blood rushing into my head
painless, but yet burning; white
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
i will be remembered as a hero
not a coward;
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
i will be worthwhile to remember
not worthless
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
i will be known for my kindness
which never existed
to cover up what really happened
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
somebody will cry that they love me
instead of me being hated
perhaps now i have died a saintly death
everything will be better
at least death has its own dwellings

My birthday is today
Seventeen years since another Sunday at 9 AM
On top of a mountain called Ozark
In a land that reminded me of Harry Potter
Called Pettigrew like Peter
It's forests elicited sprites and daddy long legs
Made of me a changeling then spit me back out

I learned what real ice tea was at the age of three
It was my birthday
Doing Pirouettes on my aunts Patio
Again, under Arkansas stars
With faery lights leading my way
I ascended to the brush behind the house
Got lost in the greens and browns of paradise's supply
Returned with flesh painted the colour of love

In an apartment overlooking crab apple trees
Fresh Canadian foliage fostering a well concealed creek
On a 90 degree angle over a dark chocolate cake
My ninth birthday
I drank pickle juice because Vinny said it was limonade
I wore dresses that year
And coveted baskets filled to brim with blossoms
Baked the crab apples into a pie
But preferred mama's banana cream
I wore bandages on my arms
and grass stains on my knees
My tears washed away like Crayola markers
And my biggest inner questions had to do
With what was for breakfast
And the lifespan of a temporary tattoos

14 came with a ******* bow
Done up gaudily in greys with a sad little smile
Three years marked with pink splotches and lines
A subject to hormones and arsenic tones
My birthday
A celebration of decay
And mama still sang, and baked, and kissed my face
And didn't wake when I placed cotton ***** in her ears
Because I was a happy girl

Today is my birthday
And mama exclaims
"No more babies! All four of you are so grown!"
But the mirror still illustrates an odd little show
With a baby face
A girls chest
And a womans hips
An ordinary freak all stitched up
Awkward and too much of everything
But not enough all the same
And inside I know
Is a sea of paradoxical Samanthas
Some stubborn and loud
Some shy and reserved
All with changes to make
Books to read
And places to go
And  only few that are quite wanting yet
To be 17

I just sit and watch the rain
Green and blue and brown
My family is in Mayland
Not a man of much renown

Young women, very beautiful
Old men, not so much
Plato spoke of gaze
He did not speak of touch

Little money, little hope
I often ride the bus
Lots of time in solitude
Solitude for us

I think of Gary Pettigrew
Students in Taiwan
I sensed the fight was coming
Now the fight is on

                 Yangmingshan!

I am a loving product of light
I am the star shining bright
I am remarkable I am unique
I am the intention of all you can be
I am the rain that allows life to grow
I am the ocean that runs deep and keeps the earth spinning in the moonlit glow
I am the stars that illuminate the night
I am the intuition that gives second sight
I am the sun that will light up the day
I am the star constellation that will allow you to navigate your way
When the sun goes down and the light of day fades
I was created in the image of divine source light
I entered through the silver gate to live as man
Knowing at that time what was my plan
The path I had chosen was to be broken to awaken
Heading for the home I know I belong
Knowing I have to be brave and bold
Seeking out that gate of gold
It is written in the stars and this soul originated in Erra
Here to try and help bring the world together
Wether rain or hail,day or night
I forever am
Universal Loving Light

John R Pettigrew
31/10/2016
Owner of
JrpTarot
Fauldhouse Indoor Market
1 Blackfaulds Drive
Fauldhouse
West Lothian
Scotland
United Kingdom
EH47 9AT
Facebook.com/JrpTarot

Closure
                       John R Pettigrew
                    Owner of JRPTAROT
            FACEBOOK.COM/JRPTAROT
                           JRPTAROT
        FAULDHOUSE INDOOR MARKET
                 1 BLACKFAULDS DRIVE
                       FAULDHOUSE
                      WEST LOTHIAN
                            EH479AS

So many people with so many questions
Not realising that each and every experience is just another lesson
You actually think that any answer gave
Will make it any easier in dealing with the pain
This seeking closure will stop you from moving on
Brushing the things coming up as just a feeling
But the simple fact is that it always leaves you reeling
Letting fear and resentment live rent free in your mind
Giving some narcissist continue to emotionally rob you blind
To deal with your past is to begin to let go
Looking within and letting the light within you flow
Stop looking outwith for the answers is key in this lesson
As every experience handled correctly could be todays blessing
When you let the anger in your tolerance will begin to wear thin
No more second guessing,the answers you seek lay within so clear your mind and let the abundant light of love within
When you look within you will gain deeper insight
To shed pride and ego
And bask in the glory of your wondrous light

Max from Heidelberg and I
Are on the basketball court
Talkin' bout Kierkegaard
Talkin' bout Highway 61

I like UNC
Amber in the post office
The Gift right outside
Pettigrew Hall

Never gave a lecture
Never wrote a book
No Witherell Conjecture
Did not **** Vietnamese *****

Monterrey, California
My boys very young
Hats, tidal pools
Gratitude

                     Among

He said the Nameless is the mystery
I agree.
So do the Taoists
Glad to see New York

Man of La Mancha
Mario Cuomo
George Hunt SJ
Thai fried rice - no pork

EmmyLou Harris
Saw her at Wolf Trap
Mr. Keating
Mork

Chapel of the Cross
UNC
Jay and me
Charmed quark

               Pettigrew Hall

Gary and Megan, I remember you
Now at Pettigrew Hall

Thank you for your help
God bless basketball!

The quiet doesn't accomplish much
Mostly watches and waits
Takes the long term view
The deer do come at night

Yangminshan for tea
101 for books
When the time does come
Ready for the fight

Gandalf in New Zealand
Meegan Pettigrew
Pontifical Academy
Lonergan's Insight

I remember Fo Guang Shan
She talked to my son
Quiet little nun
Vegetarian delight

              Eckhart
      Not Sein und Zeit

Pettigrew Hall
Center for Jewish Studies
White flowers, Pink roses


Grateful memories
Of Gary and Meegan

      Xie Xie, Taipei!

            (I pray)

So I would walk by the Chapel of the Cross
Pray for her family
Meditate on loss

Saw a sleeping deer one night
Antlers
Holy holy holy

I'm definitely UNC now
Pettigrew Hall
Basketball

If I have hope
Long term view
Horton Hears a Who

                  Tar. Heels!

Pettigrew Hall, UNC
Gary and Meegan, both Kiwi
             TAS gratefully

So I'll probably never see her again
But at least she knows how I feel
He says there are no moral facts
And he does not think God is real

My children are not baptized
I pray no future bipolar
Happiness and work
Babies in a stroller

All these little poems
Kingston Trio at the bar
If I Were the Priest
My Heels are made of Tar

          Pettigrew Hall