My faith is a test of a dream.
The sick laugh was thrown in the air
like the pain of red rain down your wrists, this sloped path is fast and harsh.
The skin pricked gets full of deep and pure red,
as pure as a young lamb.
A slave to my mind and the last test of my faith
is my corpse as it lay on the cold hard ground.

My mind plays with me like a child with a limp doll.
I play life like a chord that’s sung off-key
they say what a shame she was so close to the big time.
A shame she can’t play the game.
All of this is said with eyes full of thought
and care as I say bye to them and hi to the dream.

You play your games,
let’s see how long I can go cheating on you with my ex,
cheat,
cheat that’s the name of the game I hate that game cause you know you’ve loosed,
when I’m sitting there in front of you with tears streaking down my face telling you that I know what is going on,
and I barley can speak begging you to stop it because I don’t want to lose you again,
I want to be able to hang out with you and gossip and complain of the life around us,
I want to go back to when we’d right short sappy poems to boost each other because we always knew when the other was struggling silently,
and wanting them to know that we were there for them I knew at this moment while my tears are screaming every good moment in sync with my heart which is beating with pure hope,
but my brain is singing another tune and I know it was right my brain telling me that no matter how good the relationship,
she will always go back to him,
and as much as
I
hated
myself
in that moment I make myself say my last words to you,
and as I say them I hear every emotion I had been feeling the rage,
anger,
the strong longing,
and love,
every syllable as I speak is me putting you,
and the memories in a vault in my brain and locking it,
and what I say is…
goodbye.

Every time I see you smiling in the hallways I break a little wondering where I am now in your mind.
do you remember me only when you see me?
do you remember me so well you cry yourself to sleep at night?
do you break inside when you see my face the pain you learned so well to see in my features even through the fake smile?
In my eyes do you see them the silent tears?
do you know they are for you that I cry inside when I hear your name do you know the pain you’ve caused?

you were the only one that I felt safe with.
you took my sense of security you were my home the place i felt most safe now I am homeless trying to not feel.
I’m trying to survive high school,
but you were all that was keeping me from truly falling on my face now that you are gone I am constantly saying high to the floor.
But it still hurts the cold ground I’m sleeping on.
Yes, I have friends but for how long how long until they say I’m done with you and leave me like you did.
then I don’t think I would be able to even get up off the ground.
While you listen so do they.
you help me so do they.
you sit next to me them not so much now I’m sitting all alone at the lunch table not eating just thinking about you,
and lunch gets dismissed I am getting up the slowest and throw away my full plate of food not even touched.

my eyes are so dark from the lack of sleep because of the nights that I have stayed up crying.
On the nights that I manage to sleep my dreams are about you,
but the dreams aren’t dreams they are nightmares.
Yes, you just left but I guess I knew you wouldn’t stay.
But, I got too attached and tore myself apart robbed myself of a home.
I’m broken and destroyed but if you were to come and ask me how I am doing I’d plaster a fake smile,
and look into your eyes and tell you the same lie that I have been telling for months now I’d say I’m fine,
I couldn’t be doing better.
But, you’d know I’m lying you’ve known I’ve been lying.
But, you let me tell my lie because you know if you say anymore then I’d start to cry.
You also know you couldn’t keep hurting me but what you don’t know is that I would rather you stay and hurt me by pressing.
then to leave me in an endless black void of lies and tears.
You, leave I cry,
You, come back I cry,
in the end I’m still crying it makes me feel worthless,
but all you do is sit back and watch the emotional mess you’ve created.

At night I let my tears spill,
I let them trail down the small indent below my eyes dark from the lack of sleep.
the tears flow down the side of my nose so slow I know could wipe them away before they get past my nostril,
but no, I let them flow down my cheek and them land on my lips,
and I can taste the salt from the tear as the salt water goes over my chapped lips.
I feel the small salty drops drip off my face and onto my sheet covers.
I look at the water marks my tears are leaving,
but I can’t clearly see the picture in clear focus because of all the tears still waiting to break over waiting my eyes a meltdown waiting to happen.
All I can think about,
all that is crossing my mind is how weak and pathetic I am for crying tears for these stupid dumb reasons that seem so big to me.
But really what’s the point in crying when no one will care about them the reasons you are crying,
don’t matter to them no to them to society you are this strange weird thing to them you aren’t human you are something for society to look at and find all your little flaws no matter hw small the flaw society will find them and use it to tear you slowly from the inside out.
to the point you say it hurts but it is alright because you are used to the pain because at some point you will become numb to the pain.
your numbness will be how you feel about the pain because the pain will always be there,
but the numbness is helping you to see the truth of societies “light” this light is very dark and dim,
and it’s just denigrating your brain slowly.
That in the end you don’t care whether you die because at this point you know that society doesn’t care so why should you?

your long dark hair the flows to your shoulders like a river,
you put it up and down and all around,
you make my heart feel like i am not in control,
everyone asking if i have a crush and i say no but my heart screaming yes.
a forbidden love quest,
this quest would never be accepted in my family and friends say i need to stop.
but i can't every time i see you my jaw drops a little at the sight of your beauty.
every one always is saying that i'm crazy,
and that you will never love me.
they say i am a fool and you are the queen i am a dancing idiot trying so hard to get you to notice me and you getting annoyed rolling your eyes,
waiting to tell a lie before it is needed don't tell me there is nothing here.
i have enough love for you for a thousand life times is it the same for you?
or will you tell me the same thing they have been saying about you?
i don't understand my emotions i'm going to admit for the first time,
i am more scared for this answer then i am anxious i'm scared you will hurt me.
but maybe you will hurt me by saying yes i do love you but not truly meaning it i am so confused when it comes to you and your beauty.
your beauty it blinds me every time i turn the corner,
and see you standing there talking to your friends-
i stop and stare with a scared stunned face the face of true love and pain of knowing i will never be good enough for you and for this i am sorry my queen.
i can't play you away like most men would,
because they didn't see the queen that they had in their hand given up to be kept by me.
but i refuse to give you up no matter what everyone in this world is saying.