emptiness is the only thing I have left
and sometimes it's hard to know you're even alive when you have nothing

a waste of words
resides inside this
rotting carcass

nothing is not enough to live for

I have to remember that the shape of the Earth does not resemble your fingertip.
I have to remember that my name sounds like a curse slipping through your lips.
I have to remember the hold you had on me.

I thought I peeled your hands away
I thought I took a new breath on my own without your aid
I believed in my independence... but only for a while.

It took me five bottles of liquor to realize that your hands never left my neck, and it only took me five minutes to realize that I still liked it.

i almost texted
"good morning i can't sleep"
to you
i guess it was a habit.

then i remembered
you are living a different life that i'm not a part of
anymore, not within nor without.

but that's okay,
we'll be strangers with some memories,
if i miss you
then that's my fault.

so,
good morning, i can't sleep.

still shaking from the caffeine
no motivation for much of anything
except a drive to your house.
today i want to practice my own well-being
but also be at peace with whatever you need

this love still makes my heart race at 90mph
you are still my favorite thing to touch

just let me know when you're ready to hit the brakes
because i don't have my seat-belt on.

i think of your floor and the baseball field under the stars, i want to kiss you there again, i want to climb another fence i want to climb onto the bus
i want to hold your ******* hand, i don't care when,
this is going to be fun.

i wish i'd get punched in the face
because
1. I deserve it
and 2. it'd be nice to feel so bruised but have it physically show.
the gross yellows and deep purples would be visible and undeniable
and there is a lot more wrong in me than the wrong i pinned on you today.
your love is valid
and this is so much fun
and i am a really really big *******
and a fool for even thinking i deserve your love or attention,
i feel like such an idiot
and i can't stop thinking

i know i deserve to be loved
i know that i am loved
((why do i ask for reassurance))
(am i really that selfish)

every mattress is an opportunity
every location
every patch of grass or mud puddle
i could kiss you anywhere
-it's june 16th i guess and my teen angst has a mind of its own
in the sense that i'm ridiculous
but also trying to use it as validation that i might just need to take care of myself
or maybe tell a doctor that i feel like lighting my arm on fire sometimes.
I'm convinced it's normal (because it is)

my whole life has been inside parentheses
a side note
can't say i mind
i'm comfortable living in the sidelines
less traffic here
still plenty of excitement when it's not in the spotlight
they're the memories we store in boxes in the back of our closets
they're the photos we pin to our wall but don't look at that often
they're the thoughts written down in unkempt journals we'll put in a drawer or pile under our bed when the pages are full
and i can be your parentheses
i can be the memory you store away one day,
occasionally fondly looking back and ruffling through
and touching the corners of photographs
(but not admiring for too long)
(I can be your parentheses)

i don't write as much anymore.
i'm trying not to romanticize every move you make
because sometimes life just isn't romantic
and looking at the moon would still be as cool without you behind me
(but it felt cooler with you there)
(and even the way you said goodbye this morning felt romantic)