When I saw her for the first time it wasn't admiration
It was awe mixed with a twinge of jealousy
Her perfection and her confidence intimidated me

When I first befriended her it wasn't just adoration
It was an obsession and a fixation
To be like her in thought and action
Till I learnt to be better than her without being enough
That was when the insecurity started
'Will I ever be enough?'

I wasn't enough at home, not fair enough or smart enough
I wasn't witty or flirtatious enough
I lacked guts and I lacked the temperament
Of a proper twelve-year-old.
I was a doormat and a pushover
Already coming undone at my seams
Trying to emulate perfection through blinded eyes
Every day I scoffed and surrendered to my picture of admiration
Trying to secure her own admission
'Will I ever be enough?'

Then she left me battling my own wars
Hers was to conquer new turfs.
I waited for a while, finally realizing
I was a ship without a captain, left to wander evermore.
I caught a new captain in a bystander who counted his lucky stars
I admired him for being there for me when I never was.
I tried to hold on to an unconsolidated bond of friendship
With a raging doubt piercing through my heart
'Will I ever be enough?'

Many came telling me my worth.
Many left ravaging my already battered heart
Many drank my colourless lifeless blood
Many left a wretched bluish mark
I shrivelled from the inside out
Bloating in the nausea of my being
Every day trying to put me together
Every day losing instead of winning.
One day finally I reached out
Knowing my salvation lies
I put everything behind me and cried out
Only to be put on the side.

That day I realized my worth
When she was hurt by my rejection
When she refused to give me a chance
When I had never received any ever.
My insecurities still lingered
But they were a part of me now
And I did not know how to do without.
I picked up the pieces that meant something to me
Even though she was no more there to see
Yet I knew that she was never enough
Never my horizon, never my turf
I had wings to reach farther
And my flight has thus
Now begun without her.

(c) Anavah 2018

Good-morrow to the day so fair,
  Good-morning, sir, to you;
Good-morrow to mine own torn hair
  Bedabbled with the dew.

Good-morning to this primrose too,
  Good-morrow to each maid
That will with flowers the tomb bestrew
  Wherein my love is laid.

Ah! woe is me, woe, woe is me!
  Alack and well-a-day!
For pity, sir, find out that bee
  Which bore my love away.

I’ll seek him in your bonnet brave,
  I’ll seek him in your eyes;
Nay, now I think they’ve made his grave
  I’ th’ bed of strawberries.

I’ll seek him there; I know ere this
  The cold, cold earth doth shake him;
But I will go, or send a kiss
  By you, sir, to awake him.

Pray hurt him not; though he be dead,
  He knows well who do love him,
And who with green turfs rear his head,
  And who do rudely move him.

He ’s soft and tender (pray take heed);
  With bands of cowslips bind him,
And bring him home—but ’tis decreed
  That I shall never find him!

Bravery comes in many forms
For some it is in battle in a foreign land
For others it is in battle with their body

One day a diagnosis out of the blue
Turns life on its head
Turfs plans out the window

What’s this?
Why me?
I don’t know what to do

Plaintive cries echo in the darkness
As you stand alone despite those around you
For you alone can fight this battle

There is advice of course
From the medics and others
There is treatment in various forms

Diagnosis turns to prognosis
At some point down the line
You always hope for the best

Against all odds you fight
Try this and that
Mainstream and sometimes out of the stream

You do whatever you need to do
It is the way
It is your fight

But life is such that death
- that word we are not meant to utter -
Is inevitable and so it arrives

Even when expected
Such as it can be
It knocks the living sideways

But we need to respect
It was your battle
You chose weapons that suited you

You fought so hard
It wasn't always easy
But fight you did

And now you have moved on from this life
But please know
My life is richer because of you

You will never be forgotten

Vestiges




A morning pills
Rookery dismissed the asphalt veins
Upload to the guts
A long pipe with loop end
Useless
Any place is ready for a shred gaze ..
Another shrapnel of a flinch
Skins die young
A mile *** and feet misconception
Reach-less away the cloaked steps
A ****** stores in a single snapshots of a wake  

||

Sat
A few verso to unlock the night
My shadow disarray me
And all roads weep in flinchlike
A **** turfs beside the sole entance's city
Lost in rhyme
A sleep or else no more an option
An occupying air extort my corpse
And plant an images and flanks in my head
Sat
A few steps to unlock the night
And the door mute
And all cities are falling now

|||

Mock the pain
Will perish if you passed away
Reach the escape pod
And no one will ever stain the quietude
Will provoke the gypsy body
Sad cars agonize my civilized body
Mock the pain
Nothing left to pay a visit toll

Oh the kiddos outta there
whoever again dare to call me names that end it with a Girl or a Mademoiselle

You at most reflect an image of me to fit to the level of your potency
same as to a ridicule of your fantasy
weeping and spitting big turfs of
-at most admirably-
musical words
as your age allows you to be

an equivalence that functions still
OH THE WOW in most efficiency
only whenever the rhythmic pumping ejects seedlings
to swim up the rat-race
from your reptilian starship  
parked at sacred ocean’s depths
crossing a few inches behind thyn abdomen
towards your jellyfish brain

and that’s shorter than TIME
oh the poor whining with BIG Holy One
hidden in the oaths of your monstrous
zombie-town

so now listen in PURE Attention to me (if you can)  

It’s True my first kiss was at age twenty three
HAHAHA and yet not even a romantic one
at most an obligatory
who knows maybe a task
from the higher self
probably to teach me
or the physical body -

YES and the last one at age forty
that tried to **** all the ****** futility outta me
the rest and the in between remains dark and edgy and thorny

who cares when it does not bother me
what business does relate to you oh my Sexuality
or the inherited ****’ beauty
but that makes not less of me when
I am now almost 43  
my coal black hair made of Sea Breeze
grows the beauty of my aging color
to the creamy WHITE topping of delicious wisdom cookies
baked by my peaceful wishing
the joy of my child innocence remains
to fire Passion and Desire
which I reserve
to one/ single poem only
who made me realize the truth of me recently  
that I  haven’t yet dated … a Monsieur
who dares to call me a Madame
with whom I can fully be Me and grow towards a maturity.

A boy this day
brought into this world of violence and decay
in the streets he frays
in the beats he stays
turfs pullin him away
threatening his well-being
so he goes to hell stealing.
He's feeling
so alone
cuz on the streets there ain't nobody
you can call your home body.
People's faces you learn to go study
but no matter how long you try
a poker face strong to lie
and soon you are so drawn to die
you realize the wrong do die
and the strong do lie
and the few do cry
the politics pull him
through the war ensuing
black versus white
wrong versus right
dark versus light
day versus night
it's a trick know
to pick against a foe
but the situation is forced
beliefs sourced.
Born unto a fate,
in the streets of hate.

She walks on the turfs in the lonely night,
with all her sorrows her soul ignites,
the cold breeze tickles her face,
She sees their silhouette on moon's full phase,
Oh how enchanting it was, when he proposed,
His grin was something she'd die for,
But thy love is not as important,
as to him is his life,
She never had listened,
When her intuition cried,
The night is different she realized,
Unlike other days, this time had flied,
Hours pass, clouds reign over,
covers the sky, the thunder hollers,
She discerns something like a dewdrop on her face,
Unsure she is, maybe its the tears rolling down due to pain,
and then there are more drops, the sky pours rain,
the cold breeze, the raindrops, a perfect twain,
the thunder and wind is like a symphony,
it feels like mother nature is singing a lullaby,
She senses something when she sips the wine,
She could be seen dancing to the rhyme,
she sways to her silence, her madness,
to her pain and to her loneliness,
Atlast herself had she descry,
The only night that didn't make her cry.

Terrifying nightmares of blood, skulls, & passing shadows
Now that I'm older I'm able to describe such phenomenal
Waking up in the middle of horrible nightmare scares
There was nothing there, as my mother flick the lights on
Deep inside I wasnt tripping, I could see blood dripping
Escalating heavy footsteps leading towards the door
No one took me seriously "He just a little boy" they said
Little did I know I was walking with the dead in red
The serpeant knew I was destined for my Lords order
A mental disorder as I got older my heart grew colder
Midnight playing marbles with a bolder, my cold shoulder

Dancing with the devil, adapting levels, ways of a rebel
Consumed by the turfs in my land, watching them expand
Seizing control, demanding full respect, live and direct
Caught up in the hustle, this a little piece of the puzzle
The majority devoured by this trap, SCLAs on the map

Middle school was about acheiving at my best
Would not settle for nothing less careless who I'd impress
Success was the only thing on my mind, walking blinded
Managed to strive a promotion & reach to the next rank
Battalion Commander, proud of my accomplishments
In failure comes great success, overcoming obstacles
Still the Devil refuse to leave me alone to reside in peace
Graduated making my mother proud, special, and content

A story of a ghetto child, difficult to smile, trials in denial
Focused always looking ahead, guns spark flying led
County fed, openly said, hungry child, running wild
Maintained my composure, knew better than to follow
Lurking in the night like an owl, everything seemed foul
No one really cared, shocked but wasnt scared, like a bear

High school was another stage in life, fraudelent strife
Gangs took possession, demonic obsessions, lesson learn
Knucklehead transferred into four different schools
Acting like a fool, I had to keep it cool, education is a tool
Many couldnt dare to take me off my seat, I defeat
It was all a game of challenge, in the end, seeking revenge
Had fun I wont deny, a journey in the devils playground
Through all the drama, and all the fighting
Graduated with overtime due, handed my Diploma
I never knew disappearing in the clouds of thunders
Lightening striking, prepared for my next adventure

The Marshland
In the middle of the fen where the soil is full of rotting foliage,
roots of tree from the time the land was a forest,
a dam where ducks swim and as is the way of ducks noisy in
their chatter with each other, social bird with no musicality
I mean have you ever heard of an opus titled:
“When the ducks sing in Covent garden.”
Yet they like it here and can spot a Cheney miles away and
thus avoid getting water-boarded. We used to go there
the farmer and we dug into wet soil square sized turfs
which dried in the sun and in the fall we had carts full and
primordial roots that burned brightly when snow fell outside

2/11/2015

"Never though, my mortal summers to
such length of years should come
As the many wintered crow that leads
the clanging rookery home.
... I remember one that perished
sweetly she did move, such a one I do remember
whom to look at was love.
Comfort? Comfort scorned of devils!
this is a truth that the poet sings,
that a sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things."
- Alfred Tennyson, "Locksley Hall"

Something about the florid, languid grass that
cooed in place on the turfs and greens,
stagnant in their newfound summer discovery.

The malleability of the universe seems incredulous to me certain days
the days before future people, sanguine
nights in the weaver fields wherein blocks away or a mile

they slept, before prior meetings.
So with this i am curious as i write
what lies in the field of frozen prospect garden?

where agrimonias will soon sprout jaundiced hairs
and I will sit around alone as i do in town
maybe, publicly intoxicated, slurring

along to a Ramones song with my friends
as empty as campus after a year
**** it. **** it?

there is something special in you girl
something striking that makes me sway
whenever you cross my path
whenever i see you walk away

under the sunlight
when you sit and smile
you don't see me but
i glance you, wait, and see a while

with clothes colored of rainbow
and your hairs pulled back
with your black turfs round you
and your beauty filling in the tack

well i just figured it in the breeze today
it seems my silence, is too loud and base
so i close my eyes and begin to pray
then tears of stupidity stream down my face

Lapping at the shore
washing sand, salt and rock
Deep hidden lore
a timed ticking clock

Shallow depths roll out
a scroll of uneventful surprises
Silent in the overlooking clouds
unraveled by the tide that rises

Hushed syllables of spoken words
the song of crashing waves
One sees all in the seabed
simply a cover of the deeper caves

Storms unease the sea
as lightning flashes in the waters
Stabbing at the blind lights
nothing floods free

Extra terrestrial marine creatures
washed under cold spirits
a world under the sand of
skeletons, ghosts and grit

Fear like nothing else
trapped within warm calm waters
Unknown to the sailors that surf
or the turfs that rip waves apart

Spreading cracks
unearth the alien fish and murky
waters
disrupting rhythm only to be
pulled back in

A state of peace hides
anger
Crystal clear water hides
darkness

The water lies untouched
overflowing into lakes and rivers
Clarity in a desperate clutch
burying the happy-ever-nevers

Vibes tell them where the flutters are tingling from
show them its not from their brains for there's now't there
they feel the flutters and it hots them up uncontrollably
but they are confused as hate wires is a by-passing conduit
the real story is primeval and the big mahogany log is the why

Unfulfilled and divots and tunnels seeking attention and work
these little golfers lack that drive and putting is just so shallow
but there's a giant with tales of axes magical that grinds the turfs
and when the swing is in motion the rhythm takes two to the clouds
fantasies ablaze and flutters twitch and burn signalling tingles in play

look to the obsession and behind it all is a cry for release down pits
desires for a long cane sturdy and sure to rout and plunge into flames
dream boat that will sail a vibrant peninsular to take them all the way
its all about those flutters that twitch at thoughts and contacts made
if hot words hit and shivers run the masks they wear covers it all

Mahogany the king of the forest for it shines with strength and holds
fitted nicely it sure does the job and those tales confirms that's true
so the birds hoover around singing songs of cutting down the giant
while in quiet spaces they open dainty boxes and dream of fulfillment
willow or pine or sycamore just can't match, yet they lie and flutter so

Invoking the mother
In which she spreads her colors
Extend her beauty from all lands
She is the one that spreads the red around

Yet I... I am in love her
One young lady dressed in white
She is part of this soul
That blossoms between the blue and harmony

Let the singing of birds enchant
Between the turfs and the skies
Which develop through parcels
In which all mankind subsides
And the scent enrich this world
Among with us

I shall subside with her love
A mother... yet to a young girl

(Chorus)---

Let the flowers blossom around
From all colors of romance enchanting
With the kiss to set both so free
As we become part of this ground
Flowers are developing in our souls
-------------------

Let the garden of the world
Shimmer with her beauty
She danced on the hearts...
Of every being
Human and more
To her sweet adore

And I shall...
Feel the passion to that girl
The one carrying the water can
As she brings the rain
Onto this blessed soil

(Guitar Solo 1)

And I dream of her
She is the one to love me
Her golden hair
Waving in the air
Dandelion flying in the skies

In celebration of the beauty
She spreads her arms
And blessing our grace

Let the scent of Spring
And the bells do ring
When the birds do sing
And the harmony of Earth shall bring

ON THIS DAY

She shall dance... immortally
And I shall become the lover
The wonderful one escalating into the beyond
And I shall seal this deal
With the passion kiss to her

(Guitar Solo 2)

The bouquet in her hands
Is given to me
She welcomes me into her heart
And to our eternal romance
SHE IS THE EVERLASTING IDOL

(Chorus) x 2

A lover...
...shatters in many pieces
When the clouds break
And the creature falls in despair

Young man
Young woman
Tread into the path of pain
They dismantle hearts
As the flesh bleeds
FROM WITHIN

Bitter taste of this sorrow
The symphony of sadness
Wails from the abyss...
...of a weary soul
Crying to the eves
The moon...
...she holds them
Until their final demise

Mother, why am I forsaken
Nature deplores
A LOST CHILD
Of them, once loved
IN PAIN

(Chorus)

We are the broken
Ready to die from this world
Once adored
Fallen in their final hours
Of death...
Are we ever to be saved from this cruel reality?
Unloved...

Torn asunder
Ice cracks with a kiss
Only to seek
Emptiness again

...suffer...

Two roses
Colored blue and pink
Spreading their blossoms in the wind
One day, the blue chooses another flower
Her petals fall
As crushed by the hand

A story told
The other way
And the other side
The colors shall blur
In the skies of cyan
Expanding the lifespan

Why do we hurt
Why do we give the pain
Between the truth and the lie
Whether the pink or blue
In the end, WE ALL DIE

(Chorus)

(Guitar Solo 1)

Cupid angel
A false
When all shall be destroyed
Inside this soul
It shall be ****** inside
In the turfs, I come blind

O the silence
The tears of mine
All flowers shall welt
They fall on frozen grounds
In sadness, all spirits shall cry

Is love meant to hurt?
In the end, the ground
Shall eternally bury us forever
HEAR US CRY
HEAR US CRY

A letter to nobody
In darkness...

(Guitar Solo 2)

(Chorus)

O sonnet for the anguish
Living and dying inside
Eternally...