You are worthy.

     You are whole.

            You are loved.

When I look in the mirror it's like all I can see are my glaring flaws
The wild broken strands of my hair refusing to be tamed
The blemish that never ceases to rear its head
My belly that is always a little too round if only it could just be less
My thighs that rub together
My arms that defy my womanly existence because no woman's arms are that hairy
The purple sweeps underneath my eyes
That people always comment on when I have been brave enough to not cover them in makeup

When I look in the mirror
It's a war with myself

A war that has waged a lifetime
I'm tired
And the fighting has left my battleground filled with mud where did the flowers go
We're not born like this
Where did I get the notion that my value lies on my surface and not below it?

When I look in the mirror
Instead of fighting
I want to plant a garden
Wildflowers in my ears as colourful as my thoughts
Dandelions so I can make infinite wishes when they turn to seed over and over and
A patch of roses so their thorns remind me  of my heartache
Tulips for my resilience
Vegetables!
To feed my belly that I starved  
Let them nurture my bones unconditionally
Let my garden bring dragon flies
So I'm reminded that this world has been here longer than me and it will remain despite a thousand winters

I look in the mirror  
My hands caked in dirt
In all my imperfect glory
The roots soak up my tears
I am finally home from the war

It's difficult to decipher your declarations
The dance in your hips
Does not match the words on your lips
There's fire in the tips of your fingers
Your touch is warm but your eyes are cold
You're determined to warm your bones at night
But you shudder in the middle of summer

My darling
Rest your head in the sand
Let it bear the weight of your sadness
Let the ocean catch your tears
For the ocean is their home

Brush your curls with courage
Let your intuition see the sunrise
Instead of midnight
Speak love songs to your sins
Exhale your apprehensions
Let your ears hear the truth
You are enough to withstand centuries
Accept the love that is extended to you
Even warriors do not meet triumph alone

Bathe in your resolutions
The ones carved into your heart
Rest under the branches once and a while
And my love
When your hips want to dance
Let them dance

In 2019,
I want more.

Want more sunrises
More rolling out of bed with a purpose

More afternoons curled in a love seat

I want a garden
inside me and in my backyard

More friends
More nuzzles from dogs

More oceans

More allowance to make mistakes
After all, you were brave enough to try.

More stillness
More belly laughs
More love letters

More sway in my hips
Cool breeze on my lips

More looking in the mirror to see my smile
not the width of my thighs

More finding shapes in the clouds

More moments that leave me breathless

More life
All the painfully messy beautifully chaotic morsels
dripping from my chin

In 2019,
I want more.

Sunshine drips from my chin
Wipe the sunrise from the corners of my eyes
Dew rolls down my spine as I stand
Wave goodbye to the last slivers of dusk

How far I have travelled
To come home to myself.

how beautiful and painful the process
of consciously
purposefully
shedding the parts of yourself that you have outgrown

How rewarding it is
To take even one step closer
To who you know you can be

While I was busy planting flowers for others
I neglected to remain attentive to the vibrant petals that began to sprout between my toes.

They tell me I am deserving of their beauty
They are remarkable
I ignore the petunia's persistence and decline their invitation to take root among my insides
"You have planted so many of us for others,"
They sigh
"Let us remain planted here
For you
For once"
They remind me how I am capable of giving
Incapable of receiving
Incapable of receiving
Incapable of receiving

It is not until years later when I have planted so many wildflowers for others that there is but a thin line between their tips and the sun
They have grown so tall I am covered in shade
I stare down at my toes
The gaps between them are empty
No more seeds left
No more seeds left