By Nabs

13.
The water burned my skin,
I scrubbed until it was raw and red.
An empty 200 ml bottle of soap laid on the bottom of the bath tub,
I used them all, crying because no matter what I did the kiss still lingers like a stubborn stain on my body.

My mother always told me not to smile at strangers.

I've never felt so ***** in my life.

8.
The first time I heard the word ****,
Was when the news flashed a picture of a 10 years old dead girl. They found her lying naked in a town park. Said that she had been ***** several times.

My mother cradled my head, kissing me with fears in her eyes.

I asked her what that word means, she just shook her head and hugged me closer.
Told me to always be careful.
That little girls need to always be alert because there are wolves wearing man skin.


I didn't understand what the word means nor the fear that echoes in my mother eyes.

But the picture of the dead girl stayed in my head along with a new vocabulary.

13.
I was disappointed.
The hotel was not what I expected. The bed was not comfortable, the room too hot, though the window have an amazing view.

The elevator was very annoying.
It was always too long.
I pushed the button again and again.

There's the cleaning service guy in the hall.
He's looking at me.

I smiled at him, the elevator door opened.

6.
Our home room teacher told us today,
That a smile can brighten someone else's day.

I couldn't stop smiling when I get home, not even to strangers.

I didn't notice the way, my driver was blocking me out from view.

9.
There's a new house being built in the complex.
I walked past the construction site with my older cousin to get to my house.
We were laughing freely and happily.
Childhood was clinging to us like a warm and comfortable blanket.

The construction workers whistled at us and called us pretty. They invited us to play with them.

I smiled at them nervously.
I didn't know why my hand started to feel clammy and cold. My older cousin gripped my hand tight and dragged me to walk faster.

Wan't pretty supposed to be a compliment?

15.
click. open page

(n) Cat Call:
"A loud whistle or a comment of a ****** nature made by a man to a passing woman."

- Oxford Dictionary

See link below for the definition of ****** harassment.

click.

13.
There was a knock, an open door.
A smile and betrayal.

The day I learned that 'I love you',
can sound ominious, make pity rise like a well.
How it can be filled with poison and lies,
corroding naivity like acid on skin.

A feral kiss, pungent breath.
There was hands roaming
where it wasn't welcome.
My body freeze as tar
like dread course through my veins.

That day, the word 'no' becomes my prayer.

14.
I stayed in my room.
I tried not to let my eyes wonder to where I hide the blade. I had become too acquaintanced with it, this past years. Too addicted.

The clocked showed 9.00 PM. I stared at the ceiling unable to sleep. Wishing I could forget.
It's been one year.
I had taken a bath to cleanse my self.

The door creaked open.

( see you tomorrow.)

There's someone sobbing.
I locked my self in the bathroom until I fell asleep on the cold white tiles.

I woke up with a sore body and a red flower was blooming on the floor.

I sprayed it with water hoping I could also disappear like them.

(I don't remember how to smile)

13.
I told my mother what happen.
There was denial in her eyes, and blame were pouring out of her mouth like it was the only thing keeping her afloat in the world.

It crashed against me like a tsunami, and I drowned.

I drowned, and I never realized how alone I was.

The words 'It's your fault' etched under my skin and shame rattled in my heart like shackles.

I stared blankly at the ceiling, resentment growing in my eyes, and I wonder if forgiveness is possible.

12.
My mother and father always said that the day I was born, it was like a dream come true.
Said they were so happy to have a daughter, that they celebrate like never before.

They named me such wonderful prayers.
Said I will grow up to be a strong woman.

I believed every word they said.

My parents aren't a liar.

17.
It's been 4 years.
There is still monsters under my bed. The tears never truly stop pouring, new scars keep littering my body, and my heart will never stop bleeding.
I understand the fear in my mother eyes.

But the red flowers have stopped blooming and I relearn how to smile. It's still frayed on its edges but breathing becomes more easier.

It's been 4 years,
and I have learned forgiveness.

my body tingles
i can feel my organs rock
my breath quivers
consumed

my head rolls
i roam my hands around
my instinct gone
possessed

repeat repeat repeat
dark
down backwards down the hole
ominious
watch as the light grows faint
aggressive
the energy pulses around
heavy
slipping deep

the crash is what hits hardest
after you've tried with all your strength to get better
you can feel the edorphins start to release inside your brain
and you believe that this, this is what serenity feels like

you cry euphoric tears
no longer does the body you live in feel like deadweight that is a pain to carry upon two worn out feet
it feels like air, as if you are floating and as if nothing ceases to be
this, this is what life should feel

and then the crash hits
it comes out of nowhere as most "accidents" do
suddenly those bright skies are filled with ominious clouds
and your bright eyes are covered with a film of monochrome
you're stunned, paralysed with fear of whta this could all mean
a state of being so long unexperienced you almost forgot that it was ever in existence
but the crash happens
and you are left stranded in the middle of the highway
body returning to lifelessness

I took a walk with God tonite.
She was as bright and lovely as the streetlights, as misty and ominious as the nightly grass, and as beautiful as the stars.
Sometimes she liked to be like the constellations, sometimes she liked to be like him, but this night- they all had embraced. I never would have to let that go.

I took a drive with God. We sang to the top of our lungs; all of our little love songs. It sounded like death- slashing strings, clashing cymbals, and vicious vocals- but we knew it to be peace. We talked of our horrible driving as we let our hand steer the wheel. The silence between songs was welcomed, *****, and nothing more than yearned for. We filled it with lovely daydream.

I took a chance with God. I looked up and heard the wisdom in their name every day. I cashed in my faith, I let go the err to the air, and I offered and reached for hands in hopes they'd take it too. I followed his lead and weathered his storm and I found calm between. A sailor whistling with each and every wave.

Part of God died what feel like some decade ago.
She my loss, my gain, my grief, my strife, my pain.
My lack of spirit,
my loving endearance.
She- my determination, my heart, my unwavering image.
My mother.
My child.
He- my north star, my guardian angel, my astral shepherd.
My father.
My wild.
It- my compass and my map and my path stained with tears.
My mind.
My truth.
My guide to divine.
Stood alone, I hear it, I taste it, I smell it, I see it, I feel it.
They- my love, my family, my word, my God, my soul-
but entirely,
my self.