I am not a writer, I 'm a prisoner in my head,                                              
                                                                ­                                          
compelled to think, to write, what is being said                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                
Feeling too much, it comes pouring out of me.                                          
                                                                ­                                            
bleeding onto pages, demons exorcised from me

I wish I could see you                                                                                       wish you could see me                                                               ­                           One last time before you                                                              ­                     left me for an eternity                                                         ­                                   I miss your smiling face                                                             ­                        the love you gave freely                                                           ­                              I wish there was a place                                                            ­                         that you and I could meet                                                             ­                         I still feel you around me                                                               ­                 like it was yesterday                                                        ­                      Your aura surrounds me                                                               ­                        and leads me the right way                                                              ­                     I still catch myself trying                                                           ­                          to make you proud of me                                                               ­                  and when I feel like crying                                                           ­                    thoughts of you are comforting                                                       ­                          I know that someday                                                          ­                      I will see you once again                                                       ­                  but  until that day                                                              ­                                   nothing will be as it had been

I could never please you, God knows that I've tried                                                            ­                                                 
    My efforts have amused you, so many nights I cried                                                            ­                                            
Every time I got up, you knocked me back down                                                             ­                                           
Now that I have had enough, I'm knocking off your crown

We are living together yet falling apart.                                                           ­       
                                                                ­                                                      
the word forever isn't written in our stars                                                          
 ­                                                                 ­                                        
Heartache is the only thing that we share,                                          
                ­                                                                 ­                                   
now nothing matters & no one cares                                                            ­    
                                                            ­                                                                I take from you, you take from me,                                                          
                                                                ­                                              
hurting each other deliberately                                                     ­                 
                                                                ­                                                        
So far gone we don't care to see,                                                             ­                 
                                                                ­                                                      
I'm killing you & you're killing me                                                               ­   
                                                                ­                                                  
You push my buttons & I push yours                                                            ­      
                                                                ­                                                    
so many times, we stopped keeping score                                                        
   ­                                                                 ­                                                  
  I keep on threatening to walk out that door,                                                      
                                                                ­                                            
you're screaming at me; I can't take anymore"                                                         ­                           
                                                                ­                                                      
I am ashamed of what we have become,                                                
         ­                                                                 ­                                            
but I have the sense to know we are done                                                        
                                                                ­                                            
Broken hearted, I'm standing my ground,                                                        
 ­                                                                 ­                                                
you are someone I can't be around                                                          
                                                                ­                                                      
I detach myself & I wrestle free,                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                                      
  I got away, a small victory

You're cold & callous, a mega *****                                                            ­        
                                                        ­                                                          
and that's not even the half of it                                                               ­                                                
                                                                ­                                                
hope you get what's coming to you                                                              ­                          
                                      ­                                                                 ­               
but that is not for me to do                                                               ­             
                                                                ­                                                  
You'll hang yourself when you're through                                          
               ­                                                                 ­                                        
and I don't feel sorry for you                                                              ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­   
What you put out, you take back in                                                               ­   
                                                             ­                                                         
and you'll be punished for your sins                                                             ­           
                                                                ­                                                    
So, while you're laughing at my pain,                                                            ­    
                                                            ­                                                          
I take comfort in what I've gained,                                                    
                                                                ­                                              
some insight into your black heart                                                      
                                                                ­                                                  
and a front row seat to you falling apart                                                      
     ­                                                                 ­                                            
Yes, I thought you were a friend                                                           ­         
                                                       ­                                                            
 but in time, my heart will mend                                                             ­               
                                                                ­                                                    
I'll put to use to what I've learned,                                                         ­     
                                                                ­                                                  
that some people want to watch you burn                                                             ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­          
That smirk you have on your face,                                                    
                                                                ­                                                  
will be the first thing that gets erased,                                                          ­                                                                 ­   
whenever the Devil collects his due,                                              
              ­                                                                 ­                                   
you will have hell to answer to

You have broken me, torn me apart                                                      
Put me on my knees and ripped out my heart                                                            ­              
You've caused great pain, sheer agony                                                          
You'll do it again, because you love me                                                          
You've stretched me thin; you've worn me out                                                              ­          
Gotten under my skin, made me scream out loud                                          
Twisted my memories, inflicted total misery                                                      
******  with my mind, because you love me                                                          
You bared your teeth, then bled me dry                                                              ­
****** me like a leech, I'm empty inside                                                           ­       
Made me swallow what was left of my pride                                                    
turned me into someone I despise, because you love me

''How are you doing today?''                                                         ­       sad  and depressed I want to say                                                              ­         but instead I mask up, so they can see                                                              ­ a picture from a fashion magazine                                                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                   I straighten my back and stand tall,                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­  not even sure I can pull it off                                                              ­               a pasted smile on my face                                                             ­                      as I lean in for an awkward embrace                                                         during this time, you talk to me                                                                  ­                                                                 ­                                                                unaware of my anxiety                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                             My eyes scan the room to see,                                                             ­        where's the nearest exit between you & me                                                               ­                                                                 ­                                                               You go on & on, it never ends,                                                            ­        you're touching me like a long lost friend                                                  I excuse myself to the ladies                                                           ­                      look behind to see if you see me                                                                    then I run out trying to breathe,                                                         ­          hoping no door alarm's telling on me                                                              As soon as the cool night  air welcomes me                                                         I run until I am home safely

I am giving what I get,                                                             ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­          
                                                                ­                                                        
I am keeping all my best,                                                            ­                                                
                ­                                                                 ­                                     
See if you can pass the test                                                             ­       
                                                         ­                                                         
when you're left with all the rest,                                                            ­                                            

                                                                 ­                                                      
  I am treating you like ****                                                         
   ­                                                                 ­                                            
  then delivering another
hit                                                              ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­         
See how you deal with it                                                               ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­
when the tides start to shift                                                            ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­ 
Feel me start to pull away,                                                            ­              
                                                                ­                                              
ignore you more everyday                                                         ­                       
                                         ­                                                                 ­      
don't care what you have to say                                                              ­  
                                                              ­                                          
Convince you everything's okay                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                  
Act like I can't understand,                                                      ­            
                                                    ­                                                              
pull that, here we go
again                                                            ­                  
                                                                ­                                              
Stomp my feet, make demands                                                          ­        
                                                                ­                                      
Embarrass you because I
can                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                                
  Put you down so
publicly,                                                        ­                        
                                        ­                                                                 ­ 
  Control you so
  insultingly                                                   ­                             
                                                                ­                                                
Hear I love you & don't repeat,                                                          ­
                                                                ­                                                 
  it's time you felt more like me

In the heat of the moment, you want to break their heart                                                            ­                                                             Every word said is meant to break their heart                                                            ­                                                         Words are thrown like knives, aimed at their self-esteem                                                      ­                                                                A fight for who's right ,a dramatic scene                                                            ­                                                          Tempers  are boiling, about to reach its peak                                                             ­                                                           tears spill down hot flushed cheeks                                                           ­        A free for all to win ,if it hurts you lose                                                         take all that pain within and tighten the noose                                                  While all this goes down, your hatred's running free                                and  you forget that what goes around comes  back times three

You that never loved, let me show you how                                                              ­                  
You who never laughs, laugh out loud now                                                        
You have a smile that never is shown                                                            ­                
Let it all happen now, you are loved, you know                                                            
You with tears in your eyes, dry them up,                                                          
You with your pain, have suffered enough                                                           ­                   
You with the weight of loss & agony                                                            ­  
Let it all go you deserve to be happy

Watching you skating on the ice,                                                             ­         
                                                       ­                                                            
    figure eights, so perfect, so
concise,                                                         ­       
                                                         ­                                                               
ice crystals sparkle, diamonds in the
night                                                            ­                                
                                                                ­                                                        
as your dark hair reflects the pale
moonlight                                                        ­        
                                                        ­                                                              
You are unaware that I am watching
you,                                                          
                                                                ­                                                        
as you concentrate on every
move                                                             ­       
                                                         ­                                                             
From where I am, you're doing
perfectly,                                                       ­                             
                                   ­                                                                 ­              
the only thing you're missing out there is
me                                                               ­                       
                                                                ­                                            
Woolen scarf in light green &
blue                                                             ­                   
                                                                ­                                          
  covers your face but not the
view                                                            
                                                                ­                                                        
I love to watch you spin so freely                                                           ­ 
                                                                ­                                                      
a snow globe, living & breathing                                                        ­  
                                                                ­                                                  
  You push your bangs from your
eyes                                                             ­     
                                                           ­                                                           
as you smile up at me from the
ice                                                              ­                                          
                      ­                                                                 ­                 
Mittened hand raised as you say
'hi''                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                                    
an invitation, and nice
surprise                                                        ­                                                                 ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­          
I walk out slowly and try not to fall
down                                                        
                                                                ­                                                  
lose my footing and hit the ground                                                           ­                                   
                                                                 ­                                               
Here you come, worry etched on your
face,                                                        
                                                                ­                                                        
We start to laugh at all my
disgrace                                                         ­           
                                                     ­                                                             
You reach for me as I struggle to get
up,                                                      
       ­                                                                 ­                                             
 in your eyes, I hope I can find love

I deserve an Academy Award,                                                           ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­      
my performance should receive an encore                                                           ­                   
                                                                ­                                                          
because I can smile, act & pretend                                                          ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­         
that I love this life that I am living                                                           ­             
                                                   ­                                                         
Juggling to keep the ***** in the air,                                                          
  ­                                                                 ­                                                 
take it on the chin like I have no cares                                                            ­      
                                                          ­                                                        
  I've been doing it for so **** long,                                                            ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­         
in the background, they're playing my song                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                    
Taking my bows at the days end,                                                             ­         
                                                       ­                                                                 ­  
go to sleep & then do it all over again                                                            ­          
                                                      ­                                                        
When the curtains close, I fall apart,                                                           ­       
                                                                ­                                          
splinters of glass in my scarred heart                                                            ­          
                                                      ­                                                        
  Inside­ my tears are falling like rain                                                             ­                       
                                                                ­                                                  
  but the old stains still remain                                                           ­                                     
                                                                ­                                                        
I just want to be who I am,                                                              ­                                                            
                                                                ­                                                  
not this aging super
woman                                                            ­            
                                                                ­                                                  
and still have people love me for me,                                                              ­      
                                                                ­                                              
warts & all, unconditionally                                                  ­                                          
                      ­                                                                 ­                                 
I know I can't just fall apart                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                          
without someone playing my part                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                
Keep the family together for me,                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                      
someone to take on the responsibility

I watched her fall apart,                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                
felt the breaking of her
heart,                                                           ­                                 
                                                                ­                                                    
saw the life in her
eyes,                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                        
                                                                ­                                                        
go dimmer then fade &
die                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                              
Wiped away so many
tears,                                                           ­                                       
                                                                ­                                          
held her through all her
fears,                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                         
                                                                ­                                          
comforted her when she was
alone                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                                
tried to soften her heart of
stone                                                            ­        
                                                                ­                                                        
  I wish she would have known,                                                           ­   
                                                             ­                                                       
that we all hurt as we
grow                                                             ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­          
  I didn't see all the fine
  cracks,                                                       ­                         
                                                                ­                                                        
 I didn't know all the facts                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                            
Fragile as a porcelain doll,                                                            ­                        
                                        ­                                                                 ­         
she managed to weather it all                                                              ­                      
                                                                ­                                                  
She never thought she was strong,                                                          ­      
                                                                ­                                                  
but she was so very wrong                                                            ­              
                                                                ­                                                  
  You may wonder, who is she?                                                             ­   
                                                                ­                                                  
  The answer is, she used to be me

It feels like you're adrift at
sea,                                                             ­                   
                                                                ­                                                
where you have spent an eternity,                                                        ­
                                                                ­                                                    
with no one to cling to but
me                                                               ­                       
                                                                ­                                                      
and it's slowly drowning
me                                                               ­                     
                                           ­                                               
 Splashing, crashing far from
shore                                                            ­          
                                                      ­                                                        
I've been the boat and you're the oars                                                             ­   
                                                                ­                                                    
that you have thrown in
carelessly                                                       ­         
                                                                                                  ­              
because it's easier to be here
with me                                                          ­            
                                                                ­                                                        
Eyes closed underwater you can't
see                                                              ­
                                                                ­                                          
through the sea of uncertainty                      
                               ­                                                                 ­                   
You cling to me, catch your breath,                                                          ­                                                    
pushing me close to my own
death                                                            ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­ 
still can't live with your
regrets                                                          ­              
                                                  ­                                                              
can't stand on the shore just yet

You breathed life into my heart when it was deflated,                                          
             ­                                                                 ­                                        
you changed my mind even after it was jaded                                                            ­            
                                                    ­                                                              
You gave me a reason to get up every day                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                                 ­   
and you showed me love all along the way                                                              ­
                                                                ­                                                      
You taught me how to laugh & be
myself,                                                          ­          
                                                      ­                                                                
­ you showed me the way out of my shell                                                            ­                                                                 ­           
                                                     ­                                                           
Who am I kidding? you changed everything                                                       ­ 
                                                                ­                                              
When I'm with you I feel like a queen                                                            ­    
                                                                ­                                              
  Before you I was alive but not living,                                                    
     ­                                                                 ­                                      
  you've accepted me since the beginning                                                        ­        
                                                                ­                                              
   When I feel down, you lift me up                                                            
                                                                ­                                                  
  and shower me with beautiful love                                                             ­ 
                                                               ­                                                                 ­
I often wonder where I would be                                                               ­           
                                                     ­                                                                 ­  
if you had never loved me

Years of words unspoken between you and me,                                                              ­      
                                                                ­                                                      
has caused a lot of tension and instability                                                      ­        
                                                                ­                                                               Hidden anger and resentment drove us apart,                                            
              ­                                                                 ­                                       
  just like the hatred we have in our hearts                                                    
                                                                ­                                                      
We both know it's over, but no move is made,                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                    
how much more is sacrificed before the price is paid                                                             ­               
                                                 ­                                                                 ­
We continue together but broken in two,                                                          
                                                                ­                                        
unwilling to give up on me and on you                                                              ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­ 
We both push each other to be the one to give in,                        
                                                                ­                                              
seeing who will break and who will
bend                                                          
                                                                ­                                                    
So busy pointing fingers and not holding hands,                                                           ­       
                                                         ­                                                           
we throw out blows and hope they land                                                        
                                                                ­                                            
There's so much **** water under the bridge,                                                          ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­       
  as we stand together out on the ledge                                                            ­      
                                                                ­                                                  
  The only time we come together is to destruct                                                      
                                                                ­                                                  
  the very thing we once loved so much

Go ahead and point your finger at
me,                                                              ­    
                                                            ­                                                            
   I only reflect your own
insecurities                                                    ­                                                        
        ­                                                                 ­                                             
Call me the names that cause you
fear,                                                            ­                              
                                                                ­                                                  
afraid of what you don't want to
hear                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                  
Gang up on me with your group of
friends,                                                         ­ 
                                                                ­                                            
worrying that they'll turn on you in the
end                                                            
                                                                ­                                        
Persecute me & deflect from the
truth                                                        
   ­                                                                 ­                                    
convince them that you have some
proof                                                      
     ­                                                                 ­                                        
Mock how I'm comfortable in my
skin,                                                            ­                              
                                  ­                                                                 ­             
as you fight the torture from  
within                                                           ­ 
                                                               ­                                                         
I know you hate admiring me the
most                                                             ­   
                                                                ­                                                
you're in the shadows, I am your
ghost                                                      
                                                                ­                                               
  While you are taking turns hurting
  me,                                                          
­                                                                 ­                                     
remember I am who you want to be

Standing on the front porch on a hot summer's day,                                                             ­                     
                                           ­                                                                 ­
pregnant & barefoot, you chose to walk away                                                  
                                                                ­                                            
Standing in a pool of freshly cried tears,                                                           ­ 
                                                                ­                                              
enabled me to regret loving you for years                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                        
As your tires kicked up asphalt & dirt,                                                        
   ­                                                                 ­                                                    
                                                                ­                                                  
I was busy calling you a liar & a ****                                                             ­             
                                                   ­                                                                 ­    
I swore after that day I would be strong                                                           ­ 
                                                                ­                                                      
and my grieving time wouldn't be long                                                        
    ­                                                                 ­                                                 
I had our baby two months after you'd gone                                              
              ­                                                                 ­                                 
with him by my side, I was never alone                                                        
   ­                                                                 ­                                              
He was beautiful & you'd never know                                                      
      ­                                                                 ­                                   
because you weren't there to see him grow                                            
                ­                                                                 ­                                     
I never told him his daddy's name                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                      
I didn't want rejection to bring him shame                                                  
                                                                ­                                                  
So, I just loved him for the both of us,                                                            
 ­                                                                 ­                                                    
and always let him know that he could trust                                                          
                                                                ­                                                      
I know that you were trying to punish me                                                
                                                                ­                                                  
but I was the one doing the punishing                                                  
                                                                ­                                                          
I got years of his unconditional love,                                                            ­  
                                                              ­                                                    
not once were you mentioned or even thought of                                        
                      ­                                                                 ­                             
Now that you've grown into an old man                                                              ­              
                                                  ­                                                               
 and his life turned out better than you planned                                                      
   ­                                                                 ­                                                  
I don't feel bad that you are all
alone                                                          
                                                                ­                                                     
it's just a shame that your son is now grown

I closed my eyes, held my hands up high,                                                            ­                                                      asked the Lord to stay by my side                                                             ­         I  am in pain and I can't decide                                                                  ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­what to do no matter how hard I try,                                                           ­                                                                                                             ­                  gave him all of my guilt and sorrow                                                           ­         asked for peace for a better tomorrow                                                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                  asked him to fill me with his bright white light                                                                  ­                                                                 ­     prayed he would watch over me at night                                                            ­                                                                I sat like that for a long time,                                                                              ­        easing the strain  of my troubled mind                                                       I felt peace wash over me                                                               ­              cleansing my pain, my anxiety                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                                   When life's problems are too much to bear                                                 hold up your hands, he'll be there                                                     holding your hand, giving you strength,                                                        ­  all of God's love,  within an arm's length

I've been going home for years & years,                                                           ­                                               
                                                                ­                                                      
and every time it brings me to tears                                                            ­                                          
                      ­                                                                 ­                               
but it gives me the strength to go on                                                               ­   
                                                                ­                                                   
 even though no one is longer home                                                             ­               
                                                 ­                                                         
  Memories around every corner lies,                                                            ­              
                                                  ­                                                                 ­     
it's so hard to leave it all behind,                                                          ­        
                                                                ­                                                    
can't stay away, God knows I've tried,                                                           ­       
                                                         ­                                                   
thoughts of family make me cry                                                              ­                
                                                ­                                                        
They're gone but their spirits linger on                                                              
­                                                                 ­                                                
   and they keep calling me back home

Something in me has changed,                                                         ­                     
                                           ­                                                                 ­                   feelings have been rearranged                                                       ­                                 
                                                                ­                                            
Thought processes shifting,                                                        ­            
                                                                ­                                                      
I'm full of wishful thinking                                                         ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­                
I've become happy and content,                                                         ­                       
                                         ­                                                                 ­    
blessed, everything's heaven sent                                                             ­             
                                                   ­                                                                 ­    
A smile keeps creeping up on me,                                                              ­                                
                                                                 ­                                             
covering where a frown used to be                                                               ­   
                                                                ­                                                  
The sun has never been brighter,                                                        ­                                          
                                                                ­                                                  
my mood has never been lighter                                                          ­          
                                                                ­                                                        
I want to sing and laugh out loud,                                                            ­    
                                                                ­                                                
catch a ride on a floating cloud                                                            ­    
                                                            ­                                                            
I am in my summer
season,                                                          ­                
                                                                ­                                            
shining brightly for no reason                                                           ­       
                                                                ­                                          
Soaking up this life with greed,                                                           ­     
                                                           ­                                                             
  I­ feel like I am complete

I guess we have both taken turns                                                            ­ dealing  with and receiving life's burns                                                           but there are some that have with no excuse                                            you've broken me with your abuse                                                                 An easy target, I was so insecure                                                         ­              I'd had more heartache than I could endure                                                       I thought I had found a soulmate in you                                                 not  someone who'd break my heart in two                                              Even though  it was never earned                                                           ­ I  received another scar from life's burns

How you rekindle a flame that's gone cold?                                                      
                                                                ­                                                        
                                                                ­                                                
  Play a bluff hand you know you should fold?                                                            ­          
                                                      ­                                                               
                                                                ­                                                
How do breathe life into a faded romance?                                                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                           
How do you know it's even worth the chance?                                                          ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­     
Do you move on & start love anew,                                                            ­            
                                                    ­                                                                 ­   
or be true to what your hearts telling you?                                                  
                                                                ­                                                    
How do you convince someone to try again,                                                  
                                                                ­                                                  
when it's hard to even remain being friends?                                                  
      ­                                                                 ­                                         
How do you go about making the first move,                              
                                                                ­                                              
when you know they will just reject you?                                                      
      ­                                                                 ­                                            
You can tell yourself, maybe they feel the same                                                
            ­                                                                 ­                                     
but if not, you're opening up for pain                                                  
                                                                ­                                                    
So, you wait & another day goes by,                                                              ­  
                                                                ­                                                  
do you harden your heart or even try?                                                          
                                                                ­                                                 
 The longer you wait, the harder it becomes                                                          ­            
                                                                ­                                                    
till your loves gone forever, it's all come undone

You possessed the rare ability                                                          ­           to  encourage me to embrace my fragility                                                        ­ to help repair the cracks in me                                                               ­      with your love like kintsugi                                                         ­                        Hairline fractures filled with dusted gold                                               bringing  beauty back tenfold                                                          ­            every flaw an experience                                                       ­                                a reflection of my resilience

You never said more than ten words to me                                                               ­                                                      and  that's just a **** tragedy                                                     ­                   You had a hard time showing your love                                                      made  me feel not good enough                                                           ­   You  never said I am proud of you                                                          so  I  stopped trying to prove  it to  you                                                          ­  You  ignored me most of my life                                                             ­      and that cut me like a knife                                                            ­       Old woman take a look at me                                                               ­   I'm  more than you'll ever be                                                               ­          Now I look at you with pity                                                             ­        I  didn't need you to validate me

I am cleansing my soul                                                             ­                        with every word I write                                                            ­                       Sins that have swallowed me whole                                                            ­feelings that I'm not quite right                                                            ­        Thoughts are spilling out of me                                                               ­      ones I've protected carefully                                                        ­               Words I have never said  out loud                                                             ­           Churn in me like a funnel cloud                                                            ­              I can confess anything I please                                                           ­          the only one who reads it is me

I think me and you would have been okay                                                             ­                                                                 ­                         until  you  let  your  ego get in the way                                      Playing  two  against one just isn't fair,                                                            ­       I  can't  believe I got out of that webbed snare                                                            ­                                                     where everything was a challenge, up for  debate                                                      ­                                         It  made  all of  my resentment turn into hate                                                             ­                                            I'm  so  glad I made my great escape                                                           ­             give  you both time to get you stories straight

I know the chances I
take                                                             ­                                             
                   ­                                                                 ­                                 
    and I can make
mistakes                                                         ­                                 
                                                                ­                                                      
but head on, no
brakes                                                           ­                       
                                         ­                                                                 ­              
  won't stop until I break                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                  
  Consequences are
paid,                                                            ­                    
                                                                ­                                                          
  I live with them every
  day                                                           ­                               
                                                                ­                                                        
I can't help myself,                                                          ­                  
                                                                ­                                                        
 I think I like it in
hell                                                             ­                       
                                                                ­                                                    
It's a fine line that I walk,                                                            ­                                        
                        ­                                                                 ­                               
I take credit and the fault                                                            ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­   
I'm sorry it affects you                                                              ­                      
                                                                ­                                                    
but after what I've been
through                                                          ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­           
It is the only way I know,                                                            ­                  
                                                                ­                                                    
it is a weight that I tow                                                              ­                            
                                                                ­                                                
This is all that I am,                                                              ­                            
                                    ­                                                                 ­             
just another lost human

The breeze is blowing gently                                                           ­          moving the grapes on the vines                                                            ­           The moon is shining brightly                                                         ­                    as you put your hand in mine                                                             ­             the  fireflies surround us                                                               ­              with  neon yellow lights                                                           ­                     and  I can't get enough of  you                                                          ­                on  this perfect night                                                            ­                         The  sweet smell of honeysuckle                                                      ­  lingers  in the warm night air                                                              ­              I  can feel my knees buckle                                                           ­         under the weight of your stare                                                            ­ The  crickets are trilling                                                         ­                          just for you and I                                                                ­                               My heart is beating wildly                                                           ­                 on  this perfect night

I am not getting any younger                                                          ­                                                                                                         ­                     but deep inside I still have a hunger                                                           ­      to live, love and dream                                                            ­                                  so many places to go                                                               ­                        so many people to know                                                             ­       with so much in between                                                          ­                     I don't want to live forever                                                                            and will never say never                                                            ­                        For only God knows my time                                                             ­                so no matter what you say                                                              ­        I'll cherish each day                                                              ­                             like it's the last day of my life

Show me innocence,                                                       ­                                 
                                                                ­                                                        
that I long to see                                                              ­                                              
                                                                ­                                                     
 The world is so tense,                                                           ­                         
                                       ­                                                                 ­               
it should find release                                                          ­                        
                                                                ­                                                
Escape into happy,                                                           ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­            
smile through the hurt,                                                            ­                                
                                                                ­                                              
make everything pretty,                                                          ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­   
don't think of the worst,                                                           ­                           
                                                                ­                                                        
look into the sunrise,                                                         ­                             
                                   ­                                                                 ­                    
take a cleansing breath,                                                          ­                        
                                        ­                                                                 ­     
laugh & don't cry,                                                             ­                                                 
               ­                                                                 ­                                    
let God handle the rest,                                                            ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­         
lie in the grass,                                                           ­                                         
                                                                ­                                              
cloud watch all day,                                                             ­                         
                                       ­                                                                 ­           
 eat sweets in
masses,                                                          ­                                
                                                                ­                                              
watch children play,                                                            ­                            
                                    ­                                                                 ­           
  visit a pet store,                                                           ­                                     
                           ­                                                                 ­                      
  and pet everyone.                                                        ­                                        
                        ­                                                                 ­                       
open your front door,                                                            ­                                        
                        ­                                                                 ­                           
  and let in the sun,                                                             ­                               
                                 ­                                                                 ­              
pick wildflowers,                                                     ­                                   
                             ­                                                                 ­                    
  eat an ice cream
  cone,                                                         ­                           
                                                                ­                                            
dawdle for hours                                                            ­                                  
                              ­                                                                 ­                   
and never go home,                                                            ­                                    
                            ­                                                                 ­                 
  climb an oak tree,                                                            ­                                
                                ­                                                                 ­               
walk barefoot outside,                                                         ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­            
  life can be easy,                                                            ­                                    
                            ­                                                                 ­                      
  take it all in stride

You want to scream out loud in your rage                                                             ­                                          
                                                                ­                                                 
Like a circus lion trapped in a cage  
                                                                ­                                         
  Someone should teach you how to behave                                                                        ­                                                 
 All the while you treat me like your slave                                                                    ­                                                
You are a dictator through & through                                                                          ­                               
I cannot help how much I hate you                                                              ­                                         
                       ­                                                                 ­                      
 What makes you do the things that you do           
                                           
And I am the one with the attitude?                                                        ­                                                       
 You throw affection like a dog's bone                                                                       ­                                              
Often enough so that I know I am owned                                                                            ­                         
With a noose hung around my neck                                                                         ­                                                
You pull on at times to keep me in check                                                            ­                                                          
You've­ had control of my entire life                                                                     ­                                              
I am a prisoner, I'm not your wife                                                                      ­                                    
 Let me go, please let me be free                                                                    ­                                                 
the way you love me is killing me

I've crawled through the ashes                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                  
 left behind by my downfall                                                         ­                                                                                                                      ­                                          
with knuckles made of brass                                                            ­                                        
                                                                ­                                            
 I fought and still stood
 tall                                                           ­                                     
                           ­                                                                 ­                          
You thought you destroyed
me                                                               ­             
                                                   ­                                                                 ­  
but I made it
through                                                          ­                        
                                        ­                                                                 ­           
  So don't ask for pity,                                                            ­                
                                                                ­                                                  
this revenge is for
you                                                              ­                            
                                                                ­                                                      
As my scars are barely
healing                                                         ­                                                                 ­        
                                                        ­                                                          
and my wounds remain undried                                                          ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­         
I am happy to be feeling,                                                         ­                   
                                             ­                                                                 ­    
that it's your turn to cry                                                              ­                                        
                        ­                                                                 ­                   
You've spent your life basking,                                                         ­                                                             
   ­                                                                 ­                                            
with the sun in your face                                                             ­           
                                                     ­                                                           
now it's your turn to be asking                                                           ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­              
for my mercy & grace                                                            ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­           
I want to see you broken,                                                          ­              
                                                                ­                                        
shattered & worn down,                                                            ­                
                                                                ­                                                    
it's just a little token                                                            ­                                
                                                                ­                                                             from the strength I 've
found                                                            ­              
                                                                ­                                                        
  I want you to beg
  me                                                            ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­           
to take you back again                                                            ­                                        
                                                                ­                                                      
  it will make me
  happy                                                         ­                                       
                                                                ­                                                      
to know you're suffering

These tears you see falling are my heart on my
sleeve,                                                    
     ­                                                                 ­                                                        I'm dying on the inside, but the outside is all you
  see                                                           ­         
                                                                ­                                                                 ­ 
   I can put on a fake smile that is your faulty
   reality,                                                        ­      
                                                                ­                                                        
  I can alter my perception of who you think is
    me                                      
                                                                ­                                                                 ­    I have all the things that make others happy                                     
                      ­                                                                 ­                       
  looking at my situation can fill someone with
jealousy                                                    ­                                                        
  but deep inside I'm broken where no one else can see,                      
                                                                ­                                                        
I hide the wounds by laughing to cover my
frailty                                
                                                                ­                                                    
  So many different experiences formed my personality,              
                                      ­                                                                 ­        
 some were good and some were just major tragedies                          
                                                                ­                                                        
I don't want to go back again, it's all too hard for
me                                                               ­       
                                                                ­                                                    
so, I put on a plastic smile and pretend just to be

Eventually has caught up with me,                                                              ­        
                                                                ­                                                        
it's come knocking at my
door                                                             ­                                   
                             ­                                                                 ­                      
Here to come and play with
me,                                                              ­              
                                                                ­                                                        
an admirable show of
force                                                            ­              
                                                  ­                                                                 ­     
As it laughs in my
face                                                             ­                                 
                                                                ­                                                
saying it can't be
ignored,                                                         ­                               
                                                                ­                                                        
I try to find my happy
place,                                                           ­                       
                                                                ­                                             
 where I used to hide
before                                                           ­                       
                                                                 ­                                             
Black eyes and bold, breathing
fire,                                                            ­          
                                                      ­                                                                 ­ 
  it rises up from
  beneath                                                       ­                               
                                 ­                                                                 ­      
Showing me my funeral
pyre                                                             ­                   
                                                                ­                                                  
  and challenging my
beliefs                                                          ­                          
                                                                ­                                                        
I knew it was looming
there,                                                           ­               
                                                                ­                                                        
I had sensed it many times                                                            ­                            
                                    ­                                                                 ­             
but until it showed, I
declared,                                                        ­                          
                                      ­                                                                 ­                 
I would live this life of
mine                                                             ­                 
                                                                ­                                                  
but now it's here,
threatening                                                      ­                      
                                                                ­                                                  
I'm defenseless in its
grip,                                                            ­                        
                                                                ­                                                  
the screams are deafening                                                        ­                                      
                          ­                                                                 ­                   
While I deal with this,                                                            ­                        
                                        ­                                                              
  ­outwardly, I show a smile                                                            ­    
                                                            ­                                                    
Then the fear rushes
in                                                               ­                       
                                                                ­                                        
  knowing I have a short
while                                                            ­                                        
                        ­                                                                 ­                     
  before eventually comes crashing in

The darkness doesn't frighten me,                                                              ­          
                                                                ­                                                          
I know in God there's light                                                            ­                  
                                                                ­                                                      
No hatred will silence me,                                                              ­                        
                                        ­                                                                 ­               
I'll fight for what's right                                                            ­                        
                                                                ­                                          
Hunger will not quell me,                                                              ­                  
                                                                ­                                                    
I'll feast on his words,                                                           ­                           
                                                                ­                                                
they will sustain the soul in me,                                                              ­            
                                                    ­                                                                 ­   
I will devour every word                                                             ­                                     
                                                                ­                                          
  Without him I am nothing                                                          ­      
                                                                ­                                                  
and that will be my death                                                            ­      
                                                          ­                                                       With him I can do anything,                                                        ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­    for he gives me every breath

Ever since we've been together,                                                        ­                I've been here, you're over there                                                                 I have been trying to reel you in,                                                                        to  make you express your feelings                                                         ­            But you've thrown up a love proof wall                                                          so impervious to it all                                                              ­                           Like a soldier, I trudge up to you,                                                             ­  your mighty wall not breaking through                                                     I've  fought the good fight,                                                           ­               but  warriors die sometimes                                                        ­         so,  I  am giving up on us                                                               ­             I have been fighting long enough                                                           ­                  I don't want to fight for somebody who                                              isn't fighting for my love too

We've been together, forever it seems,                                                           ­   
                                                                ­                                                      
  and all that time, I've been lying,                                                           ­           
                                                     ­                                                                 ­  
or at least I have led you to believe,                                                         ­         
                                                                ­                                                             that I'll give you my love selflessly                                                       ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­  
Never asking for a thing in return,                                                    
                                                                ­                                                
followed you through hell, even as I burned                                                           ­           
                                                                ­                                                  
But I have finally seen the light,                                                           ­         
                                                       ­                                                           
you were never worthy of this plight                                                           ­         
                                                                ­                                                        
I asked for nothing and it's what I received,                                                        ­                                  
                              ­                                                                 ­                   
you have taken my all, ruining me                                                          
                                                                ­                                                        
  I never felt I had any real worth,                                                           ­     
                                                                ­                                                        
I thought that your hatred was deserved                                                         ­             
                                                                ­                                                
With no self-esteem, it was so easy,                                                            ­                                
                                                                ­                                                      
to hold me down, my throat under your knee                                                          
                                                                ­                                                      
It wasn't until I struggled to be free                                                            
                                                                ­                                                  
that I saw what you were doing to me

So many words written on
me,                                                              ­          
                                                                ­                                                      
that define my
personality                                                      ­                                  
                              ­                                                                 ­                     
Even though they are not
seen,                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                                    
they mirror
accountability                                                   ­                             
                                   ­                                                                 ­              
Some are benign, mother &
wife                                                             ­           
                                                     ­                                                           
others reflect my road map of
life                                                             ­         
                                                                ­                                                        
  Documents of sadness &
  pain                                                          ­                  
                                                                ­                                          
labeling me again &
again                                                            ­              
                                                                ­                                            
Failure is a word I
see,                                                             ­                     
                                           ­                                                                 ­          
in every picture taken of
me                                                               ­           
                                                                ­                                              
Every image, glance or
stare                                                            ­              
                                                                ­                                            
  reflects the words," I don't
care"                                                            ­                              
                                  ­                                                                 ­   
  degrading remarks once
  said                                                          ­            
                                                    ­                                                                
­  are written across my
forehead                                                         ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­    
   In bold black letters I can
  see                                                           ­         
                                                       ­                                                           
   the word victimized on
  me                                                            ­                      
                                          ­                                                                
­   Invisible to the human eye,                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                    
  are they truth or are they lies?

Finally blossoming                                                       ­                                                               
 ­                                                                 ­                                                    
like a fragile flower,                                                          ­                              
                                                                ­                                                            
a rare orchid,                                                          ­                                            
                    ­                                                                 ­                                       
A reclusive butterfly                                                        ­                                          
                      ­                                                                 ­                                   
I wriggle free,                                                            ­                                          
                                                                ­                                            
breaking away,                                                            ­                                    
                                                                ­                                                  
into life, I dive,                                                            ­                                      
                          ­                                                                 ­               
gasping the air,                                                             ­                                         
                       ­                                                                 ­                      
taking it all in                                                               ­                   
                                                                ­                                          
Coming around,                                                          ­                                    
                                                                ­                                                
headfirst, wide eyed,                                                            ­                                
                                                                ­                                                        
  I come alive

You've changed so much, I don't recognize you                                                              ­                                                          We're  so out of touch, maybe I changed, not you                                                              ­                                                            You don't want me to grow, you know it's true                                                             ­                                                           but I already know you don't want me to outgrow you

Your tone full of disrespect,                                                      ­                        
                                                                ­                                                    
dark eyes filled with hate,                                                            ­                  
                                                                ­                                                  
never know what to expect.                                                          ­                                  
                              ­                                                                 ­                       
you see me as second rate                                                             ­                     
                                           ­                                                                 ­              
I can't help but to remember,                                                        ­            
                                                                ­                                                  
when none of that was true,                                                            ­                      
                                                                ­                                                      
you were my best defender                                                         ­                           
                                     ­                                                                 ­            
and your eyes, a softer blue                                                             ­                       
                                         ­                                                                 ­              
I know I can't turn back time                                                             ­                     
                                                                ­                                                  
but if I could I would                                                            ­                          
                                                                ­                                              
when I knew you were mine,                                                            ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­         
it felt so **** good                                                             ­   
                                                             ­                         
Somewhere we lost our way                                                              ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­       
  and now I miss you everyday                                                         ­                             
                                                                ­                                    
Resentment & hate fill our days                                                             ­               
                                                 ­                                                             
while we hold our hearts at bay                                                              ­          
                                                                ­                                                  
Our past holds us hostage                                                          ­                                      
 when will it be long enough?

Hating you is so **** easy,                                                            ­                          
                                      ­                                                                 ­         
loving you was like my disease                                                          ­                  
                                              ­                                                                 ­       
I'm distancing myself so I can see,                                                          
                                                                ­                                                      
the real you and the brand new
me                                                               ­               
                                                 ­                                                                 ­
These mental walls, I've stood
behind,                                                          ­              
                                                                ­                                                    
keep you away while I clear my
mind                                                             ­                 
                                               ­                                                                 ­  
  I've kept myself on the right
track                                                            ­        
                                                        ­                                                            
and I can't afford to ever look
back                                                             ­                               
                                 ­                                                                 ­                
  You are my past all a bad
memory,                                                          ­  
                                                                ­                                                   
 loves meant to last, I deserve
cherishing                                                       ­       
                                                                ­                                                        
I thought if I gave my all to
you,                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                  
that you in return would do that too

Picking up the pieces of my shattered heart,                                                           ­       
                                                         ­                                                         
and feeling like I am missing a few parts                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                                      
      that you took with you when you walked away,                                            
               ­                                                                 ­                                    
hard as I try, I can't forget that day                                                              ­          
                                                      ­                                                                
I tell myself that I'm almost over you                                                          
   ­                                                                 ­                                          
because that is what I'm being told to do                                                          
    ­                                                                 ­                                             
Deep down inside I still know the
truth                                                            ­    
                                                            ­                                                          
  and my scars are more than proof                                                            ­                
                                                ­                                                              
When I go out, I still hear your name,                                                          
 ­                                                                 ­                                      
someone wanting to know who's to blame                                                  
         ­                                                                 ­                                        
For so long we were seen as one                                                              ­      
                                                          ­                                                        
that people don't believe we are done                                                             ­         
                                                                ­                                                
They tell me things I don't want to know,                                            
                                                                ­                                              
every single word comes as a blow                                                             ­     
                                                                ­                                                     
 It must be nice to heal so easily,                                                          ­              
                                                  ­                                                        
because I miss you & it's killing me                                                               ­     
                                                                ­                                                
They say that time heals all wounds                                                          
                                                                ­                                                  
but there's a hole in my heart shaped like you

I woke up feeling discontent,                                                      ­          
                                                                ­                                                        
weak, scared, incompetent                                                      ­                        
                                        ­                                                                 ­             
Too afraid to move ahead,                                                           ­                   
                                                                ­                                                        
    a voice screamed in my
  head,                                                         ­                         
                                       ­                                                                 ­             
what I thought of myself was
true,                                                            ­            
                                                                ­                                                          
and that it must **** to be you                                                              ­                    
                                                                ­                                                      
I've been down that road before,                                                          ­              
                                                                ­                                                          
it took me down, right to the floor                                                            ­  
                                                              ­                                                
I stayed there & groveled about                                                    
                                                                ­                                              
trying to figure my ****** life out                                                              ­      
                                                                ­                                              
Every time I feel I'm doing my best,                                                            ­
                                                                ­                                                  
  life throws me yet another test                                                             ­         
                                                       ­                                                       
  Those voices are right, you see,                                                             ­         
                                                                ­                                                      
    it does **** to be me

After all the pain and suffering                                                        ­                  you happily put me through,                                                         ­             I  want to be accommodating                                                    ­            and  give some back to you                                                              ­          When  I cried you laughed and mocked me                                        and  then you walked away                                                             ­              Now, it's time for you to see                                                              ­             how I'm going to make you pay                                                              ­  Lately  you're saying you're sorry,                                                           ­  you  are all apologies                                                                                  but that doesn't fix how you scarred me,                                                you're a mistake I won't repeat                                                           ­               All in all I'm glad you're hurting                                                          ­               I couldn't be more  pleased                                                    ­                       Especially  when you start blurting                                                         ­                        how  you've only ever loved me

Music boxes play, stuffed animals on
display,                                                    
                                                                ­                                              
waiting for children who have gone
away                                                        
    ­                                                                 ­                                 
Bedrooms left quiet & undisturbed                                                      ­
                                                                ­                                      
voicemails unanswered, texts unpurged                                                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                                                                ­                                                         
All these missing children, postered on a wall
                                                                                  ­                                      
I think of the broken lives behind them
all                                                    
         ­                                                                 ­                            
Endangered or missing, they aren't where,
                                                          ­                                                  
  someone can protect them, show them
  they care                                                    
                                                                ­                                                
Beautiful angels taken or gone
away                                                            
                                                                ­                                            
maybe their mystery will be solved
today                                                  
                                                                ­                                                   
    For every parent who patiently lies in
wait                                                             ­ 
                                                               ­                                                         
   I pray that they bring their child home safe

Your conflicting emotions                                                         ­                          are like the surf of the ocean                                                            ­                  Sometimes you  rush onto shore                                                            ­          inviting and lukewarm                                                         ­                          Other times you are dark blue                                                             ­             the sun can't even get through                                                          ­               On the days you let me swim                                                             ­               feel your warmth on my skin                                                             ­      heated up by the sun above                                                            ­       Jumping right into your love                                                             ­      splashing up all over me                                                               ­               soothing and enveloping                                                                  ­        I close my eyes and float away                                                             ­                I lose myself in you those days

While you were losing your **** mind                                                             ­                                                  I  was  picking up the pieces of mine                                                             ­  as  you were trying to hold me down,                                                           I  was standing on firmer ground                                                           ­ When you were busy shifting blame                                                                 I  was noticing who you became                                                           ­      I  had to step back to fully see                                                              ­              this person who stood before me                                                               ­      My  mind was clear, my heart unscathed                                                        ­ somehow  I escaped the war you waged                                            I  poured into you real love and truth                                                            ­      it ended up being too much for you                                                  so  you  did what you always do                                      project  blame  and  give attitude                                          You  thought  your silence would be                                                            a  fit punishment for me                                                               ­      but  instead it brought me peace                                                            ­      and  a whole lot of clarity                                                          ­                      I  grew up and you stayed the same                                                         and  it's where you will remain                                                           ­     sad,  bitter and lonely                                                           ­                        taking no accountability

I was trying to control everything,                                                      ­            
                                                                ­                                                
answer the phone on the first ring                                                             ­                               
                                 ­                                                                 ­                  
That way of life became exhausting                                                       ­               
                                                 ­                                                                 ­     
and it didn't accomplish
anything                                                         ­   
                                                             ­                                                         
I admitted that I didn't know it all                                                            
 ­                                                                 ­                                    
Surrendered & fell into a free fall                                                             ­           
                                                     ­                                                             
Free from my trapped head
space,                                                           ­     
                                                                ­                                      
everything began to fall into place                                                            ­                  
                                              ­                                                          
Released from all my mental bounds                                                      
                                                                ­                                                        
I had survived being buried
underground                                                      ­      
                                                                ­                                                        
I armed myself with a new attitude                                                         ­ 
                                                               ­                                                   
and a newfound state of
gratitude                                                        ­                            
                                    ­                                                                 ­                   
I let my worry fall to the
wayside                                                          ­              
                                                                ­                                                  
and learned to really start living
life                                                             ­             
                                                                ­                                                        
I found out I love who I am
inside,                                                          ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­             
  I urge everyone to give it a try