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John O’Sullivan was an electrical engineer for Consolidated Edison for Forty years. He drove himself and his staff hard, and took pride in the smooth operation of his substation on the lower East side of Manhattan.  When a man like John, who proudly self-identified as a type “A” personality, decides to take a break it so often proves to be a serious if not fatal mistake.

In the summer of 2007, my cousin John took his wife, Margaret, on a rare vacation out of the country to the sun swept beaches of Aruba.  While a beach vacation was perfect for Margaret, who loved nothing better than to lounge in the sun reading her book, it was a form of physical and mental torture for her husband.  He grew restless lying beside her in the hot midwinter sun as his pasty white skin turned a robust red despite his constant application of sunscreen.

I will never be sure what precipitated John’s near fatal stroke on that vacation trip. It may have been a combination of too much alcohol and too much sun. It is even possible that he had mixed up his daily medications.  All I know is that when my cousin was air lifted to a State side hospital, he was suffering the consequences of a severe brain damaging event.

When I saw John in the hospital, I could see that he had lost most of the use of the right side of his body and that he was going to be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life. While he certainly recognized me and tried to smile and communicate as best he could with gestures and a wave of his hand he had lost nearly all his power of speech.

My college educated, urbane sophisticated cousin’s vocabulary was very much diminished by the cerebral accident and now consisted of one word: “Bang”. He made the most of his one word personal dictionary. He could, by variation in tone and inflection, make his one word sound like a greeting, a farewell, a warning, a curse or a need for intention.

The word “bang” could express a terrible wellspring of frustration.  John had spent most of his life in a position of command, first as a Marine noncom,, then as the chief Engineer who ran the substation that powered the lower part of Manhattan. Words, to him, were as vital as eyes were to an artist, ears to an artist or taste buds to a gourmoo.

Locked inside my cousin was the person we had formerly known. He was not like an Alzheimer’s victim whose mind had staged a gradual retreat from his body. Rather, I am convinced, he was being held prisoner within the folds of his damaged Parietal lobe.

From the first, there has been no question that he would never set foot in his old offices on E 14th Street again.  There could be no grand retirement party, just a quiet filing of his papers and the first payments from his retirement plan.  These were sufficient, along with his other investments, to provide him and his wife with a modest, comfortable retirement.  If not for the crash that swept the stock market in 2008, his stocks would have been sufficient to permit a healthy cousin John and his wife to tour the world. Now, in the shadow of the great recession, his remaining capital paid for the home health aides and medications that maintained his precarious existence.

Margaret passed on late in 2011, a problem with her heart, the attending physician said. I saw Cousin John at her wake, the chief mourner unable to express his grief.  I took his good hand and expressed my fellow feeling for his loss. My poor words of condolence were inadequate but he gave my hand a gentle squeeze and whispered “bang” which told me he understood. It was a gentle voice from somewhere out on the edge of sadness.

With Margaret gone, the primary responsibility for John’s care was taken over by his daughter Megan and her husband.  The family sold off the big old house in Yorkville and John moved in with Megan’s family in Pelham.  There his pension and savings paid for 24/7 nursing care and a physical therapist. It must have been a source of humiliation for this proud man, a Marine veteran of  the 26th Marine Battalion  who had  fought at Khe Sanh, to be laid upon a table and have his limbs moved by others to maintain their muscle tone in vain attempts  to retrain his surviving brain.

I last saw my cousin at the Fourth of July family picnic.  He had good color and displayed a healthy appetite. He really enjoyed the fireworks display on the East River. He said “Bang” repeatedly, with all the enthusiasm of a young child.

I got the sad news about John the day after Hurricane Sandy struck the New York area.  My cousin Megan was understandably upset and was blaming herself for allowing her father to watch the news on T.V.  He had become visibly agitated when Eyewitness news showed the Con Edison plant of E14th Street exploding and the lower half of Manhattan plunging into darkness. Megan said that Dad screamed “BANG” in a tortured voice, then slumped back into his chair and was gone.

I never did get to the services for Cousin John.  My own house was without power and heat and the gas in my tank was too dangerously low to risk the trip in those days immediately following the storm. I still think of my late cousin often, and when I do I toss a bootless prayer for him into the winds of Eternity. The substation on E. 14th has been repaired; The damaged homes ripped down or rebuilt and the reminders of the storm grow fewer and fewer like the surface of the sea grown calm in the wake of the storm.

A gaggle of glamour girls,
Debutantes of Times gone by.

With talk of Aruba,
White Sands and clear blue waters,
Spoken to inspire jealousy to all those around.

And of organization,
Motherhood and label makers,
Construction of pigeon holes for every part of life.

And the Latino Girl at work,
Whispers of the lasciviousness of a life unknown,
In the silliness of two glasses of white wine each.


I smoke a barrier between them and me.

In an effusive hurried rush they leave,
In search of sustenance of the soul,
In search of Sisterhood.

I sit in a Dewar’s drought.

She walks by and grazes her fingertips across my back,
A touch of familiarity,
A touch that I long for.

Gently, I speak,
Within this microcosm,
You stand as Aphrodite.

Smiling, she goes about her work.

I return the appreciation,
The warmth of bad bourbon,
Exuding from my pores.

Cause I sit in a Dewar’s drought.

They sit down in the virility of youth,
Testosterone tilted hats,
Speaking the language of Poser Street,
In the melody of white noise.


Showcasing the uniforms of a self-created culture.

I turn and tune them out.

Want to get a mortgage?
A loan to buy a car?
Tickets to a Aruba?
You need not go too far

You want to take a photo?
Check to see if it will snow?
Do a search and you will find
All you need to know

Oh...buddy, there's an app out there
For all you want to do
Even things you do not like
There's apps for those things too

You're in to online gaming?
You need groceries, maybe beer?
Don't worry, bud, it's out there
Thousands more show up each year

Lyrics for a song you like
You can find them in three notes
You want to lay a bet in Vegas
You need to buy some extra totes

Oh...buddy, there's an app out there
For all you want to do
Even things you do not like
There's apps for those things too

You want to find a certain app
There's an app that does that too
There's an app that knows just what you want
Before you know you do

If you want to write a novel
Who cares that you can't spell?
I'm sure that you have figured
There's an app for that as well

Oh...buddy, there's an app out there
For all you want to do
Even things you do not like
There's apps for those things too

So, now, in summation
Listen close to me
There's an app out in the ether
You can download it for free

If you want to buy your groceries
Get a girlfriend, buy a cat
You can always know that somewhere
That there's an app for that.

I tried to sew us together
with pillow talk and Tuesday date nights –
a twine, twisting around our half-empty hearts
like a snake strangling its prey.
It began with a sidelong glance,
a quick white lie settling on the edge of my tongue,
and you, wrapped in the enigmatic smile
she wore that day in the office.

You tried to glue us together
with our ancient conversations –
adhering us weakly to promises
we’d long ago broken and never admitted to.
It was obvious in the repeated arguments
about your ugly comforter,
how much I hated the distance
driven between us by our diverging futures.

Together we chipped away
at the concrete foundation laid years ago
when I confessed that I loved you
on that hot, windy night in Aruba.
It sometimes resurfaces
when I mention tomorrow,
the look of terror you didn’t think I saw then,
but you sometimes still wear.

And I know that the days we live
are drifting us farther apart –
wedging themselves in the cracks
we’ve made with each biting word.
It tightens, the fraying tether that binds us,
as we stretch further and further,
and although we know it will someday break,
we hold on to each other for now.

I found a note
from the Muse
this morning.

It read:

I've gone to Aruba
to work on my tan;
you're on your own,
do the best you can.

Capricious *****.

She knows
I'll wait for her;
I always do.

How very like
a woman;
so certain
of her charms.

But I don't have
to like it.

When she returns,
I'll sulk a bit.

It stings to be so
taken for granted,
even by a goddess.
  - mce

in Alaska? Go on and ask
her. But what does it
matter? You no longer have her.

Do they do that
in Boston? I get kinda
lost in these old time
rituals. So that’s the way it goes.

Do they do that
in Italy? I wouldn’t take it
literally. They talk with their hands
so, no one understands.

Do they do that
in Aruba? I heard you
got to **** her. She’s getting
old, Can’t you tell she’s moving
slow?

Do they do that
in Turkey? You get jerky
when you’re trying to be like
them. Stop all that pretend.

Thunder and Lightning in Acapulco skies
Divi trees that went on for miles in Aruba
Incredible Prince Edward Island's pristine beauty
The Sistine Chapel and the Vatican
The incredible trip to Carmel California and wanting to rent there two times a year
Oh Monterey what else can I say.
Italy and Switzerland
Florence wants me to finish her museums
Need more than a half day in  Switzerland but we will return
The photo albums remind me that someday Covid will be a horrible memory
The Cloud will once again be filled with pastel colored pages and beautiful times we shared with old friends and new
Until then,Remember

C@rainbowchaser2020