A forgotten tale, ensconced in stone,
A murmered doubt, said all alone,
I preen my ears, for these little secrets,
Smothered in their prime, yet blazing with heat,
I long to know them, those long lost legends,
The forbidden stories, with unfinished ends,
For I seek the weapon, to make all enemies cower,
Hidden atop that chest, perched in the highest tower,
And so I search, through the witches hour,
I search and find secrets, the only true power.

You Held Me Tight In Your Arms,
The Night Air Nipping At Our Skin,
Our Breath Clouds Of Warmth,
Mixing Underneath The Stars
"I Love You," You Said, Your Hands Meandering,
Up And Down My Spine,
Trying To Keep Me Warm,
In The Frosty Octobor Night
Corn Stalks Gently Grazed Our Jeans,
You Held Me Close,
Perplexing The Lurking Demons,
Warming My Blood,
With Your Lips*
"I Love You Too," I Said Holding Your Shoulders
You Wrapped Me In Your Arms,
Folding Our Souls Together,
Like An Ormagami Crane,
And You Kissed My Cheek,
Our Frozen Fingers Entwined
"Don't Ever Leave Me," You Said Lovingly,
As You Burried Your Face Into My Neck,
And Kissed It Lightly
I Lay My Head On Your Shoulder,
And The Goosebumps On My Skin Faded,
As My Body Enjoyed The Cold
"I Won't" I Murmered,
You Stared Into My Eyes,
And Pulled Me Closer,
Our Lips A Millimeter Away,
You Know What I Like
I Felt Your Breath As You Asked,"What Would You Say If I Asked You To Marry Me?"
Even Though It Was Only 2 Seconds,
The Space Imbetween That Question,
Felt Like Two Hours,
Honestly I Never Wanted That Moment To End
"I Would Say Yes, Why?"
I Could Feel Your Pulse Rise,
And Your Skin Start To Warm
"Because Someday I'm Going To Ask You, And Give You A Diamond Ring, Almost As Beautiful As You"
I Smiled
A Reflection To Yours
As We Sat Under
The Yellowish Cresent Moon
"Then It's A Yes"
I Laughed
My Annoying Kackly Laugh
The One You Love
"Can I Kiss You?"
My Eyebrows Lowered
In Sarcastic Annoyence
But I Giggled
"Fine"
As You Kissed Me
I Smiled
"Please Take My Sweatshirt," You Begged Me
I Noticed My Shivering Body
The Hairs On My Arms Rose
And My Fingers Felt
As If They Belonged To A Dead Person
"Okay" I Reluctantly Said
*You Put Your Sweatshirt Over My Shoulders
And As You Cuddled Me Closer
And Kissed My Lips One Last Time
I Opened My Eyes
The Light From The Moon
Streaked Across My Face
Suddenly I Heard You Whisper
Goodnight
As We Stood On My Doorstep
Goodnight I Replied

I never really believed in the concept called soulmates.
Sure, I could say that I believed in true love.
But to say both are the same,
would be a lie to my ears.

But you-
were different, somehow, entirely.
The moment I met you, there was a frantic beating to my heart,
the muscle that had stayed dormant, hibernating for years.
Sometime around then, the exact time I still don't know,
I accepted that ideal of near foolishness,
awkwardly holding it like a hot ember,
crackling with the fading glow of silver fireflies.

And it seemed like you knew too,
spluttering and grinning while food was stuck to your face,
three years ago.

...And I wonder, if we were both born sixty years from now,
across the far continent, would we know?

"Do you believe in the afterlife?" I asked you, one day-
You thought deeply for a moment; clutching twisted pieces of grass to your hands.
No, you replied finally. It seems to be something created in this life for wishful thinking.
You, were always optimistic.
Smiling.
Laughing.
Even in a less than fifty percent rating, you just waved it off with a grin.
So that answer, surprised me,
to the bowels of my heart.

If the heart was a maze, there would be tunnels in mine,
which were too dark even to see with a melted torch.
But yours-
was the exact white, to my black.
It was so light-
that a person would not see,
but shield their eyes instead,
from that burning ray.

Happiness is so frightening,
because there's always a withering darkness,
wavering nearby to take over.

"You have leukemia."
the doctor told you professionally,
quietly.
the moment those words were said,
you looked gently surprised,
but almost completely detached, as if you knew it all
along.
"Okay." You said those words with a smile
that only I knew was shaky.
"I'm scared."
"Don't leave me."
"Will I die?"
You, who'd been strong for me through everything,
broke down crying for the second time.
In that pressurized space,
it was as if
my conjecture of despair had been confirmed.
Hardship..
sorrow..
during such times, what was I to do?

And sometimes, I would wake up crying. I didn't know anymore weather I was sad or not-
it was too dim to remember.
Because I wished that dreams were reality, and this reality was a dream,
maybe that was the reason.
But it wasn't because I was sad, I think.
When you return from a happy dream to a desperate reality,
there's a chasm that you have to step across,
one that you can't cross without shedding tears.

All your fears became reality.
Your hair started falling out,
You couldn't hold back vomiting, even in front of me.
I cursed how powerless I was.

Finally, you broke down.
"I want to die." that voice that I loved was a mere whisper, quiet against the rustle of hospital bed sheets.
"You don't really want that." Foolishly, I took it as a joke.
You screamed.
"I know the truth! I'm not going to get better! I'm tired of you being so optimistic! I'm just tired of it all!
I never want to see you again!"
Those words stung me, straight into a dark circus of my mind.
And the world, which I thought was perfect as long as you were there, broke down.
"I love you!" That was the first time.
"I love you." The second.
I loved you.
I loved you.
I loved you.
And that emotion hurt, so much.

And I thought, what we needed the most, was to believe that there was hope,
somewhere in the world.
"Let's go to Australia."
And you, who held back for everything,
broke down crying, for the third and final time.
"Yes."  

And little by little, I planned our wonderful trip to Australia.
And after everything was set..
I didn't want to cry.
I refused to look at the darkness.
And pretending that it was not there,
was enough to keep me propelling forward.

And on the train, we shared a cake,
because it was your birthday.
And we laughed for the first time in a while,
hoping that that moment could go on for eternity.
"It's like a dream..to be here with you." You murmered against my shoulder.
"It's not a dream. We'll be together forever."
Forever, however, is endless,
spiraling along with the stars of the galaxy,
and I listened to your voice as we dozed off.

"Did you know that I read a book about aborigines? It said something about how the world is perfect and doesn't lack anything.
After I read it, I thought if there was such a thing like heaven, it might already be in this world.
It's kind of hard to explain..
We don't know what heaven is because we don't have enough understanding.
I mean, people lose each other, even when alive.
It's definitely not easy to find someone after death.
but, you can always search for me.
No matter how many times you lose me.
That's why I'm doing okay."

I wonder why I hoped that that train would go on forever,
without ever reaching a destination.
"Please keep looking for me. I'll always be here."
And a cool pair of lips brushed against my forehead,
sealing that pact.

Suddenly, blood started dripping from your nose,
landing on the cold train station floor,
spots of red and ruby.
You started coughing, hacking.
I ran, as far as my legs would take me.
When I got back-
you were collapsed.
Cold.
Still.
On the floor.
Shouting shapeless words, I ran to your side.
And in that moment, I remember thinking-
Why? Why us?!

And I kept telling myself, over and over again,
not to cry. I felt like if I cried, even the tiniest hope, would crumble to pieces.
And even though I knew from the beginning that there was no hope,
I could not come to grips with it.
i was in the darkness all along.
I was filled with resentment, and remorse.
I cried the whole time

You can come in now.
The voice of the nurse was monotone. How many times has she had to do this before?
When I saw you, I thought-
that person in white,
surrounded by plastic,
that person who's dying,
is that really you?
was that real?

But I understood,
that it was real.
There seemed to be a faint film over everything,
surrounded by sandwich wrap.
It was ridiclous.
At that moment, I felt hatred towards everything.
I even felt resentment towards you,
who would leave me.
"Please..please don't hate me."
You shook your head, looking too dry for tears.
"I love you." That was the third and final time.  
"Forever and always."

"Ah..where are you? I can't see.." You groped blindly with your hand, eyes half-closed.
I clutched it tightly to my side.
"I'm here, I'm here!"
---
---
"Good." Your eyes closed at that, sliding shut with a gentle click.
I screamed at the top of my lungs, but could not make a sound.
Why?
At that time, I wondered.
Who was hurting more?
---
---
The ashes scattered in the wind, flying away along the current lines.
And in that moment I realized..
I was born one week after you.
I had never lived in a world where you weren't there.

It's ten years later.
Can you still see me?
Those precious people that we talk about,
we have to take care not to lose them in this vast world of ours.
And another precious person,
who I love almost as dearly as you,
has not taken the place that you so carefully inhabited,
but has stretched out my heart,
making room
for more.

*Thank you for everything.

Busy street hath t'en tranquility kiss'th,
Along my footsteps mild wind blow'th,
Bottle o' absinthe hath the stranger consumed,
Never to notice, an' leave my body doomed...
Hold'th he, my hand, to check the chime,
Throw'th he, t'at bottle o' wine,
Pierced his nails in me as I try to escape,
By t'en he tore open my velvet cape,
Feeble ***** o' mine with palms hath I covered,
As his garments in my sight, he lowered...
I screamed as the animal in him broke its shackles,
As he tore down the walls o' my genitals,
With continuous strokes, numb hath I lie,
Wishing o' the same street, instantly I die,
Pointing at the church, I murmered, 'why?',
Even after he left me torn,
The gods silently looked at me, never to reply.

It seems only a matter of time
days slip into eternity
with no regard
capricious wisps of smoke
frequent this existence
for small seconds
ticks of the clock
as two hands pound
back towards
kingdom come
once again

it's a terrible madness

and I know that we
will go mad once again
with a renewed vigor
spells and sermons
will spill out from our lips
like tongues of flame
like sips of ambrosia
for the afflicted
babbled prophecies
muttered and murmered
in dead ends and
alley ways
discharged to the concrete
and ears that have gone
deaf long ago
I know that
we will go mad
I embrace it
the eyes will roll back
in ecstatic relief
as it
courses through us
down veins like electric
currents toward
some never-ending
hysteria
a beautiful dissonance
we wait for it
lust for it
pray for it

come, madness,
tear us apart
break us down
destroy all that is
so we might find
all that will become

Stand up. Give me your full ******* attention.

Don't pretend you can effortlessly, carelessly produce a "real work", seated, with one eye on self-awareness, a tongue wedged in a cheek with one foot in the grave of perceive- opinion, not yet received, with a cool smirk on a proud chin sat atop a cool fist on a hard wrist on an indifferent arm held up by numb tendons leading down to a self-deprecatory elbow, the joints forming a fierce coalition of empty strength, that separates you from the hellish fire of embarrassment, the horrifying depths on mediocrity, that tempers the hot heart with a cool head.

Cast asunder the filthy cancer stick who pours its stinking grey ash upon the clacking, laughing keys. Throw that glass of water (for tomorrow) on the floor, step on its shards and dance, embracing them in soft padded flesh. Castrate the ***** of the feet and bleed out the last vestiges of your projected third person that stalks you like a shadow.

Ignore the clock that tocks and ticks towards tomorrow, towards a real life of bills and rent, distill your repent and drink deep brother. Sense the too-familiar scent of childhood fear borne out of decades of internalised guilt and tell me that it isn't sweet tonight, if this isn’t worth staying up for then I dare you to present me with a life worth going to bed for.

So strip yourself in front of this mirror, off each layer of potential, pretension, self-satisfied introspection, flawed, self-assured contentment that whispers that if only you applied yourself once in a while the confused mess of thoughts, regrets murmered under-breath, and little deaths that never escape the abstract place might one day add up to something of concrete beauty. Shatter the sardonic prism through which you view each new offering from those whose cardinal-sin was actually trying -that affords your cackling Medusa that the caustic chorus of “I could do better if I wanted to”.

Well don't you?

Tear down the veil between you and what you can't put off any longer; inspect the flabby mess of sores, leaving the limp **** to shrivel against the chill. Let the goose-bumps cluster like tumours. Like it or not this is you. Better live in bitter disappointment than forever bear the dead weight of mendacious expectation.

Cast poisonous complacency aside and hurl yourself against smirking canvas. You cannot win. You will die in a fluid florid flourish of movement; you will look this creeping inertia in the eye and just hope.

Give me black despair any day over this living death.

Give me the truth, without distractions.

straight line
turns to squiggle
as tired mind
turns to slush

weary soul
begins to wobble
as happiness
fades to grey

and in the twilight gloaming
paces the dog, black
with eyes a' gleaming
mouth a' drooling
and  dinner on his mind..

torchlight
follows the squiggle,
brings warmth and sunshine
slush becomes liquid
fluidity comes to mind
and the wobble is centrifugal
seperates the grist and the grind
gives surety to the tired and weary mind

torchlight comes from kisses
murmered words always kind
not breadcrumbs but shining pebbles
to my hansel and gretal state of mind

forrest large, big wolf lurking
pebbles help me find
home and hearth and kin
that gives grace to the
rebelnheart and mind
that oft makes me blind
and lost and a'wandering
in the squiggle......

"What are you most scared of?"
She asked, eyes wandering to mine
I turned away, as if fearful of the question

Hidden beneath a waterfall of dusty hair
Protected by a forest of oak soldiers
A glint of hazel scurried to meet her

"Growing up", I murmered so quietly
She could only just hear the words before
The breeze flew them away

Today I managed to convince myself that there was not a single soul in the world who loved me
That I was alone amongst stars whose names were long forgotten
Just as my own name was on the prescipice
Already a half murmered phrase, a syllable dropped here and there
Just me in inky sky watching my own hands crumble to smoke
Carried away on a wind that will not even return my echo to me
I saw a shooting star and recognised her for the girl I sat opposite on a bus once
Dared not call her name for knowledge she did not herself know it anymore
The smoke climbed further, my arms and all the nerves inside them
Unravelling into shadow, even as my own shadow had long since fled
Once upon the sunlight I could have called forth memory
Gripped his heart in my fist and demand one more day
Another aching hour before the unmaking
The smoke has her silken hands around my neck
Tender as an embrace I collapse into her mouth
As I am consumed I see the faces of everyone I carried inside my heart
Forget their names, their voices, the colours of their eyes
And am too forgotten by all but the nights' cold quiet
Everything is lost to the hungry dark
Small, but a death just the same

Irrevegant scapegoat with uncooked beliefs sheaths his knife when he finds the doubts he worked so hard to bury.

The words don't carry that weight anymore, he mused, and laughing aloud at the faces of the brandy-plied crowd he turns on his heel and vanishes into the rain.

We watch this, silent as only a stunned mass can be when faced with eternity, then turn to each other to mutter low-murmered threats about the night and the sight we'd just beheld.

A special time for all, as we sink back into hell.

"It's late" he whispered.
"I know, I know."
"I'm tired" he murmered.
"Then go, then go."
"I can't" he chuckled.
"Why not, why not?"
He was silent.
"Because you're hot."

AN ODE TO BLISSFUL MEMOIRES
(Bijoylakshmi Das)
Deep I merge into memories past -
To excavate from Mind's fathomless Vast,
To make it afresh and sylvan-rapt
That wraps me around like mnemonics of the chapter last.

In dalliance of a fairyland delight
The lone moments paved way to an untrammelled Bliss,
The Sweetheart Sovereign's seraphic sojourn
And His all-transcending Heaven-fraught kiss.

The Bacchic mirth once made life worth,
The mundane mire turned to heavenly hue,
Air stirred with Elysean resplendence
The prodigious parable opened its pages anew.

The Soul sported with splendid might
In unending ecstasy of solitude recondite,
The Empyrean Damsel alighted upon Earth -
With soft unceasing sobs from the Infinite.

The Night gleamed with a vesper brilliance
The ****** Moon played Her alluring dance,
The Day's diadem dazzled with Sun-clad rays
Life enlivened in an euphoric Trance.

The blissful marvel carved out of arcane depths
To herald the Dawn of a Surrealist realm,
The star-spangled firmament in its twinkling tuning
Played Eternal Love's divine game.

How magnificent, bright and calm
Were the majestic momentous moments sublime!
The Distant brooklets murmered muse to Silence
In their unspoken never-ending rhyme.

The unsung Music, the unheard Symphony
Soon opened their golden doors for You,
The Unknown Traveller of the Mystic Kingdom -
Dawned upon Earth to dwell in midst of morn-moist dew.

Now the mind gathers souvenir from the forgotten Archive past,
The unexplored Empire seeks new release  -
In Light and Love and an unending Certitude :
The Glory that would never cease.

I bow down to the Supreme Above,
In Gratitude and Solemnity to His boundless Love.
(Bijoylakshmi Das, Haridwar. 26th July 2019)