If it were up to me,
I'd let myself rot here
Drowned in my cotton sheets
And allow my skin to finally sink
In between the gaps of my rib cage.

Rot and
putrefy and
fester and
ooze,
Flesh dripping off bone,
So this stink of my own decay may be apparent to me alone no longer.

Senses overburdened by defeat.

sometimes when i sit in my room
drowning in a river of tears
that fall for so many reasons that
i cannot think of just one
i wish you would come in
i wish you would knock on my door
and ask me if i’m okay
because then i could let it all out
i could lean my head on your shoulder
and soak it completely while you
rub my back and let me cry
no judgements
no questions
you would just sit there and hold me
and tell me everything will work out
somehow
something as simple as this can
make me feel a whole lot better
because that is the kind of connection
you have with me
one that is simple
and one that is strong

I moved into our new apartment building
and for two weeks
every time I heard someone in the hallway outside our front door
I imagined it was you
coming home to me

for two weeks
I had every light in our place on
all the time
to let myself pretend
this home was occupied
and wished
I had someone
to argue over
the electric bill
with

for two weeks
I went to the beach
and sat alone
stared out into the ocean
for hours
until the sun burned my skin
and the sand found it's way
into my eyes
here
I allowed myself
to think for a moment
that you are only miles
away from me
just out of my reach
but safe
nonetheless

for two weeks
I looked out the bedroom window
and the kitchen window
and the living room window
all the windows I could find
searching for your car
your face
you

in two weeks we came so close
to seeing each other
and yet
we're still so far apart

for two weeks I checked my phone
two hundred times a day
I sent you texts
I knew you would not answer
or receive
and called to tell your voicemail
goodnight

for two weeks I fought back tears
in grocery stores
as I bought entirely too much food
for just one person
but I filled up the cart anyway
because what if you come home?
the milk went sour
and the bread ran dry
and I took out four bags of trash
by myself

in two weeks
I transformed a house into a home
without you
I hung decorations you have never seen
in a place you have never been
I bought furniture
without asking your opinion
on the tan sofa
or the gray one
I had to make these decisions
without you
I put together our dinner table
and ate at it alone
I found
this home feels one hundred times
more empty
with all these furnishings
that are meant to accommodate
several people
and yet
here I am
alone

for two weeks
for two months
I've waited
and god
please let it be over soon

The hallowness in my chest,
The constant nagging in my head.
This feeling of vulnerability,
And I'm thinking of possibility.
I'm thinking about you,
But don't wanna look weak in front of you.
Afraid! , what you'll say,
Not saying what I wanna say .
how hard is it to say, anyway?
That I want you back, all the way.
Gulishta