to
No where to escape

Just to cry inside and weep
Knowing my hands where my only defence
And you took them away
With one glance of your face
I'd forever hate myself
For letting me trust
For letting me open up
for letting me believe

No one truly cares unless there's a fee
Now forever wishing I could believe
That there is good in the world
Hoping one day I can tell the truth
But that day is miles away

I look into your eyes and cry
You ask why
I say because I was broken
You took me on
You fixed me up
Now you say I'm not what you want

How can it be that you wanted me broken
To see me cry
To see me scared
But now I know
It was to show me the road
Of what life can be
Not worrying about hiding behind the glass

But why I ask
Because you are beautiful
How can I be beautiful and cry
It's not what you look like
But it's how I can make you smile
When you cry
But yet you don't want me
I'll never stop wanting you
But the world is waiting for you
to see the truth that it's OK to cry

Life is scary and I'll always be here but this is your journey to ride without me by your side

He wait by the door
Wondering if your ever
Coming back
Waiting for the knock
That he know is yours

Wanting you to come home
But that day will never come
The day you say im sorry
The day you hugged him
2 years have gone  
With no knock at the door

I guess its time to say goodbye
To the memories
That have caused so much pain
But the love felt true
Which is why i held on
Hoping you didnt forget us

Now you walk down the aisle
And say i do
To someone you just met
A lifetime has past
But still you forget
The one you made

The son that will never know
The son that will feel left
The son that will ask me why
What did i do so wrong

And all i can say is
He wasnt a man
He wasnt brave enough  
He may be your father
But he is no more than that

He still sits looking out the window
With a picture of you
Hoping you will come see him
Maybe that day will come
One day to late

I saw your eyes from the darkest place
That showed me light
To keep pulling through
To help me through the times to come

Your by my side no matter what
I cry you smile
I laugh you cry
The pain is real
But the love is strong
In your arms i lie

Waiting for the darkness
To overwelm me
But you say its ok to let go
When the worst news is over
I look into your eyes
For the final time
The dark sea sets me sail

For if i didnt have you id already be gone
From the pain and suffering
I now see the light

Your my rock for my ocean
That will forever be with me
Floating on the beach
In the dark grey sea
You'll see me swimming away
With the smile on my face

That you made real
No fake smile from the pain
Im now free with no suffering
To be free with the waves as i set sail to the unknown

Waiting for the day you come set sail

I hide in the dark
So you dont see my face
See the truth that lies in my eyes
That i know you lied

The day you lied about the girl
Is the day you lost this girl
The girl who loved you
No matter what
Through the anger and the pain
Smiled when i knew you lied again

I tried to laugh it off
The day i saw you with her
So came home and cried
And stayed in the dark
Till you came home
To ask for the truth
That never came

So i walk out the door
Hoped to be stopped
But your hand never came
Near mine again
Now you call her name
Instead of mine

Still in the dark
While i wait in line
Watching the days go by
Forever hoping for the truth
That will never come by

I hide the real me
So i am liked
I hide my past
So noone knows


I live a second life
One in the shadows
One in everyones eyes
The one every believes i am
The one everyone comes to  
The one who really needs the help
That hides in the dark

I am happy
Thats what we say
When we really want to cry
We laugh we joke
But you'll never know
Who i really am
Staying in the shadows
Is were i belong

You may of treat me like a princess
But really you kept me prisoner
Away from the loved ones you knew saw through you
The ones who would of healled the bruises you left
Instead you hide me from the real life for yourself
Until the day i saw light
Saw the truth
And showed you the door
With one last bruise you give me
I realise i am better
Releasing myself into the world
Saying hello without looking over my shoulder
Thats the life i lived
Now im free and myself