I wonder 'oo and wot 'e was,
That 'Un I got so slick.
I couldn't see 'is face because
The night was 'ideous thick.
I just made out among the black
A blinkin' wedge o' white;
Then biff! I guess I got 'im crack --
The man I killed last night.

I wonder if account o' me
Some ***** will go *****,
And 'eaps o' lives will never be,
Because 'e's stark and dead?
Or if 'is missis damns the war,
And by some candle light,
Tow-headed kids are prayin' for
The Fritz I copped last night.

I wonder, 'struth, I wonder why
I 'ad that 'orful dream?
I saw up in the giddy sky
The gates o' God agleam;
I saw the gates o' 'eaven shine
Wiv everlastin' light:
And then . . . I knew that I'd got mine,
As 'e got 'is last night.

Aye, bang beyond the broodin' mists
Where spawn the mother stars,
I 'ammered wiv me ****** fists
Upon them golden bars;
I 'ammered till a devil's doubt
Fair froze me wiv affright:
To fink wot God would say about
The bloke I corpsed last night.

I 'ushed; I wilted wiv despair,
When, like a rosy flame,
I sees a angel standin' there
'Oo calls me by me name.
'E 'ad such soft, such shiny eyes;
'E 'eld 'is 'and and smiled;
And through the gates o' Paradise
'E led me like a child.

'E led me by them golden palms
Wot 'ems that jeweled street;
And seraphs was a-singin' psalms,
You've no ideer 'ow sweet;
Wiv cheroobs crowdin' closer round
Than peas is in a pod,
'E led me to a shiny mound
Where beams the throne o' God.

And then I 'ears God's werry voice:
"Bill 'agan, 'ave no fear.
Stand up and glory and rejoice
For 'im 'oo led you 'ere."
And in a nip I seemed to see:
Aye, like a flash o' light,
My angel pal I knew to be
The chap I plugged last night.

Now, I don't claim to understand --
They calls me Bonehead Bill;
They shoves a rifle in me 'and,
And show me 'ow to ****.
Me job's to risk me life and limb,
But . . . be it wrong or right,
This cross I'm makin', it's for 'im,
The cove I croaked last night.

s.   l. .. w.        he tells you
n.  i      h          he loves you
o.  n.    i.          and he's
r.   e .   l.     ,.   quitting
t.    s .   e...       today, and the lines
                          get longer but he still wants
                          you to stay and when he
          
R E L A P S E S

                      and does too much too soon
                    and you're holding him and
                 you're screaming into the phone
              and they keep asking
                      h
                       o
                        w

much did he do?
and you're
lying and you
snort another
line and you
put down the phone
and when the
police (!!!)
knock on the door
you have nodded
out and he is
gone and you are
bleeding and you
open your palms
and you clutched
the razor so tight
and you cut up
another pill and
you snort the pill
and the door
                                      breaks
                                      down

and you cry and
you swear you
don't know how much
he took and they
tell you he is not
coming back and you
blame yo ur self
blame yo ur self
blame yo ur self
blame yo ursel f
an dyo u f o rgot
h ow mu c h
(h o w mch dd i tk agan?)
a nd
yo u colla ps
a nd you're gone
and the lines
don't matter
anymore

.
.
.
.
.

it's completely silent throughout the house at 6am
but then agan that might be my dad i hear
only the clocks are ticking in the candlelight that smells of pine
don't turn on the music for the silence is speaking and listening carefully to me
the vents blow their warm breeze and i am comforted enough
in this home where i feel like an outsider early mornings are not the usual but 3am's where i stay up until i pass out but at least in quiet
my life is at a standstill
since i can't make decisions

Living in the shadows of the past
Watered down, added color
A mirage of what once was

Will it drive me insane
Before I escape this pain

Take it all away
Lock it up
Keep it safe

Until it rips me open again

...until it rips me open agan

He had a heart attack.  I gave him cpr. When I rolled him over to clear his airways, beacuse he puked in my mouth, I therw my back out. The ambulance took 45 min to get there. He died in my arms. I watched his deep purple face take his last ragged breath. I lost my everything in a matter of moments. My best friend, my confidant, my roommate, the best father to my children anyone could ever ask for, my rock; just gone! He's gone and I can't ever hug him again. I can't tell him I love him any more n hear him say ,"I love you more." I can never again respond "nope". no more family trips, no more weird conversations in the middle of the night or  early in the mornings. He's ******* gone! I cant sleep, it all replays in my mind as im watching him die over and over agan seeing his lifeless eyes and swollen tongue, and the color purple, I used to love purple but now it will forever haunt my waking and sleeping dreams; and im so not ok!

What the hell did we fight for?
Did we drop our helmets at the door?
At the door?
Just like the Romans, The British, The Soviets before, now we died in the desert, just like the forces before.
Forces before.

When the sun shone high we pulled the troops and brought em back home to Yankee Doodle land, while we sacrificed the women to the Taliban. You can kiss education, hope and civil rights goodbye.

The sun has set once again so, so long Siagon and Goodbye agan Afghanistan.

Now the citizen fled to the airports trying to hitch a ride on the outside of a plane, gripping that cold metal to their chest and hoping they fall over Afghanistan, rather be dead from a fall than alive over there again.

It's a sad state of affairs when we start a war and skip out on the check, Vietnam springs to mind, so let's hang our head and give thanks to
Bush
Obama
Trump
Biden
I hope it was worth it?
Was it really ******* worth it?
I don't think so
Not at all.

theres a stairway to heaven one that we all climb
where we rest in peace when it is our time
when we meet our loved ones thats already there
in heaven up above high up in the air

united once again as a family
in heaven up above  just like it used to be
safe for evermore. no sorrow or no pain
united as a family together once agan

at peace for evermore in a land of love
where the angels stay in heaven up above
no more sorrow will there be that as come cease
from now on you are safe and can rest in peace

Across my body, i have an overlayer of mistakes
Im trying to dig out all my problems
Im trying to bleed out all my worries
Im trying to squeeze out all my fears
But instead i cleaned out all my strength
I developed a habit that i cannot put to rest
Im just wanting to pretend that I cant feel all the hurt
But i think about the pain that put me in the middle of the darkness
I inhaled the dangers of my curious thoughts
In the end i got trapped in my own web
And then i was like a spider;
Trying to escape what fears me
Everything is so much bigger than me
But my body is small because i shrunk myself and hid from it all
Then suddenly i couldnt help myself
I got crushed and i lost myself
Deep inside my body, i broke my own bones
The scars that appeared had me covered with my regrets
Now i peel off my guilt,
I bleed all over agan

its been four years mum since you passed away
to a better place where the angels stay
high up in the sky way up high above
i know you are safe now in there land of love

miss you everyday at last now you are free
no more pain or suffering will there ever be
we will meet agan then i can be with you
side by side together when im an angel two  

A POEM FOR A SPECIAL MUM ***