AWAKENING

Sleep and slumber, dreams of wonder... weaving,
morning’s vacuum broke the spell
Pitted pillow, note of parting... leaving,
“from your friend, a fond farewell”
Sunrise throbbing, twilight aching... grieving,
daydreams, flashbacks, nightmares knell
Pale phantasms, visions sneaking... thieving,
plot to fill the empty shell

12 DELIRIA

1st Delirium: COLLAPSES

Fractured sky bolts, billows bursting... rumbling,
heavens tighten, turn the vise
Horsemen saddle shafts of lightning... tumbling,
jagged highways must suffice
Ruptured skyways, hailstones crackling... crumbling,
naked pearls of paradise
Toxic tongues of laughter stinging... stumbling,
ocean buckets choked with ice
Droplets drumming, thunder muzzled... mumbling,
washed out whispers pay the price
Smothered blazes, cinders smoking... humbling,
ashes shaped in sacrifice

2nd Delirium: DESCENTS

Asphalt alleys, ashen faces... frowning,
blowing bubbles, chewing gum
Drinking ale from tavern tankards... downing,
moonlit beads of painted ***
Stony stars and sea misshapen... drowning,
humble rivers’ rhythms hum
Apparitions aspirating... clowning,
diamonds dying , minstrels strum
Incandescent candles conquered... crowning,
vacant vapours, cold and numb

3rd Delirium: FATES

Tempest turmoil, tapered turrets... holding,
dungeons, dragons, chains and racks
Wheels of fortune, Tarot temptress... molding,
Hangmen, Towers, One Eyed Jacks
Sand dune castles, cryptic candles... folding,
warping walls of liquid wax
Idols colder, combed and coddled... scolding,
hide in fissures, peek through cracks

4th Delirium: LOST SOULS

Sunken cities, pilgrims peering... gawking,
squinting eyeballs, blazing sun
Janus facing, shepherds chasing... stalking,
friends embrace before they shun
Tearooms steaming, tumult teeming... talking,
lovers listen, poets pun
Broken stones unanchored, quaking... rocking,
slipping, falling, one by one
Beaten pathways, footsteps marking... mocking,
wedged in webs which spiders spun
Circus shelters, big tops tumbling... locking,
people pacing, soon they’re none
Numbered exits, zeros numbing... knocking,
midnight daylight’s days undone
Moon blood shackles, shivers shaming... shocking,
starlight striders streaking, stun
Hushed but harried hermits waiting... walking,
restless rainbows on the run
Pixies, elves, and echoes bouncing... balking,
fading fast when dawn’s begun
Bantum butterflies are flitting... flocking
sometimes conquered, overrun
Hocus pokus, seers focus... squawking,
voodoo wavered, witchcraft won

5th Delirium: INTROSPECTION

Sundown furnace, fires fading... coughing,
dusky dew drops drain the air
Empty chalice, sipped in silence... quaffing,
thirsting shadows unaware
Looking glass and lattice scorning... scoffing,
local loser gapes and stares
Faces covered, dancing naked... doffing,
peering inside, hope despairs

6th Delirium: THE VOID

Tales of taboos, mystic mythos... missing,
windows shuttered, bolted door
Kindled candles, tongues and anvils... hissing,
heavy hammers, echoes roar
Dark deceivers, raven charmers... kissing,
draging demons from the shore
Hopeless hollows filled with doubters... dissing
standing empty - nevermore

7th Delirium: SEARCHING

Martyred monks haunt runic ruins ... waiting,
banging broken bells below
Vaulted hallways, voided voices... grating,
churning Chinese chimes aglow
Granite graveyards, spectres spooking... skating,
blackened bushes, roses grow
****** dwarfs seek mutant migrants... mating,
packing parcels, ice and snow

8th Delirium: NIGHTTIME

Throbbing drumheads, fingers blazing... steaming,
coins of copper, beggars plea
Rusty residues of resin... streaming,
opal amber filigree
Orphan shades in shallow shadows... teeming,
steeping twigs in twilight tea
Cloister doorsteps, Prophets gaming... scheming,
tracing tracks of destiny
Blacksmiths blanching, horseshoes glowing... gleaming,
partially sheathed in black debris
Phantoms feigning, nightmares scathing... screaming,
dusty dreamers drifting free

9th Delerium: EMPTYNESS

Water wheels in wastelands... turning,
drowning relics in the slum
Rumpled rags of fashioned burlap... burning,
lit by bandits blind and dumb
Pastured prisons, ponies bridled ... yearning,
forest fairies under thumb
Sounds inside of cauldrons coughing... churning,
blaring bugles, tattooed drum

10th Delirium: ALIENATION

Rain unravelling, wistfully weeping... falling,
treacle trickling, fickle sky
Mushrooms sprinkled, visions sprouting... sprawling,
seagulls drowning, dolphins die
Rabble gasping, spirits broken... crawling,
lonely lonesome swallows cry
Babbling brooks and breakers ebbing... bawling
puppies paddle, puppets sigh
People passing ripple past me... calling,
rainbow colours, collars high
Chaos seething, lepers looting... stalling,
stealing stallions on the sly
Pencils pausing, scholars scrambling... scrawling,
scratching scribbles, asking why

11th Delirium: JETSAM

Silver sails sway pallid pirates... prowling,
Jolly Rogers, wind and sound
Parrots perching, tattered feathers... fouling,
tethered talons, tied and bound
Shipwrecked foghorns, trumpets stranded... howling,
spiral springs of time unwound
Magic moonlight, shimmers shaking... scowling,
burnt out matchsticks washed aground
Prairie wolfs, coyotes calling... yowling,
witching hours, midnight hounds
Tightrope walkers, grizzlies grunting... growling,
seeking islands, lost and found

12th Delirium: RELIEF

Slumber shattered, vapours captive... haunting,
chained in mirrors, breaking free
Scarlet skylines, daylight dawning... daunting,
rivers rushing to the sea
Silence softens, sandmen whisper... wanting,
piercing rafters, turning keys
Shadows shudder, notions fluster... flaunting,
moonbeam bullets meant for me
Mind in migraine, meadows trembling... taunting,
sparrows speak in harmony

REAWAKENING

Pitter patter, teardrops paling... pearling,
salting scarves in secret drawers
Mist amongst us, smoke rings rising... curling,
climbing from the ocean floors
See-saw circles, senses swerving... swirling,
swept away with silver oars
Courtyard jesters, sceptres twisting... twirling,
push the past to foreign shores
Passing pangs of passions heaving... hurling,
burning bridges, closing doors
Roses wither, icons waning... whirling,
time decays and time restores

"Bago yan ah"* aniya ng makita ang converse kong pula.

Wala eh, wala nako maisip para makuha ang antensyon mo, mapansin mo.
Naubos nga lahat ng ipon ko para sa sapatos na to.
Balita ko kasi mahilig ka daw sa kulay pula at nangongolekta ka daw ng mga branded na sapatos.

Ako yung tipong hindi maganda namay porselanang kutis gaya ng iba.
Hindi katangkaran, pero pwede nadin para sa isang kolehiyala.
Walang bag na ang tatak ay Guess,
At magagandang damit na galing sa Mall.

Simple lang ako, laging may hawak na libro.
Nalilimutan mag suklay dahil baka maiwan ng jeep papuntang terminal ng LRT.
Hindi naliligo sa pabango na padala galing abrod.
At higit sa lahat, hindi nag susuot ng ibang sapatos bukod sa pinag lumaan kong rubber shoes.

"Converse yan diba?" Dagdag niya ng hindi ako sumagot sa pag pansin niya.

Ang totoo ay hindi ko alam ang sasabihin.
Hindi ko alam pano ibubuka ang mga bibig at sasagot ng "Oo, buti naman napansin mo".
Wala ako lakas ng loob.

Tanging pag tango nalang ng ulo ang  kilos na kayang gawin ng katawan ko.

Kumaripas ako ng pag lakad papunta sa silya sa dulo ng masikip na klasrum.

Nag simula ang klase.
Hindi ako maka pokus sa sinasabi ng Prof patungkol sa "Theory of relativity" ni Einstein.

Tumititig sa wall clock sa taas ng pisara na kinatatayuan ni Ma'am Montemayor.

Sa wakas biglang tumunog ang bell na nag sasabing tapos na ang klase.

Palabas na ako nang muli mo kong tawagin.

"Hi, pwede ba ako sumabay sayo mag lakad papunta sa Math class?alam mo naman ayaw ni Sir. Henry ng late" pabiro **** sinabi.

Wala nakong nasabi kundi ang mga katagang "Okay lang naman".

Tinatago ang ngiti na gusto ng mag kumawala, habang nag iisip at nag papasalamat sa Converse kong Pula.

She will astound.
She will amaze.
Her thought process is more often than not unique and profound.
We have been in near-constant contact for hundreds of days.

One email; complementing an author for writing a truly wonderful work of fiction.
Has become so much more. I certainly didn’t foresee. I doubt anyone could have, well not without assistance, perhaps a psychic prediction.

I find it immensely difficult to verbalize, even now.  
And I feel that I must...Just….Hmmm…How?

We have talked for hours on end, about any and all things.
Who knew?
But what I write is true.
An unbreakable bond we have. With the clicking of a Send button, that is how I say it begins.

Her voice at times, is the only thing that allows me to regain or maintain my focus.
No amount of medication, therapy or any other kumbaya related hokus pokus.

She is always reminding me that I have, and can find inner strength and powers.
Countless times, she has been the reason for me not to yield.
She has saved me in my darkest of hours.
She is my shield.

private messaging:

SPT 36 minutes ago
                 SPT  ****!! So your attacking people based on past  culture??? Please help here I'm so meow lost.. I'd love honestly to know  your view              

Matthew Conrad 19 minutes ago
                 have you heard of a cognitive attack? i've heard of  telepathy, but that's a pathology of a broken television and not the  chance to levitate a mountain... i didn't sense any attack in what i  wrote... in reality i can't attack anyone based on the past culture  because i don't have anyone from a past culture to attack... all the  people from a past culture that might remember such a culture exhibit no  care for the cultures they could remember, but against memory in order  to prepapre for death: all i can attack is a bias, whether that's a bias  of a historicity or a bias that's resurrected ideology, usually given  the neo- prefix of some sort. there is no past culture, there's a  recurrence of culture, and a passing of people: otherwise we'd have not  the established practice of monogamy among 18th or 21st century  europeans; wouldn't you agree?            

Matthew Conrad 2 minutes ago
                 oh christianity you're after? i should have known, i  dismissed the street preachers long before they gave me the apple from  the tree shaped like a crucifix before the temptation. i'll do some  catholic hokus pokus on you: i was baptised... the dog just barked up a  tree a mile away.       
     
SPT 55 minutes ago
                 Interesting I've been looking at many religions before I  got to rehab I guess you could say I was searching something that would  fill the void I went through many things changing everyday one day  giving it to god and the next day taking it back only to know that I can  only take what makes me help me and leave the rest.. I do both still I  have my prayers and still go to zen for guided meditation.. As far as  sarcasm I'd face you face to face but it seems as if not really is ever  up for it..             
 
SPT 38 minutes ago
                 On the other the judgment on here just makes me laugh..  Every one has there own style depending on where and what is going on in  their lives.. Tell that to an idiot and he'll argue the truth
Tell  it to someone with intelligence and he will read or listen only to  identify with the same feelings from phases of past time              

Matthew Conrad 1 minute ago

                 yeah... i don't have anything appealing to say to say  something that might engage as counter and appeal to be encouraging... i  discarded the virtue of intelligence in women as the necessary idiot  that could occupy someone like me... boyish culture? you'd might say it  better... but boys hardly create culture... and i'm tired of intelligent  women trying to build-up my self-esteem by making me swim against the  current of the idiocy in me that doesn't exist... sorry.     
       
and then there’s the ***** that might have been attached to me
had i bothered to oil up the leather for a strap;
bye girl... bye bye into your own self where knowledge is kingpin;
it’s just tiresome tiger mommy... i’d ******* for the red rose and wine
and the italian napkins burned by bologneise burns dipped in...
but for a child’s a* grade in maths? i don’t think so;
if truth is woman... i rather side with satan.

SPT 5 minutes ago
                 lol so your a solid hater and antagonist??? That's cool  I'm a swing it right the **** back at ya.. Nice to meet you     
         
Matthew Conrad 56 seconds ago
                 not really... life taught me things i didn't want to  life to be... if i'd hate i'd punch rather than click the keyboard  silly... i'be shave my long hair off and say i was ready for a *******  tattoo on the back of my head... i don't like antagonism or an ism for  that much to be cared for. i just haven't learned to explore an internet  conversation into anything more than a very morbid dialectic where each  person's opinions are not staged but nonetheless defended with that  swing of yours... in simpler terms if i asked you what your favourite  colour was and why... you'd tell me plum... right under my left eye  socket above my left cheek.        
    
Matthew Conrad 30 seconds ago
                 plum purple i.e.            

i bet she lives in new york and she thinks the internet is a talking place
rather than a thinking place,
and that i can fly to new york from london in about an hour;
like ****; please get these people away from me.

Hokum, poke ‘em
Fill ‘em full of lies.
Hokus pokus,
Tricking the unwise!
Hinkum dinkum,
Hear the trickster shout!
Joke seen; smokescreen,
Never will find out!

Two, four, six, eight
Stand up and holler
If you think Republican’ts
Should wear a shock collar.
Every time they bark a lie
They get it in the neck.
Maybe then the Democrats
Could fix the D.C. wreck.

Olly, olly, oxen fee
They’ll hang us from the Liberty Tree.
Huff and puff and blow them off
What a perfect thing to see.
If you want to hurt them
I’m sure it would be funny
If every time they lie
They loose most of their money.

Let’s all shout it together
Neener, neener, neener!
Check the Congressional ledger,
The Republicrooks of today?
None were ever meaner.
Isn’t it time we tell them
Nanny, nanny, boo boo?
After all, there’s no debate
They stuck us all in doodoo.

It's all said and done
You know you can't have your words back right
You can't unspeak them
You can't unthink them
You can't retrieve them from my ears
For they are words, the words you have said

Don't feel sorry for me now
No time for guilt now
What's has been done, has been done
You can't tumble and drown in guilt now
You can't go back
Wipe those tears now love, they mean less to nothing now

Life is not a Personal Computer my friend
There is no Cntr + Alt + Del,
Theres no undo, the Cntr + Z
Yes my friend, you did it
Yes buddy, you said it

Forget about the yesterday now,
You never getting it back
But you are here now
We, are here now
So what?

It did hurt like hell, Yes
Do i wish i handn't heard it nor saw it, Yes
Do i wish you'd turn back the hands of time, denitely Yes
Oh how i so wish I had Harry Porter's wand and Hocus Pokus myslef out of this
How I so wish I someone could erase my memories,
Or how I wish they can pinch me, wake me up, and say Baby, this was just a nightmare

Oh well, still doesnt change a thing,
Here we are, this very monent, this very time... So what now?

never rub another man's rhubarb.

so this article comes along
about aya-huskie,
****... what was it?
                              ayahuasca
and i'm reading it,
and i'm reading into it,
and i'm like:
     it's not unusual for 100+
ceremonies ingesting
this drug happen in new york
on a daily basis...
****'s more potent that
corresponding a war...
   the female enegry *madre:
hocus pokus
          harry houdini
       eating a pear as a magic
            trick *******...
nope...
   i'm fine my beer, my love
of home-cooked food,
my music...
       what am i implying?
   the ****'s contaminated -
just like the beatnik poets
contaminated peyote...
contaminated, how?
  they wrote about it...
who the **** is going to moan
and complain about me
writing about drinking?
                           um... no one?
the brew is so abused that
when sometimes comes
along and writes about its
effects, in a positive way:
you don't really start moaning...
all those soppy:
  papa was an alcoholic type
stories...
   mama drank a bottle
of wine before putting me to bed:
too bad *******!
    live with the fact,
that somewhere, somehow,
there's a drunk who could
juggle a monkey, a tambourine
and banana:
  and call it a musical instrument!
you ingest something
for a sense of humour -
or you ingest something for
a sense of wonder...
aya-hoo-haha-caska
   is of the latter category...
alcohol?
            ugh: the former!

and to be honest?
    the only and at the same
time the most spiritual experience
i ever had or will have:
will remain:
          hearing myself laughing.
that's it!

the sort of laugh imitating a fox,
the sort of laugh imitating muttley,
and the laugh that feels
like easing a **** of crunching
the stomach...
      the visionaries can keep their
discontent with dreams,
and experience them wide-awake...

but reading this article is numbing...
always the ******* westerners,
the white "bad boys",
what they'll do with ayahuasca
is what they did with cows, pigs,
dogs and cats...
   they'll domesticate the drug...
oh look... already domesticated
being categorised as a drug, rather
than the original of: medicine...

and that's what western society does...
find me a shaman using
alcohol and i'll find you a pair
of scissors in an ayahuasca experience...
but i just hate the idea
of domesticating something so
spiritually governed...

people really think that taking this
drug, in the centre of new york
will somehow create an actual
organic potency of the drug?
          in new york the experience
will be inorganic -
        and most probably horrific -

well **** me: jump off a roof and
hallucinate a pair torn off icarus!
    up here, in the hinterlands,
in catholic schools,
   they still told us what the ukrainians
used to do: sniff glue
   (can i recommend a film?
    lilya 4-ever) -
       or don't get me strated with poles
drinking purple denaturat,
     (denatonium, methanol -
                         in short? toxins!) -

personall i don't like the idea where
this ahaya ahooya, whatever thing is going...
to me it has a scent of a process
of domestication...
        but i suppose if you're going
to deforest the amazon,
    you also have to attack the spirit -

now that i've read about the experience,
i'm rather keen on trying to
unravel the problem of antidepressants:
also in the same newspaper...
   namely escitalopram (lexarpo)
  & sertraline & clonazepam
  & paroxetine (seroxat) - all of them being
anti-depressants; so no:

i wouldn't disturb the amazonian shamans
for some "bogus" life-changing
experiences, i'd look at the situation where
drugs have moved beyond the stage
of being domesticated from their natural
environment... and... therefore?
                                    industrialised!

talk to random schizophrenic in the middle
of a night over a kalimotxo (basque drink,
red wine and coca-cola - kali kali kali
m'oh ch'oh) -
and he'll tell you: yeah, knew a guy,
was on antipsychotic medication:
                                 grew a pair of ****!

oh yeah, tobacco & alcohol are baaah!
baaah! bad! (please invoke a sheepish
stutter within the confines of the italics).

It's all said and done
You know you can't have your words back right?
You can't unspeak them
You can't unthink them
You can't retrieve them from my ears
For they are words,
The words you have said

Don't feel sorry for me now
No time for guilt now
What's has been done, has been done
You can't tumble and drown in regrets now
You can't go back
Wipe those tears now love,
They mean less to nothing now

Life is not a Personal Computer my friend
There is no Cntr + Alt + Del,
There's no undo, the Cntr + Z
No do overs
Yes my friend, you did it
Yes buddy, you said it

Forget about the yesterday now,
You never getting it back
But you are here now
We, are here now
So what?

It did hurt like hell, Yes
Do I wish I handn't heard it nor saw it, Yes
Do I wish you'd turn back the hands of time, denitely Yes
Oh how I so wish I had Harry Porter's wand and Hocus Pokus myslef out of this
How I so wish I someone could erase my memories,
Or how I wish they can pinch me, wake me up, and say "Lefa, wake now, it was just a nightmare"

Oh well, still doesn't change a thing,
Here we are, this very monent, this very time... So what now?

Abracadabra,
hokus pokus,
I'll swing my pendulum
and you will focus.
I'm not a magician,
don't misinterpret,
just listen and dont think,
this will be worth it.
Now think of a number from 1 to 10,
now pick a card from my hand