seems like
the
best
idea.

I'm not
going
anywhere,
and I'm
a fool
for
trying
every
****
day.

As your fingertips traced my freckles into constellations, I wished I could have loved you, instead.

If it's so easy to be bad
why don't I feel good?

I'm the dust caught in the wind
Another raindrop upon your skin.
All the words that you couldn't say,
Another scar that I can't erase.
It's not the same, no, it's nothing like the past,
I can't help myself from always looking back.
I wanna live again in those better days,
I swear I can't stand how time makes everything change.

I guess this is to the past,
I guess this is to growing up,
Those were the best summers I ever had,
Now it feels like it's closing the door on us.
Where will you be when I need you "now"?
how will you be able to hear me call your name?
Can't you feel me reaching out?
I'll do anything to make you stay.

Here you go again ,  kissing my face
holding me in your hands, closer
we've been here a million times,
yet we just barely met in this life
tho your laugh rings through me
all i can think about is how perfect
your kisses go with this song,
and that one. albums lying by the bed
when the rain washes me clean
youre there, shaking in our thunder
quivering, my body, holding you

Looking at a very sweet couple
"I wish that is me"
Looking at a beautiful woman
"I wish I am as beautiful as her"
Looking at a happy family
"I wish that one is mine"

For every beautiful thing I see
My heart would feel touched and ached
Wanted those moments I saw to be mine

Looking at myself standing in the mirror
"I wish I can be less envy and just appreciate what I have now"

Are you even capable of such feelings?
When you inhale
You pull the life right out of me
And I’m left, alone
Waiting*
Exhale

Someone asked me the other day
If I knew you.
A million replies shot through my head,
But the one that came out of my mouth
Was, "No, not anymore."
At first I thought this was a straight up lie,
But as I started to turn away
And move on to something else,
I realized it wasn't.

I don't know you anymore.
I can't remember what your face looks like.
That might have something to do with
The fact that I try to avoid
All photos of you.
Actually, I avoid anything
That might send a memory of you
Flashing across my eyelids.
I'm wary of sleeping again
Because I don't want to dream of you.
I've stopped listening to country music
Because the emotions it evokes from me
Remind me of the times I was with you.
I've stopped playing my guitar and violin
Because I was happiest
Playing them for you.
I've stopped living because without you,
It's just not good enough.
You told me that you'd never leave,
That no matter what our relationship
Eventually looked like
You'd always be my family.
But you did leave,
And I don't have a family.
I've been wallowing in
That for months now.
Bemoaning my loss.
Not exactly grieving,
For to grieve involves
Facing certain things and
Deciding to let them go and move on.
No,
I have been wallowing in a hole of self-pity.
And it's rather disgusting.
Covered with the mud and
**** that is my life.
No wonder people don't want
Long-term relationships with me.
I'm broken and not worth their time
Or energy or life.

I've got to face the music now.
I've got to decide to stand up,
Wash myself off, and leave
This somewhat
Comfortable-only-because-it's-familiar hole.
And I think that I've somewhat
Begun to do that.
I mean, how else could I have said
"No, not anymore"
And meant it.
It's a good thing
I don't know you anymore.
You were part of my past.
But you were also someone
Who kept me in that hole.
And even though
A part of my heart loved you,
I don't want that hole to be my life.

So I'm standing up for myself now.
I'm washing myself off.
And this time, I'm doing the walking away.
From now on, when someone asks me
if I know you,
I think I'll continue to reply,

*"No, not anymore."