We are the same
But different
Made up of the same parts
Yet unique
In our different pieces
And when we crumble
We crumble differently

With blood for ink
I write
Until I'm drained
And then
The epilogues follow

This is the story of my life.

And if you think
that finding true love,
and keeping it,
is the hardest thing you've ever done,

try losing it.

I once had an acquaintance
Who lived like their world
Only had days
Devoid of shadows
And the nights were sparse
So that everything they touched,
Felt and breathed
Was buried in positivity
And love and light.

Take for example
If a meteorite
Was to fall right in front of them
They'd probably say
"oh what a disaster
The world is ending
It can't be helped
We did our best"
And then
They would just laugh
Like they have forever conquered
Despair.

I could never understand it
I couldn't stand it
But I respected it
As much as I despised it

We build walls around us and call it home
And why not, that's where we feel safe and secure
But we struggle when the facade fades
And feel alone and why not
A wall around us is still a wall
And while we sometimes act like home is a decision
It's more than safety and comfort
It's about community,
About risks and risk taking
Without which we could never experience the adventure that is life

Sometimes I want
To be a Sheep;
Spend all day eating
And sleeping –
And "oh but they die"
Isn't a great retort
If you aren't immortal

When it comes to love
Experience isn't the teacher
People are
And they force feed you
With lessons – I'm tired
Of learning
For once
I just want to love
Without the lessons

You are my light
You illuminate my existence

Take it from me
I've been to hell and back
The ghost of the choices
I made in the past
Come haunting
My dreams, day and night
Taunting
Unrelenting
Even as I wallowed  
In utter contentment
How could I not be
When all I've known
Is the dark


Take it from me
The only thing that's positive
About the dark
Is how much it helps you
Appreciate the light
Never again opting
For the dead
Among the living

You are my light,
The way your soul reflects upon mine
Drying up my fears
Giving meaning to my living -

- You illuminate my existence.

One of the most consistent lessons
I've learnt
With life and living is that
There are a couple
More things that are
As certain
As constant
As change;

The sun will always come up
And people will always let you down

I look at you sometimes and
Wonder how you feel so
Surreal but
So real to me

I'm in love

I have written a lot
Of things about love

Love is simple; it's humans
That are complicated

Love is a kind of ******
Of self for another

Love doesn't take a push
It happens, despite you

Love is regret; about choices
We make and don't

I've finally come
To the realisation that
Love is all of these and more
That
Love is a lot of things
But the picture of perfect
That
Love is all we make of it
And don't.

I want to grow old with you, but never grow up; finding laughter in the mundane - and never doubting the existence of magic and fairytales. What are we if not magic? What is our story if not a fairytale?

I have written a lot
Of things about love
But I’m just learning, at 30
That it is a lot of things
But the picture of perfect;
What even in the world is?

You are the closest
I've felt to heaven
And I'm baptised by
Your undying love
Can you let me worship at the feet
Of your majesty?

On first glance
You took my breath away
I should have seen the signs
Otherwise
How did we go
From the times where
You were my breathing space
To days that feel like
I'm in space

Suffocating

And if you speak to me about hell
I will tell you and I will say
I've been there,
Hell,
I was born there.

And if you ask me how I know for sure
I will tell you and I will say
All the demons are here
Hell,
There's more than one devil too

Hell is here
Hell is home.

Just how long
Did it take you to learn the reality
That
The sky doesn't turn black
The sun doesn't stop giving light
And it's you that's moving
Around the equator of life
It's just how nature will have it
Does that make it more acceptable?

As we travel the path of life
Dawn is assured
No matter how long
The dark of the night lingers
And no one person
Is a monopoly of
Good and bad days
It's just how nature will have it

I hate it here, she started
I hate it everywhere
I'd like to seize
To exist as a human - as if
We were ever given that option
I think to myself - I'd rather be
The clouds or the wind
She continues

Wind. I interject
I like the wind
Moving as I wish
Never a dull moment
Throwing down a few silly kids
Who don't give a **** anyway;
I add for comic relief.
I'd never imagine you as the wind
I say,
Why not? Ash asks - making a playful face - Well,
You look like you can handle your storms
and sunny days
Never the kind to be bothered

Haha, Ash laughs
I think the clouds have
A magical wonder to them
Sitting pretty
Chilling all day
Only stressed when it rains or thunderstorms
And still come out even prettier
When it all passes
But you, you will definitely pass for the wind.

At night
I dread the empty space
On my bed
That you left
But Dawn
Comes with a reminder
Of the dread
That your existence
Assured

I used to wake up sweating
On cold winter nights
From nightmares
Of demons past
Then you came
And my dreams returned
Of flowers and beautiful endings
You promised they would last
Then you left
And I fell apart
In a sea of questions
How did My saving grace
Become my sleepless nights?
How can you take away my nightmare
And replace it with another?

My grandma
Always had a way
with words
She once said to me
Child,
Don't go proving love
With words
It is not a thing that's hidden
It is clear as day.
Love may be blind
But you aren't
And neither is she.

... And when
They promise you forever
Don't overthink it.

Forever is a second,
an hour and a day.

Forever is until it ends.

So,

Cherish every moment.

I've never claimed
To be the kind of strong-
Who stands
In the face of someone
That has caused them pain
And asks, why?
Why do I hurt?
And why are you the source?

Spent a lot of time at Dawn
staring at the mirror.
Sometimes that's all it takes
to attain self recognition,
at least enough to whisper to myself -
You are enough.
Broken, but enough still.
And so I say it
over and again
Until I begin to believe it too

Ever had
The kind of heartbreak
That makes you
Say a prayer
Dear God,
Stop my heart
Or replace it?

As well watered soil
Is to growing plants
A broken heart
Is the perfect condition
For the best
Of my poetry.

Love is a fickle thing
Forever is a myth
Love, forever
Is a promise birthed
To die

There a couple of things
I'm torn about
And they hark on my senses
Like, all the time
Even now as I write

I'm allowed to fail
I am
And bad days are normal
They are

These aren't excuses
Not to try to succeed
They are facts
That we constantly have
To contend with

It's the sort of thing I need
Framed,
On my bedroom wall
That to fail is normal
And bad days are allowed

If you hear me speak of home,
It is of a place small and tidy:
A desk of half-a-dozen half-read books,
Of neutral colored sheets and cottons,
Of a barely drunk can of water,
Just beside empty cans of cider
Of a mostly empty bed,
My PlayStation and my workstation
A place where my comfort
Is not up for negotiation

Everyone talks about
Love and its effects on them
For some, love has made blind
For others, it's the euphoria
For me, it's something unusual
It's made me eat more
And not in the stress eating kind of way
Loving you triggers my hunger hormones
But it's not just the food I want to eat

On some days
You make me
Regret
Ever loving you

Yet,
Every other day
It becomes clearer
That losing you
Would be my biggest
Regret

I know which one
I can live with

Years and years
Of living
Through the many
Versions of love
Has taught me
That, Love,
If true,
Is light
And no one
That has it to give
Hides it under a bushel
Left to the imagination
Of the one
It was meant for

That love, is loud
It was created
To be seen,
Heard
As much as it is felt.

It's taken me years
Of writing and reading,
Living,
Giving and receiving,
Love
To realise;
Love is simple
It's humans
That are complicated

In this moment
I hate you
So much
Yet why
Do I miss you
So much more?

Love is a verb
More than just
A thought
Best seen
In every day actions
Not in the gestures
Far and few between
A feeling
Best shown
Than said
So
No matter how much
Someone tells you
They love you
Pause
Listen
What do their actions say?

Flushed
Cheeks,
and all things face and pale
Butterflies
Stomach,
and places they have no business breeding
Racing
Heart,
but no ones chasing
Laughter
Loud,
but the joke was missing
Beauty
Eyes,
yet I'm blind, I wasn't even looking.

Love
Makes me feel and see
The things that aren't there
And amplifies
the things that are

And I absolutely surrender
to it's utter violence.

Invest
Don't invest
Invest
Don't invest
Thoughts
Like a pendulum
Self-pity
Why do we lose people
We have given everything for
Anger
Not going to happen again
I'm done giving value
To people
who only value themselves
Grief
My heart's dressed
In black, I imagine
Mourning all the time spent
Giving away much of me
To someone who would one day say,
thank you, but I didn't ask you to
Acceptance
That there's nothing abnormal about people leaving
It's when they stay
That's a miracle
People leave, people always leave
And those left behind
Are left to pick up the pieces
Of lessons learnt
Distrust,
Hearts, buried in Ice
A Normal response
To a normal life event
A growth process even

Never to invest, ever again
Loss made me do it
Loss made me this way

I love you
And so
I miss you
But you?
You only love me
When you miss me

Music is my life map
to the past
and the future.

A song comes on,
its rhythm
taking me back
to several moments
and memories,
some; I wish gone,
most; I want to relive.

Another comes on
Filling me
with dreams
of the future,
memories,
I wish to make;
the things,
I hope to feel.

A rhythmic reminder
to live;
Life itself

Time,
Everyone says
Is on my side
And will heal my wounds.
But
Time,
No one bothers to say,
Has no face
And no friends
But denial and regret;
The faces I see on each shoulder
Everytime I look
In the mirror

You know
Love is a crazy thing
Each time I'm roped in
I become a better version of myself
I've only been in love 3 times
The first taught me empathy
A deeper kind of feeling
An Understanding of oneself beyond pity
The second taught me patience
Not the enduring kind
But the type
that has made me who I am today
But with you
I've learnt to love myself
A feeling I thought of
as an inbuilt transient sensation
And one I now find most important
You see
It's saved my life countless times

I don't plan on falling
For someone different everytime
Just so I can learn
So
I just need to
keep on finding ways
To fall in love with you
Over and again

Who knows what else I will find

I had a really bad argument
with my other half today
And in the middle if it
she said,
Angrily
I hope
"I know we love each other,
but love is not enough"

A statement which I found so strange

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs."

Love is anything but not enough

Even the Holy book agrees

When I was a child
I saw dark clouds gathering
For the first time in my life
On a hot afternoon
Shielding me
From the sun's unforgiving heat
I thought it so beautiful
And a miracle
Even though seconds later
The rains came
And the thunder too

Now an adult
The only dark cloud I see
Is you
Dark
Beautiful
A miracle even
But with as much rain
maybe; even more thunder

How long did it take
For you to realise
The only demons
That were real
Were the ones
Within you.

I've never claimed
to be the kind of strong-
Who stands
in the face of someone
That has caused them pain
And asks, why?
Why do I hurt?
And why are you the source?

All my life,
I've only known
how to withdraw from pain
Like hand to fire
Burnt
but not scorched
Hurting
But hopefully not for long
And that's why I disappear

Smiles exist in spectrums

Take for example
The loving smile of my baby girl
as she babbles beautifully
in gibber, ish

The knowing smile of my gran
as she speaks
in nods, ish

The former
because she's not seen anything yet
The Latter
because she's seen everything there is

When I was younger I thought
Love is like dying
The kind of feeling
That had me without control
Of what comes next

And so I let myself
fall for you
Fatally
And others after you
Six feet and more

The best kind they say
is when you fall
Together
Same depth
Common in our uncertainty
But is that ever the case?

No one tells you these things
But if experience is to go by
Each time
You resurrect
It's Less of who you were
And more
Of who you think
You should be

Less vulnerable
But wanting more of another
To complete
what's left of you

Love isn't death
I've learnt
Now a zombie
Still falling
But enough to stand again
Until I can stand no more

... YOU ARE
THE SHOOTING STAR,
YOU MAKE IT POSSIBLE
FOR ME TO WISH

YET STILL
THE ONLY WISH
I WANT TO MAKE
IS YOU

I spend
the greater part
of my sleepless nights
wondering why I persist
in trails
that promise me pain
and give up
at the slightest shove
on the road
to pleasurable experiences