Lost in myself
Everything looks familiar but unfamiliar
Feeling like I'm loosing my mind
I know it's anxiety or a panic attack
I know I'm depersonalizing as a retreat
But I keep fighting to stay in the moment
But it's hard to stay in the moment when
The moment already feels foreign
Feeling like I'm going crazy
Going out if my mind
Worry kicks in even more
Even though I tell myself I'm fine
I don't feel fine.. I feel scared
I feel lost, I feel like a burden to those around me

My brain has its own form of colorblindness
Refusing to see anything other than monochromatic shades of black or white
You're either something that i cannot possibly be around another minute
Or i don't want you to leave
It can go from content
To barely controlled anger
In a matter of seconds
But what's worse
Splitting or depersonalizing
How am i supposed to know when i mix them as often as others mix their drinks?
How can my own thought process be just as flawed as my vision?
How am i supposed to tell whether you hate me or not?
How do i think in anything other than extremes?

friend
best friend
forever friend

where did you go
your warming presence
the glitter in your soul

where did you go
fear

so close to the sun
too frightened

shadows and storms protect you
encompass my aura
terror in your eyes

destruction in action
a shattered atmosphere
are you here?

dissociating
depersonalizing
disposing me

may your soul return soon
come back old friend

Weeping wounds lie at the heart of the wellspring,
Whose acrid tears are the meal of a godless whorl

An accretion disk convinced of personality
A depersonalizing wreck envious of its own neck

Bearing witness to reflections in the collapsing medium that surrounds the head

And hands stretch out in the great magnetic core
Where breath can stay and peace is an object unto itself

But no one ever tries,
Because the shuddering has remembered the choking
And impossible securities have just been left behind
Like the longest path of stepping stones to a grave.