the smell wafted like a dream.
charred wood and red smoke.
“benjie!” she yelled
as i ran away down the hall
raising my arm against the flickering heat.
“benjie, come back!” she pleaded. “leave him alone!”
i stopped
and coughed.
hot air rushed across my face.
hearing nothing but the roaring smoke
i froze-up --
torn for the first time
between Comfort and Knowledge.

then slowly
out of the choking haze
came a whimper
and a scrape.
and a punch shook the wall.
i peeked inside the sizzling arch.
hot pitch oozed
from an overhead beam
caught fire
and dripped tiny flamelets
onto the hardwood floor.
he was there alright.
shaking  
and sitting on the floor in the corner.
i whispered:
“what’s the matter daddy?”
he looked up
through crazed eyes of fire and hate.
“go away boy”.
then he cried
and hugged his knees.

it was, as it is
like before and after
I forgot and remembered
all these big, yet little things
that we call emotions.
which made up who we were
and the lost wishes we hold
as we spiral out
— of control.
I remembered, I did...
love you most

White walls.
Plenty of time,
Is what the boy thinks.
He can't swim
But he jumps in the pool
And hopes he doesn't sink.

The pool has white walls.
Blankness is what I see.
Being able to create what I want
I see things that others do not.
At least that is what I think.
To me they are ghost that haunt.

Me
I see myself
Not free
Sometimes
There are things
I cannot see.

White walls in the jail cells
But one wall is pure bars.
I am a caged beast.
Those people there
who call me friend
know me the least.

I say what I mean.
Do what I say.
As soon as I hear the beat.
I live for dreams.
The ones I cannot control.
Which is why I love to fall asleep.

On these walls I see my flaws.
My flaws create my past pain.
Looking at these walls keep me from changing.
200 years ago
I could have had it worse
And would have been slaving.

No I'm not Django
Or even Jamie Foxx.
I am more of a Jaden Smith.
Why?
Because they don't understand my drift.

But I do
That's all that really matters
Understanding self
First
Priority.

I may be jading quickly
Turning into a white wall.
Pale
Blank
Silent
Unless I express myself.

i remember that sunset drive.
cascades of light that folded in between our hands.
and i watched you close your hands against mine.
i watched the light between our hands fade — into nothing.
pulling back was the only course i took to save us,
but you will never know that, will you?
it was on that drive did I realize...
love is such a jading feeling.

Frolicking with you on white snow
I am a little boy yeah I know
Won’t you come to my house for cocoa

Come sleighing, we’ll go together
Don’t mind the chill of the weather
We’ll get lost in the sky forever

Walking by your side I am shy
Holding of your hand we walk by
Look into my eyes i don’t know why

Starlight, the morning is waning
My love for you is fading
Reflection on white snow is jading

I’ll be waiting

She grows so tired of this time,
too much to understand,
the smile fading day by day,
no chance for all she'd planned.

She tires of this broken dream,
its promise unfulfilled,
the time slows further day by day,
no path to be revealed.

She grows more tired of this world,
this constant downward *****,
the light glows dimmer day by day,
no dawn to bring her hope.

She tires of the pain within,
these endless gnawing fears,
the hurt grows stronger day by day,
no strength to hide the tears.

She grows so tired of this life,
this smile so hard to fake,
the reasons dwindle day by day,
no saviour's hand to take.

She tires of all that she's seen,
and all that's been and gone,
the future jading day by day,
no will to carry on.

no one cries over spilled milk
i do
well, it must not be over spilled milk, then?
no
that can’t be right
but it is

i cry over spilled milk
how could you not
some cry over spilled brains
spilled milk is my weakness
evoking the deepest sadness
a trying entity
spilled milk is life
a perfect crystal glass
shards everywhere
piercing my heart
watering my eyes
jading my soul
milk is creamy white dreams
like the creamy white cloud fortress
in a creamy white heaven
all over my kitchen counter

I am utterly terrified of horses
When i was 5 they bit me
When i was 10 they bucked me
At 15 they threw me
And at 16 they dragged me
Maybe it was because of all the glue i ate as a kid
Whatever it might be,
I've come to learn us tall folks
Best keep our feet on the ground
I still love to watch a horse
The power of God displayed in the movement
Rising and falling of such a noble beast
The grace of God found in
The grazing pastures high in the mountains
In the same way i believe my self to be a horse
This rebellious nature yearns to break
All bonds of fellowship and love
Yearns to be outside of the crushing expectations
I've been placed under
Thankfully my master is good kind and wise
He is good because he bought me at a great price
He is kind because i have not been made into glue
He is wise because of the fences he has built for me
Each time I break free
Each time i run, he doesn't yell
He doesn't get angry, cuss or get his gun
He wants me back but not at the sake
Jading me to scorn and rejection

What i perceive as glory is not true glory
What i know to be true may not be true
When once i sought to be a mustang free
A plow horse is my true destiny
Not to say i am broken down
But to say he is building me up
Building me to be strong
Building me to be steadfast and unwavering
Just as he is these things
Where others see entrapment i see a freedom
Greater than the mustang would find over that hill
Such freedom that frees me still
I've traded up in this system
I've traded my burdens for a joy unending
I've traded my chains for a cross all powerful

I've found a cross within these fences
Found a freedom that should not be
Daily I must carry it
Daily i must die
This yoke is light
The responsibility is heavy
How do i follow in the footsteps
You who've gone before
You can teach an old dog new tricks
But can you teach a workhorse how to love
Teach him work to find the pearl buried in the field
Teach him to sell himself to find it
Teach him that eternal life is nothing without eternal love

If you are pardoned by the King
You owe him your life
If you want to live,
First you must die
As the farmer works the fields
As horse pulls the plow
So too must i work
He is teaching me how