I used to curse everything I touch
Not because of love
But because of selfish thoughts.
  I thought that flattering speech
Would break your wounds
Not make things bleed,
  But I blinded myself with my lust
And desires of feeling your want
And your trust.
  Manipulation was always my hand,
Playing the cards that I can,
No thought out plans!
  Why didn’t anyone break me down
So that I could bleed
And learn to stop bleeding others out!
  I was no different from the other guys
Who broke hearts left and right
With their selfish eyes!
Selfish soul, selfish heart, selfish hands,
Selfish plans, selfish wants, selfish thoughts,
Selfish love, selfish hugs, selfish drug,
Selfish kisses, selfish wishes, selfishness is
Still my poison, still my pride, still my go to every time,
Still my way of acting, still my way of thinking,
Still my words, still all I’m speaking,
Still my default, still my function, still my assumption, still my
production,
Still something that I look in the mirror and see,
Still something I’m praying for God to take away from me.

this wasn't our first time
at the waffle house
sitting across from each other
staring out the window
at fading car lights,
astigmatism placebo running rampant
(or maybe just greasy windows).
  this wasn't our first talk
about you wanting to die
sometime late at night,
we talked for hours
the week before this,
tears, sweat, and trembling lips.
  this was our first meal
we shared together at night
after hopeless thoughts
in late december
before your brother's wedding.
  this wasn't the last time
we'd see each other again,
or order the fully loaded hashbrowns,
or talk about suicide,
that would come in time.
  this is the first time
I've thought about this memory
and have been grateful for your marriage
and how far you've come
from eating garbage at 2am,
from wearing the punisher hoodie I gave you,
from drinking mike's hard lemonade,
from feeling lonely and hopeless
and wanting to end your life.

Apathy is a killer of children;
Oh great poisonous snake
Don’t you have any compassion?
Apathy is a killer of children;
Anna, Steve, Sebastian,
Will you make it to the kingdom?
Selfish preservation persists
From the inside of each one of your lips
But was it the times that did this?

Or was it the trauma of your siblings both getting arrested
And when your dad started calling your mom a *****?
Or was it the fact that your dad runs the ******* off Kirk
And you spend your days there watching women strip?
Or was it the fact that your older brother dealt drugs
And it was easy enough to get him to give you some,
And now it’s common practice to smoke **** at your house,
And when you feel numb you let yourself bleed out?
Or was that your parents never parented you
And they let you do whatever you wanted to do,
So at eight R-rated movies were nothing that new
And you watched ****** and ****** like daily cartoons.
And where were your parents when this happened to your hearts?
Oh right, they were screaming and yelling till you fell apart
And then doing the same things that they bruised you for
And then eventually not caring if you did them some more!

Was it your parents?
Was it their parents?
Was it this cycle?
Who can bear it?
Who can we blame?
Who will make the claim?
Who can you place all our burdens on and then walk away?
I can’t bear the weight
I can’t bear the weight
I can’t bear the weight
I can’t bear the weight
We can’t bear the weight
We can’t bear the weight
We can’t bear the weight
We can’t bear the weight!

And who’s going to stop and care about Sophie,
Not unstable enough to try to **** herself
But she’s feeling confused and she’s  feeling lowly
And she hopes she can have better mental health,
But the hospital will only make sure she’s calmed down
And her mom and her grandma won’t help her figure it out
And she’s been hurt from therapy and is afraid to go back
To a stranger who’s just there for a paycheck and that’s that!
Who’s hands will stay and hold all her blood
When it trickles down her arms from all her poorly hidden cuts!
Who has her blood on her hands, who is to blame
When her mom kicks down the door and screams her name:

“Sophie I’m sorry!”

Name the killer of children,
Can you name the killer of children?
Is there anyone specific
Who taught them to do this?
Name the killer of children.
Can you name the killer of children?
Was it their parents?
Was it this cycle?
Was it this world?
Was it their idols?
Name the killer of children.
Can you name the killer of children?
If anyone causes these little ones to stumble
Let them be tied to a millstone, drowning deep in open waters!
Can you name the killer of children?
Or do you have at least a spot to bury them in?

in my dreams
i think of something green
something 73 degrees
covered in trees;
and i see
white robes
colored skin
men and women
all different languages.

but i don't see
your flag
or your ballot;
i don't see
the words you shared
pastored over peoples
whipped into their ears
with a silver tongue
served on a silver spoon-
i don't see a wolf's wisdom bloom.

all i see
are crooked teeth
swollen eyes
cut up elbows
calloused palm lines
colored skin
men and women
all different languages.
they aren't scribes
and they aren't wise
but they are desperate
to have brand new eyes
to look upon your glory
and to see your radiant mercies.

“And the Lord’s servant
must not be quarrelsome
but kind to everyone,
able to teach,
patiently enduring evil,
correcting his opponents with
gentleness”

Why is it
That passion,
Anger- named zeal-,
Rebuke
Reproach,
And doom
Fill the tongue
Of those
Called to be
Peace-
Do you praise the one who cut off the ear
Do you praise those who would not hammer their swords to plowshares
Do you praise those who slaughtered men for their god
Do you praise those who use guns to silence their oppressors-
Is there no understanding?
Is there only passion?
Is there no Holy Spirit?
What fruit is born from your actions?
-
We were not called to destroy, but to be destroyed
We were not called to hate, but to be hated
Not to be loved, but to love-
Do we understand what it means to take up a cross
Can we patiently endure evil
Or must we destroy all evil
And evil doers-
Do we relish in our fallen enemies?
Do you find comfort that evil people go hell?
Do you enjoy their suffering
While never having suffered yourself-

May
The
Light
Pierce
Through
Every
Dark
Secret
Corner
And
Precious
Conviction
We
Try
To
Ignore
-
May
We
Change-
Be
Made
New-
Be
Better
Than
Before.

turn
close the wooden door
take a look around
exhale out some more-
burn
let anger be restored
let out all your bitterness
as a complaint of love now poor
-
“People walked away”
“They never cared enough”
“Someone always hurts us”
“I guess that wasn’t love”
Never taking into consideration
The walls you’ve been putting up,
How you never made much an effort,
And how your always giving up-

Give up if you really want to
But don’t blame me for never reaching out;
I’d dive into hell just to say I love you-

you’d probably ignore the sound

Not for an emotional counterattack
Not for wrath or vengeance
Not out of spite,
Nor for a hateful message;
But today I realized-
Unlike before in time-
That I cannot keep reaching
To make sure you are mine;

Why must I try so hard every time,
Why am I poisoned to love-
I don’t know why.