There is a beautiful girl who wears blue dresses and has golden blonde hair and picks apples and reads George Orwell and listens to Bob Dylan and lives on the north side of Texas.
Today is her birthday and the best thing I could do is give her a phone call but I lost her number months ago and she hasn't called me yet.
Instead I'll sit here and think about her. Maybe if I think good things about he she will feel good.
That's all I could really ask for, isn't it?
That's all I want for her anyway.

I, on the other hand, want to hold her strong body in my arms and be whispered to sleep by her warm voice. I want to run my calloused hands through her soft hair and read her some E.E. Cummings and nap with her out in the warm Texas sun and drink some of her mother's sweet black tea that is eerily famous in that small town.

I remember the first time she came to this side of the country, the first time I met her.  
She came to visit a friend (who we had grown accustomed to calling Tex) who had moved to this side of the country three or four months earlier.
I met her, the girl who wears blue dresses (Anna) at a market that this town has weekly.
Her golden hair shown against the California sun in a dazzling manner and her blue dress stood out among the short shorts and tank tops. She was eating an apple and walking with Tex. When Tex spotted me she yelled and beckoned me over.
"Nolan, this is Anna," she had said "You're the first native Californian she has met."
I took Anna's hand and told her that I was honored and that it was good to have her in this small town and how sorry I was that I am the first Californian she met and not about how warm her hand was and not about how beautiful she looked in the Autumnal aura surrounding us.
She smiled and told me, in her minute Texas drawl, that it was quite alright and that she liked my sweater.

The second time she visited, we were all sitting in Tex's living room with Tex, her boyfriend Lukas, and Anna. Tex had forced me to come because she felt bad for third wheeling Anna and that "Hey, Anna thought you were cute."
Nervously, I somehow managed "So, uhh, '50/50' is in theaters and it looks ******* awesome. Plus, it's got JGL in it... oh, pardon my language, Anna. But uhh yeah, we should go."
Anna placed her hand on my wrist, "Oh, I would love to! It could be a double date!"
It took me a second but I blushed a darker shade of red that I had ever seen.
Tex clapped her hands "Oh lordy why aren't we on our way now?" Her accent had mostly gone away but she still said 'Lordy' and 'Ya'll' and it was funny.
Lukas was down and we all piled into my old, green Ford Ranger and were on our way.

At the Theater Lukas was on my left and Tex was on his left. Anna was in the seat to my right.
At one point in the movie, I can't remember when, Anna placed her hand on my wrist and I sat there scared halfway to hell.
At another point Anna started crying and I put my arm around her and she cried into my shoulder.
The movie ended and Anna looked up at me and smiled.
She said something and now I can't remember what it was but I can still hear it.

I dropped Tex and Lukas off at Lukas's and drove Anna over to Tex's place.
I walked her to the front door and today she was wearing a dark pink dress. Or maybe it was light red. She had her hands gripping the sides by her thighs as we stood on the door step.
I started to tell her that I had a good time and it's okay, the tears would probably wash out of my shirt when she leaned up and kissed me. Her hands stayed gripping my sides during the quick kiss.
We stood there facing each other for a few seconds before she shoved her finger in my chest and said "I'm going to invite you inside and we're going to kiss some more but I am going back to Texas in a week so you better not make me fall in love with you, Nolan Fillman, or I will be very angry."

We fell in love.
I drove her and Tex to the airport on the day she had to leave.
Tex and I sat with her until the moment she had to board.
As we stood up she kissed me, longer than on the doorstep a week before and I could feel tears against my face. She stuck her finger in my chest again and said "Well this is just peachy, Nolan Fillman, I will probably never see you again."

That was two years ago. It was her birthday and I spoiled it and now two years later I can't properly wish her a happy birthday.

"It is a bad religion to love someone who can not love you back"








-

Every time, I pass by an In-N-Out I remember that night we went to a show in Sacramento.
You, driving your van full of people and hopes and laughs and drugs,
pulled up in front of the school around 5 o'clock on a rainy January afternoon.
I hopped in, immediately overwhelmed by the love I took the back seat to myself.
In front of me was Jena, wearing her blue and purple sweater that I always will remember by.
Next to her was Fritz, dressed in his usual attire consisting of a hoody and jeans.
Next to him was Shelby, a girl I had not had the pleasure of spending time with before that night.
She didn't say much throughout the whole night nor has she since then.
Riding shotgun was Dylan, another person I had not hung out with before. He was busy mixing shisha and hash oil and I don't blame him for not saying hello.
And you, Tyler, you were driving. And as we drove with the windows down, your hair whipped around.

Almost as soon as we were on our way, I was packing spliff, courtesy of Shelby into a pipe, courtesy me.
We got it burning, just as we reached the highway and not long after that the hookah, courtesy Fritz, was slowly burning the hash-shisha concoction, courtesy Dylan.
I remember not saying much, except when we sang along to some rap song that I could not tell you the name of now.
And at one point, after the spliff had all been smoked and quick hooka session  had concluded Dylan turned around and asked me something I could not make out.
I replied back to him with a what and he again asked an non-understandable question, only this time I said "Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm really high."
Everybody in the van laughed and Tyler said she loved me and Fritz patted me on the back and Shelby turned around and smile at me.
Maybe a half hour after we left we stopped at In-N-Out for some beautiful Double-Doubles.
Once we got our food we began to understand that we had ordered not Double-Doubles but regular hamburgers. Albeit we were very put off by this, it did little to ruin our night.

I can only remember brief portions of that night.
I remember being dropped off at the curb of a punk rock show Shelby and I were attending.
I remember meeting our friends Lukas and Dakota, who are dating, inside.
I remember standing watching the bands, thinking of God knows what.
I remember walking two blocks to a parking lot the van was parked in.
I remember getting in, again overwhelmed by the love and this time, smoke.
I remember Lukas and I went outside to smoke a cigarette.
I remember a local coming up to us and asking us for a light.
I remember talking to him about something. The weather, perhaps.
I remember hugging Lukas good bye and getting in the van.
I remember falling asleep.
I remember waking up at a gas station where the tank was filled, courtesy Fritz.
I remember getting home.
I remember the laughs
and the smoke
and Lukas
and Fritz
and Tyler
and Jena
and Shelby
and Dakota
and Dylan.
I remember the love.

Strong
Is the way you
Crawl through life's
barbed wires,
***** traps,
And barricades
And coming out still standing up after everything,
Still going.

Strong is withstanding
The harshest sand wind,
Letting the grains smother you,
Try to take you down,
But you still stand.

Strong is fighting for what is right,
Being able to know when you need to step in,
Realizing one's mistakes,
Fixing.

her age not so much mattering she talked on the twins she was about to have.  I held the hands of my mothers and each fronted their stomachs with full baskets.  my own stomach was in its prime and not yet the space beneath my *******.  I wondered at that point had I heard, ever, a man speak.  a song came to me but it was tucked as in a church.  my mothers on either side of me were not meant for this genre of grocery.  the low singing, the bulk rice.  we would the three of us go home that night to our videocassette of Witness.  it falls today under thriller and or drama but we knew it as horror.  mr. ford bends the boy’s finger in the police station but not backward, instead forward, instead very maternal.

We all wonder in the dark
Trying to see the good
Trying to feel warmth

A small red ember falls to the ground
It glows and it gives of warmth
This is how his revolution started
A small speck in the dark

We fed the ember with praise
And likes that made it grow
People gathered as a fire became

People like his light and his warmth
He grew into a bonfire
Though not low on fuel and praise

Our fire has started to wane
Its not quite as bright
Or as warm
But it still changes our hearts

Andy a poet on here is really sick. Though he still manages to change our lives everyday. He's stronger than anything you'll ever encounter. Andy if you're reading this is means you need to kick cancer's **** because we're here to catch you and revive you so you can win. That's what I want for Christmas. For Andy to survive. When he does I will be first in line to say "Andy you've changed my life and I can't ask for a better savior." ---Lukas---

Today feels a little bit off,
a little bit off than yesterday,
and a little bit off than the day before
yesterday.

If only I could replay January,
as often as I replay Lukas Graham's "What happened to perfect".
If only I could skip to the parts where you were
always here
And erase the parts where you weren't.

If only I could scream "CUT" at the scenes where you start to make my skin itch,
And my temper bomb tick,
like this sheet I'm lying on.

But it feels like we're on different sides of the globe,
And I'm always here but you never want to stay,
you never want to come home.

I wish I could fast foward to the parts where things are okay again,
Where I'm sitting next to you, and you're smiling
and I'm looking at you
Telling you how beautiful you are.
And then I could say:
"This is perfect
Let's pause here."

But we're not starring in a movie,
this is not a song, and
we're not characters in a play
This is real life,
And sadly it is always on play.

Knee deep in nostalgia
floating across an ocean of melancholy.
Dreams of Broad Street
nightmares of Nevada Union.

Falling in love with you was an often and legitimate experience.

Sitting on the National balcony
watching the clouds shape.
Iced coffee from Foxhound Espresso House
bent paperbacks from Toadhall Used Bookstore.

California, you'll never let go of me.

******, driving Newton Road
the long way home (I always took it).
******, driving home from the Yuba
sun baked but hydrated.
Drunk, making love in the guest room
after sitting on the porch
smoking, drinking, sometimes snorting
later, making love.


God talked to me the other day
at first God's voice was my own
but I've never given my internal monologue too much air time anyway.
When I wouldn't listen God's voice became my little sister's.
God say "full of hate, full of apathy, also full of love, also full of patience, your heart can't take it. Go back to California and fall in love with her again." Laying down in a patch of grass I asked God "Again?" but she didn't answer, she spoke again "full of hate, you must fall in love with her again"
I closed my eyes and God showed me Liam and Lukas and Sam Hughes cuddling together halfway through a mushroom trip. "Love" God said.
God showed me the Yuba river, fit to burst. "Love"
God showed me my mother reading Audrey "Ricki Ticki Tembo".

The Pandemic in Six-Word Memoirs
“The world has never felt smaller.”

By Larry Smith
Mr. Smith is the creator of Six Word Memoirs.

Since 2006, I’ve been challenging people to describe their lives in six words, a form I call the six-word memoir — a personal twist on the legendary six-word story attributed to Ernest Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

I’ve found that some of the most memorable six-word stories arise in the extremes — during our toughest and most joyous moments. So over the past several months, I’ve asked adults and children around the country to use the form to make sense of this moment in history: one person, one story, and six words at a time.

Not a criminal, but running masked.
— Stella Kleinman

Every day’s a bad hair day.
— Leigh Giza

Home ec: rationing butter, bourbon, sanity.
— Christine Triano

Cinemagraph
Can’t smell the campfire on Zoom.
— Melanie Abrams

Deserted crowded Manhattan, my own island …
— Elisa Shevitz

Eighth hour of YouTube. Send Help!
— Leela Chandra

Cinemagraph
Messy hair, messy room, messy thoughts.
— Lily Herman

I regret saying, “I hate school.”
— Riana Heffron

Read every book in the house.
— Francesca Gomez-Novy

Cinemagraph
Never-ending, but boredom doesn’t faze me.
— Lily Gold

Required school supplies: screens, screens, screens.
— Darshana Chandra

Won scrabble; smile breaks through mask.
— Abby Ellin

Cinemagraph
Tuning out parents, under my headphones.
— Lukas Smith

This is what time looks like.
— Sylvia Sichel


Bad time for an open marriage.
— Rachel Lehmann-Haupt

Cinemagraph
Sun-kissed lips? Not kissed this year.
— Twanna Hines

Avoiding death, but certainly not living.
— Sydney Reimann

Social distancing myself from the fridge.
— Maria Leopoldo

Cinemagraph
Dream of: heat, limbs, crowds, concerts.
— Amy Turn Sharp

Teacher finding inspiration through uneasy times.
— April Goodman

Slowly turning into a technological potato.
— Jad Ammar

Cleaned Lysol container with Lysol wipe.
— Alex Wasser

Cinemagraph
Hallway hike, bathtub swim, Pandora concert.
— Susan Evind

Numbers rise, but sun does too.
— Paloma Lenz

Afraid of: snakes, heights, opening schools.
— Michelle Wolff

The world has never felt smaller.
— Maggie Smith

Cinemagraph
How do you make sense of this moment in history?

Share your own six-word memoir in the comments. We’ll feature some of our favorites in a future article.

Will you leak into my soul and convince us
to never regret showing too much love.
They say «The world might end tomorrow»
Maybe we then have the courage to do so.
Will you light me up deep in the dark forest?
As a red bell lily ready to get undressed
Will you see me for what’s underneath?
To wait for me in the garden you’ve created
Will you hold the weights that I bear?
With the golden rewards that i’ll prepare
Will you listen to a woman’s song?
As she’s swimming through the golden waterfall
Will you feel it further down?
Entering the layers of trapped electricity
Will you handle the heartbeats and the rapid shivers?
Letting it float through your endless rivers
Will you cut open the stitches you've sewn?
When you’re filling me up with beautiful phrases
Will you then dare to try?
Reaching high up in the skies
As plants growing around the soft thighs
Will you not worry, nor be scared?
To say too much, care too much or love harder
Will you rip off my invisible gloves?
Allowing the body to love what it loves
All I ask, in these six months left above all
Will you catch me if I fall?

Leather coat, hat and a water pipe
Old music, night walks, that kind of type
Hundreds of thoughts never been said
Trapped and closed with needle and tread

Rivers pouring through his pale skin
golden waterfall coming from within
Innocent eyes of a lost polar bear
Walking there in silence, I know he’s rare