I lay awake
And I wish it was to question the wonders of the world
You are one of many thoughts orbiting my consciousness
Though clouded by one hundred and seventy eight bad decisions that I have made before
They wind themselves around my wrists
Tightening only when I think I have made myself free
What a fool am I
What a fool I am

My mind in its lazy moments
Always finds its way back
To the thought of you

While some would trade
Their soul through bars
For just a handful of cigarettes

And other lost stars
Fall from the sky
To give the earth just one kiss

Yet many still run a ragged race
Through streets of memories
Only to rest forever in the cold dirt

I cannot help but ponder
That maybe like how trees try to graze the sky
You would let me grow with you

And such as dew kisses the grass at dawn
You would greet me in the morning
What a sweet sentiment is this

Like a shooting star
Running through the heavens
Such as this, I run to you

These words in the marrow of my bones climb their way out my fingertips
To dance their life-song out on paper
Rather than dying like a kiss on my lips

Shhhh!

          we are already much to quiet

IT doesn't matter.
Do what I say

                              bbbut

No.
              pl­ease, please just let me say
                              one thing

No. We don't want to listen.

                        please, help me

You're words
aren't important.

                           I'm sorry ... I'll just
                                 stop now

You're never
going to be enough.

                            *I'm sorry

...i must be still now...

      ...to allow the celestials and heavens to change me

...you to are different now my friend...

   ...and the sky falls out of my eyes...
...I cannot contain...

...such/such is this/such am I/such a time as this... ... s uch..
                

                  please don't let me go...

...I will not move/help/I wait...

                                     ...please don't let me go

if i uttered my soul unto you
would you cherish it as a star come to earth
or place it in your pocket
to save me for when you  'need'  me
for when you  'want'  me
you make it seem as though i am 'special'
but i think you are just a tepid
                                                  shadow
walking in hot water carrying a cold soul
one you had sold for a price
for a
            talent
                             and a spine
for the ability to collect any that you wish
but still you do not want me as i am

i could live my whole life outside of the lines
i could run as far and as fast as i can
inside the double yellow
racing to catch up with the sun

I lay myself to rest every night
Inside my memories of you sleeping next to me
Hoping that you will fill the empty space that is left behind
All these memories gather together like storm clouds in your wake
And I am left with such
A head to full
And a heart to empty
To have any rest at all

I wish that you were here to hold me tight
Or even that I could cling to you
Something to anchor me in the ungodly hours of the night
I have naught but dreams and they are such a tragedy
When you are such a beautiful thought and not to bad in reality

These sheets twist and twine around me
Such as our bodies used to do
I would even take the quiet of your breathing
In place of these haunting dreams creeping in my ears
I writhe in my sleep, almost like I am seeking
For a someone or a something that is not there
If I had three wishes I would ask for such
My hand to be held in yours
For sleep as sweet as the dew on the grass in the morning
And that I would wake up next to you just as I fell asleep so many nights

So little it may seem, and little it may be
I just want to sleep with you next to me

if i felt a thing
would you still love me as i am

if i felt a thing
please don't run like i think you will

if i felt a thing
would i even admit how raw it was

if i felt a thing
would i even tell you how real it is

i cling to this
with as much of myself as i could dare

i am a heart that has been broken
every day of its life

and i feel to much
to say nothing at all

i am a poet
married to my words and woes and the wonders of the world

so please love me just as i am
the willow that weeps by the stream

I Love You

light up the walls of my paper thin soul
such that I would burn out
would you be more careful
if my fuse was shorter than it is now

this fuse; she has been blown
out of water and reality alike
many a time, and many a time again
when consent was but a dying lie

and this she calls her dying art
to live each day as if a few had never happened
as if such shadows did not cling to her heels
like every memory was a not a venomous snake

if you bit into her memories
they would not taste like your own
the are unfamiliar in their rendering
and foolish in their aftertaste

the lingering scent of midnight tears
and a thousand scars, each handmade
wrought into her body and the backs of her eyes alike
only some will heal, and only some fade

others, like your own eyes
you forgot they are their
until you turn to the glass
and find only your soul looking back

what could you shut out
if you had a door in your mind
some nights would you lock it
like you lock away me in your life

to stow away like voyagers on a ship
not a care to where it would go
only that it takes you far and it takes you from
all that you have known and that has forced its memory upon you

silent and serpentine these dreams pass
through my shoulders and across my cheeks
into the hollowness of my head
to writhe in agony in a dying light

and still these lights they flicker in the wind
would that you would close the window
but still my soul shivers in anticipation
of the knife to my heart, oh Ceaser's ghost hear me

would you even hear the depth of my scream
as it calls to you in the shadows of my mind
here I hold you, twixt hand and sternum
such that you would ever cling to me

I am but a fool, secure in my own folly
and that which I stand upon is treacherous
the closing of my eyes will not steady my legs
and stamina oh she has abandoned us long ago

I am weak in all but that I have done before
the anxiousness of my bones is a crutch and I crumble
like the walls of a tower without a foundation
and such is this I stand upon

soon I too shall fall into the earth
her waters shall reach me in the end of days
and pull me out, to be one with wind and waves
oh a memory sunk to the abyss

such is this
a candle heart
and a paper thin dream
just enough life
to ignite a soul

burning out
among the stars

This rubber band around my wrist
Tightens like an emotional noose around my neck
It stings of memories against my wrist
And marks like a thousand thoughts, though much more shallow in its rendering
These were bold wishes and they did not belong
Only a means to survive in a world that did not want me as I was
Still I am to stubborn to change
I could pay in soul and stamina
When all you wanted was money and memoirs
I have been folded, like steel and copper into the darkness of the night
Over and over again like a blacksmith trying to beat my temperment into place
Would that I could bury myself in the earth
That she would open her mountainous  arms and swallow me whole
She would not relinquish the taste of salty tears
Oh that the sky would take me, the stars pluck out my eyes to shine among them
Then I would serve such a purpose
All these wishes are futile
And I am feeble
Resolve has abandoend me to a hollow shell as this
Lay me in the river
She takes all in time and with a grain of salt
She will move me on unto the next
World or wonder whatever it may be

I was a different person when I thought these things
Oh that she could return to me now, and shake me from who I have become
This mind is futile in many things
I cannot remember all that has passed before my eyes
Concrete is poured in, to the cracks in my memory
There are so many holes and yet the faces remain the same
The faces in the back of the mirror, the faces on the other side of the window
And the faces that I know I would see if I opened my eyes in the night when I am paralyzed with fear
The dreams then come and go, and come again to haunt me
The fear she is here and she stays settled in my stomach
I remember much, but it is still to little
I was but a child but I did not know
I am grown now but still I do not know
Such I have become that which is inbetweeen
I am threaded between memories and reality
That I have felt but cannot remember the taste on my tip of my tongue
Do you know of me or why I made these scars
Have you seen me in the dark of night daring not to move a muscle
I could bang my head against the wall again
Counting up until the hundredth time
I clench my hands to draw blood from my palms
So that it will match the scarlet and ebony of my wrists and soul
I am made of dreams
The paint the wall of my mind
I am made of memories
They claw their way out my eyes

Oh the wolves still chase me
And the faces appear
This is life, and this is fear

do you have more Pride than Honesty

I think the most troublesome thing to me is the fact that not everyone is like me inside their mind, and that is sometimes the worst thing in the world to realize and the hardest thing I wish I could change, and at other times it the best possible thing to happen

I am yours in memory
And I am willfully bound inside
Every kiss that you bestow
Upon the top of my head,
nestled into my hair
On the sides of my face,
and my forehead
Pressed to the back of my hand,
and placed in my heart,
with all of your love

I feel a fool and I do not care
I would taste each day in a bite, as long as it tastes of you
This is a dream and you are my sleep
You give me rest and helpfulness
It swells in my chest
And bubbles out of my mouth
Like a brook swelling in Spring

**** these hands that they would ever let you go
Curse these eyes if they would ever look away
I cling to you like the edge of a cliff
I look to you like the sun on the horizon

Would the birds let me join their song in the quiet of the sun rising in the morning to scatter darkness and dew alike from the skirts of the earth

Would the stars give me but two twinkles, each for an eye so that when I look at you, you can see the lightness of my heart dripping out my eyes

Would the moon bathe me in dreams and fill your head with all the beautiful thoughts of you I hold in my heart

Would you love me for every day that I love you because then we will never run out, like water roaring over the falls to chase the rocks down the stream

I see you in the world, and I hope you can find me in your heart

What is this I have found?
A smile on my face.

Where have you come from?
And why were you gone so long?

I did not realise until your return how much I have waited for this reunion.

I do not beg for you to stay, still I wish that you will not leave for atleast a while yet.

Take your time, and make a few wrinkles on these cheeks of mine.

Stretch to my eyes if you need, and down to my toes warm me up.

Such I have become
The Darkness
That which I feared most
She is warmer than I anticipated
Or maybe such a soul as mine has cooled
Between earth
And the dying of the stars
The heat lingers in my belly
But I do not feel it in this coffin skin
Sleep will come, and not to soon
Sleep will come, but not to late

Sleep is here, I am at the gate

This is the situation
How many feet under
Whether water or earth
The undoing of birth
All these threads

Snip, go the scissors of the fates
I seem them now, the dogs at the gates

Stop worrying about who's going go visit your grave
You're not in it yet
There is time between now and then for a million things to change

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray you take these tears i weep
oh these shadows that grow and stalk
tracing lines out of souls and talk

oh rest you have long been gone
everything is right and wrong
such is this that i would lay
upon these words where i have no say

that you would want me as i am
nothing else, what a foolish man
step away, i beg of you to run
leave me before the rising of the sun

she is a fool, and you want her still
but she is not able to bend her will
tell her such and she will deny all
but say her name and will answer the call

let her be, though never alone
the one star in the sky that still shone
when all among the dark of the abyss
calls to her like a final wish

catch her hand as she is on the edge
a wanderer just to find such a ledge
the wind pushing just to pull her down
put your heart into the earth and ground

let its roots grow to a tree
so that such a fool could see
you are love, and this is life
filled with bits of grace and strife

she says but a few things, just a word
though whispered they are still heard
you want me, i need you to need me
the way a heart needs to be free

there is guilt among these bones in my chest
there is pain threaded through my veins
i wish to tear it away from myself
still it clings
wretched fool that it is

there is loathing in the depth of my core
there is regret flowing through my blood
i wish to depart from such depravity
still it clings
wretched fool that i am

You only loved me when the tide was out.

every step i take with you
though set at my normal pace
it seems the seconds are set
at thrice the speed of normal time

and i spill words out of my mouth
they trickle across our hands
out across the tar of the road
and into each others quiet souls

you are my companion
my friend and butterfly confidant
we have walked years at each others sides
though never in the other's shoes

you have read into the depths of my soul
and you did not run as soon as you saw scars
i have seen into the darkness of your eyes
and still i see the light, it is radiant

and such is this that God would give us
the one that we would need
so that we never have to walk alone
oh my beautiful friend

i think if you shouted my name
no matter how great a distance
was separating you and i, my friend
i would hear it in my heart

you call out to all i am
for you know that i am made of such
the fallen bits of stars, dreams almost empty
and the sparks of a soul still burning

and i know you were wrought
out of every speck of untarnished sunlight
and all of the sunsets born into sunrises
only to be that which the world does not know

because you transcend all that brings you pain
you are greater than the height of the waves
seeking to pull you under in the storm
still i reach my hand to you, my friend

though words could fall me
and all the love catch in my throat
it is not bound to my chest
and i pout it out for such a time is this

that you would need me
for i have always needed you
because i think to fight alone is to lose
and to lose you i could not bare

and such a time is this
that we would strengthen each other
in the light of the candles so dim
in a world ruled by others wish and whim

and though the world deceive you
cast you out upon its streets
know that i believe you
you are all good things to me

even if you cannot see them
does not mean they are there
for you look out upon the ocean
but much is below the waves

we walk together still
through valley and over mountain
i turn back to see our steps
but their are to many, i cannot count them

you brought warmth
to the trembling of my unsteady hands
and the shake in my voice

you brought joy
to the cracks in my eyes
and the laugh in my throat

you brought light
to the shadows in my heart
and the abyss of scars in my skin

you brought hope
to the smiles hidden in the lines of my cheeks
and the treading of my feet

you brought love
to the air rushing through my lungs
and the words falling out of my mouth

I want to drink you up like the sun fades into the sunset
Swallow every morsel of your bittersweet taste like; the waves touching the shore... over and over again savoring the flavor

You say it is a beautiful thing to know me
I say you are a beautiful thing to be known

You say I am a dream and a star
I say you are the whole sky and all she holds

You say I am an ocean and a boat
I say you taste of salt and memories

You say I am all you could imagine and more
I say you are everything I could need, every breathe I could breathe

You say I am truth and light
And it breaks my heart to know, that the lies and shadows in you only wanted to eat up all the good in me
That the gentleness of my heart was a meal to suffice for such a wretch

Still I offer it up.

Foolish and selfless as I am.

You say I am beautiful and whole
And I wish that I could believe such things
If such things were so

You say I am the whole world
And I cannot help but ask why you would need so much, and if I was that much... why am I not enough for you?

For when I ask for a grain of salt all you have to give me was sand, still I did not complain

Maybe that is how endings are born out of beginnings, you threaded lies in needles only meant for dreams
Sewed my mouth shut
Just so you could say I had seams

My name tasted sweetest in your mouth
Why did you turn your head and spit it out
My kisses slipped down on your cheeks
You my scornful lover turned me away
So the night fades now into the past
I will not call for you to return to me Nothing but broken love and trust hurts like this
Your guilt will follow you like a shadow
My name will be found in my own mouth
to sing into the light what you could not
How could I expect you to cherish my heart
When you yourself my friend, did not have one to share

The familiarity hurts more than the rest
I remember, but I do not know.
Who was she?
And what has made her whom she is now?
It wasn't what had changed within her, it was how it happened.
Sometimes just a taste is an overdose
Only a fool would ask a bird where it got it's wings
Some things are just so, but this pain
I cannot help but question it
I don't know what to look for, let alone where to find it
I don't have to sleep to dream
Does it have to mean that it is right?

*foolish me

If I could articulate as well as I think
If I could speak as much as I care
I think you would truly understand me
But if you just tired to love me
I wouldn't have to work so hard to heard

If you would of know how to love me right in the beginning everything would of been different now
If you had been all person instead of part monster
If you even knew how to care about anyone but yourself
If you breathed air instead of smoke and lies

And it's left me all kinds of ****** up
And now I am left to figure out how to heal and cope and breathe all by myself

If only you loved me the way I loved you

If only