No I don't want to be hidden in my room anymore
Well, I do, but I don't want to hide from my thoughts
I want to be who I am who I get to be
Slaying demons - a schizotypal queen

I don't want to feel inertia drowning my bones
That deadly peace I had going on
I want to feel it deep feel it true be who I used to
But what if you leave? Too attached to you
It seems natural, and good
but we are torn in two
But oh, I was in love with you
But oh, what to do?
Am I too?

This standby - what the **** is it about?
I will use it for good
I will wait for you
I won't lose
this time
I will win
as a schizotypal queen

I need to be
the schizotypal queen
owning my many triumphs
not giving in
I have never been as me
as I have been with you
I am who I am, didn't have to try
Now you draw a line, you say it's for good

Can we take it back
can we, can we, can we
I am the schizotypal queen
and was even more so when you were with me
I am the schizotypal queen
And I can make it happen again,
I guess.

I hold your hand
but mine has no sensation
numb and heavy
it belongs to someone else
Horror stricken
at how this feels
I cannot touch you
I cannot want you
Any more
The elements of rope
that had bound our tails
as we swam to hide
from Typhon
have been torn
Forever
like the flesh of
my soul that had waited
for you
Only for you
even while I did not speak
secrets you should have known
my whereabouts clandestine
did you forget
that what happens
on the outside
is merely fog of a
disassociated self
I only become real
in the mirror of your eyes
and smooth awakening
of your caress
You were the one
to understand my world
but today,
after being apart for so long
I am still numb
even though you hold my hand
and I pull it away
as you cry and rage

I can feel the magic
My schizotypal thoughts get the best of me
No tarot cards, no divination tools
No crystal ball, only my all
I carry the power inside my heart
I am a complicated machine: I don't wish any other thing

This happened because it carries a meaning
I guess in the end it all makes sense.
My schizotypal being sometimes makes me high
Feel patterns behind my own eyes.

I listen to the rhythm of the universe
slow and fast and weird (and self referential of course)
indescribable but so close
and so beautiful in the days of sun
and so deep when the torrential rains come
and tears of joy, and shrieks of love
and a rhythm you can't stop!
and always there
alive
telling you to stay
to carry on fighting
to hear its song
whispering your name

Touch
I'm going insane
Pulsing
Pulsing
Breath
I can feel you
My fingers pass through your hair
I can still feel you


I'm going insane.
You have ropes wound around everyone limb and you're tugging at my sanity

Please
Pull me apart
Look into my open chest cavity
Look at my heart and tell me you don't want it
Watch it beat and tell yourself it's not important
Look into my eyes and tell me he's better
Look into my eyes
Anything
Just look at me
Pulling
Please look at me
Pulling

Im going insane
I'm stuck in a chamber
My voice reverbs off the never ending walls and there is just enough air in this black abyss to keep me from slipping away from the misery that is tied so neatly around my soul.



Pull
Pull me further
Pull me under
Let the waves wash each and every sin from my body
Let the sun burn the wrong from my lungs
Why can't I sleep
Are the pills not working?
Did I not take enough?
Let me take more
Maybe one more

Maybe just one more






Maybe I can finally sleep

Te/Fi
or
Fe/Ti?
Ne/Si
or
Se/Ni?
maybe I'm just well-developed
or maybe I defy
labels
maybe I'm schizotypal
but I'm probably just
Histrionic
and Narcissistic.
the clever part is,
if I wasn't,
I wouldn't be telling y'all,
would I?

I'm a schizotypal in Babylon
Struggling to find my place in the world
The buildings are beautiful God is in every Stone
The lust of Babylon swallows me whole

And I fight, I fight
to get a hold of that
Violently open violently closed
I want to live a life but oh...

Oh this city is not brazen it is solid gold
It is so earthy and moving and funny
A rush of blood spreading through the body
There are men and women in every corner
and they speak of love with luscious tongues

And it's a battle, 'cuz I am limp
but the city lights, they're calling me
I try, I try, but I cannot stop trying

A schizotypal in Babylon
I belong here but sometimes IDK
Sometimes I can feel the huge gap and divide
But I refuse to think I cannot take this ride

I'll do it my way, I always did
but no one's kicking me outta here
A schizotypal in Babylon
in the city of God

Schizotypal
Borderline
Histronic
Narcissistic
Avoidant
Dependent

Strolling down Móstoles - I am
Going to meet my man.
The world is an omen right now
schizotypal delights
of *** - over anything else
but they are plain delights
today
The omen of joy itself
The world is perfectly untidy
The world (or me?) needs nothing but loving

Men are looking to me
and they mean nothing
but they mean everything
as I'm close to you and me
**** omens, in the street
everything is the way it should be
Perfectly in time, every beat
As I stroll around with me
in my poppy and short skirt

I am eager to meet you
and this is the prelude to us
We, that set the sky in flames
with the whispering of our names

They say the house ached
with an energy
his chord *****
haunting the A/C hum
colours crawl out
of failed cartoons
in schizotypal terror
dismembered icy blues
that take in everything
through bloodied stems
the retired boxer
******* the umbilical
with his head carved open
to dementia and night terrors

They say the desk-lamp shook
from pill-induced tremors
the anxiety of perfection
never borne out in creation
eternal battles between
pleasure and Satan
between the chorus line
and bouts of sanity
two self-portraits
twin the whitewashed wall
one frail and brilliant
with gaunt fears of hell
the other fat and docile
in the face of death.

All types of schizos are my friends
And I'm schizotypal too
We get together and share the crazy things in our heads
But care not about how much of it might be true

They may be a bit rough around the edges
But they're a good bunch
We focus on action; the things that we do
And try not to think too much

Most people find it bizarre
But most people bore me to death
We can't help it; we are what we are
All in love, obsessed, with insanity's depth

Take time to know yourself
Find out about your life

Sit in the den and stay silent
Quiet.

You do not know
Who I am.

I am a Prophet he would say
And you’re mine

I'm all yours
But not whenever you want me
I'd reply

Taking dark selfies in a temple
Creepy rituals with the cult of the Tempili Orientis
Studying Bible names
His social script became mine
When I felt like I was losing my mind
a scripture
That repeats itself in mystic fables
Façades of King Solomon
persecuted by his existence

The script:

I take orders from pastors, aliens, angels, bible thumpers, avengers, excuses from sickness, while he spoke of the devil, talking for hours about ******* to thelema, bouts of depression
He was nowhere to be found.

Behind closed screen doors and
phone calls gone raw

The Elimination of Alive
Took over
Spoke of necrophilia
Casting spells by saying
‘that's hot’
“I miss you” but only ever saw me 1x3

To risk my need and call it yours
When you’re out $125, starving for a hit, no love or affection, beaten to a pulp, and emotionally marred
‘It’s hard to heal’

When his real fam goes by
A man named Sam
He would go with him everywhere
A false son
Playing the part

A spitting image of the dark
Left in a pool
of hypocrisy

This was nowhere.

Off the grid
Forever lost inside a universe
that fails so many.
Not everything can be saved.

He was born into modern day slavery
An absent mother and father
Trying so hard to make it
Money is all he wanted to make
And lost it with his words

Addiction
Tunnel vision
The drug is the delusion
that craves and prayers
Can’t afford

And yet how peculiar that I looked at everybody like they have 3 eyes blind
Feeling like I wanted to leave my body sometimes...

The lost souls out there
That got suckled in

She must know he said.


His script continued:

I am already gone
I had love somewhere  
but impossible to keep
I'm so expired

You're a clown
I told her

But when I look in the mirror
All I see is the loneliness of a dead man buying and selling a dream that can only be found
In a man who is not me.

Begging for bread
The last drop of
pink moscato burns the roof of my mouth

Hot chocolate
Ice cold
And my emotions
Buried in mould
for over a decade
I’m Schizotypal
When I speak to her

I say I miss her but these suicidal thoughts
of death still tempt me
That's why I need Angels to protect me

Projecting who I believe I am
A rich one Flaming
A Rosicrucian Cross on my chest
Throbbing panting for salvation

“I am in the middle of nowhere losing everything that could have ever made me”.  

He was other people.
And that is it’s own Hell

11 - lonely weird starving loyal obsessive
12 - denial rejected fighting mask all over me
13 - I explode, cannot hold no more. Hell begins.
14 - emo, doubtful, open. Wounds, scars of the soul all over.
15 - a pro, a loser, a loner. About to get lost. Over me, charms and curse.
16 - a wallflower in flowery shirt. Tranxilium pills. Hospital angels, a survivor in the make. Breathing slowly the air of life.
17 - at a fight, Courtney Lovesque. Afraid, angry, in love. Wounds bleeding, destroy my world. I walk, without aim. Sinning deep. Am I aware?
18 - I break down, no one picks up my pieces from the floor, so I have to do it on my own. Fearful, psychotic, fake, unable to breathe. Enigma to myself, cannot touch my flesh.
19 - the nebula grows, my mind drowns, to reach shores. Obsessive, perturbing, odd, dependent, byproduct of what?
20 - I've been polluted for years. This is the consequence: I break, once again. Seas of loneliness and meaninglessness.
21 - the truth spills out, cannot sleep with a corpse for life. I try to reach my core, at once. The word comes: schizotypal (not surprised at all)
22 - Humbert Humbert knocks again, and like a never dead nymphet I greet him. We fall in love again, silently, coyly, mysteriously. Pink haired spinster confused happy healing slowly do not disturb.my mind strangles me, but I am strong!
23 - my head sparkles in pink and so does my heart. My pen shakes. I laugh. Frisky, dubitative, poet, free.
24 - after the travel, I almost heal...

[I am not afraid anymore.
Well, I am, a lot, but...]

Tonight I say goodbye
Tonight - I die
I celebrate being sky high
Being the schizotypal queen
Having it all in my deranged way to be

Tonight I am not going back
to hell
but tomorrow
I'll be dead
Listen to the symbols
surrounding your head
Tomorrow will be a different day
I won't go down by myself but I'll go down with my friends
Drown me, quench me in hell!
And just lemme stay.

He's talking to me
and I'm in a daze
He's talking to me
And I follow what he says!
His shirtless chance blinks in my brain
A little less schizotypal, today
A little less awkward, I'd say
I blurted words in front of him!

I feel dazzling
but ah, I don't want him
He's not my man
He cannot give me these things

He's beautiful
just like you
He will grow to be your carbon copy
and find some ****** to do
But I want originals (it's true)

For the first time I didn't freeze
I just go with it...
What's this?

How much beautiful was it with you
But you're not here, and I still have to move
Oxytocin high - can't let it pass me by
The rainbow after the rain
The rain of my desire

I spend it with myself
with my schizotypal friends
I should be laying on my bed instead...
whispering poems on your ear
It's unnatural, painful in a way
But this rush I have to take

And I substitute all my obsessions
True desire for pornographic sessions
That lack any kind of foundation
The foundation of your pleasure...

It's always you
it's never you