Calories
200
400
600
800
200
400
600
800
Repeat
2,4,6,8
Need to lose weight
2,4,6,8
Fast
Still not enough
Pill
2,2,2,2
0
Dead

No one tells you that the hard part about dying is surviving
                    

                     Coming to terms with your end
                           but its only the beginning of a new end
                                                                                      

                                                                                          I mourned for life

Water.

Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and…water.

I was never like the other girls. The beautiful, tall, and skinny girls I was not perfect

Instead I had the words ugly, worthless, fat, and unloved branded on my face

The words empty, broken, dumb, and unwanted covering my entire body

Skinny was never a word that described me

Until I stopped eating

Calories
200
400
600
800

I lost 5 pounds, then 10, then 20. Striving to be double digits and not triple.

Eating in front of a mirror.

Crying over a bathroom scale,

Cause i only felt pretty when i was hungry.
200
400
600
800
repeat
2, 4, 6, 8

To me, being perfect was more important of being healthy

It was a never ending cycle of "Will I eat today?"

I was trapped in the walls of my mind with the door wide open

Why didn't I just walk through the door?

In my mind

I couldn't fit
calories
2, 4, 6, 8
need to lose weight
2, 4, 6, 8

I lost all of my friends because instead of going out and enjoying life

I stayed home, adding all of the calories I had eaten that day

Instead I stayed home in fear of gaining weight from that one slice of pizza

keep going through the days
2, 4, 6, 8

My scale became my best friend

Watching that number go down was my fun on a Friday night

Drinking water on an empty stomach was my feeling of enjoyment

But no matter how low that number got it was never enough

It was never enough until I had finally collapsed

2, 2, 2, 2
fast

Female, 14 years of age, height 5"3, weight 65 pounds

I had done it

I was so skinny I was dying

I was dying because society told me that I wasn't good enough

I was dying because society told me that I wasn't pretty nor skinny enough

I was dying because I was afraid that one day people would see me

The way I saw myself
I fight all day and all night
            this is your own fault
My body shows my battlewounds
Scars and bones and scratches
            you did this to yourself


I need to eat
   but you can't
It's just food
      but it's not
My minds thin
         but you're fat
This is breaking me
            I'll fix it for you
I'm going too far
               you're not far enough
I need to turn back
                  that's not an option
Release me
                     not happening
I've gone too far
                        push it a little further



My weight became the only thing I cared about

I was failing all of my classes becase the only numbers I cared about

Were the ones that would appear on my scale telling me how much more I needed to lose until,

I had nothing to lose

I didn't see a future

I had already lost my friends

My GPA

My family

And myself

All for what?

I lost everything to be like the other perfect girls The beautiful, tall, and skinny girls


0
Pill
Dead

you can't see him but he is always here

he spoke when I was home

he yelled at me when I was driving

he sang to me when I was asleep

he made me stay in bed day in and day out so he can hold me

I told him to leave but he held me so tight that I could not breathe

Why cant I just be normal

normal brain
normal body
normal problems
normal family
normal wants
normal needs

normal life


why do I try so hard to only fall behind

She was born with the brightest eyes like the first dawn of spring
Her soul was a precious gift meant to be kept and held tight by only herself


The dawn eyes turned to a summers green leaves
She held tight to her soul letting in only goodness and hope


The eyes that mirrored the trees began to fall like the leaves in autumn
Although she tried to keep her soul for herself she began to give small pieces to those undeserving


Those eyes that were once filled with color were frozen like the coldest winters day
A soul that once was her most precious gift was lost and soon forgotten

I know they love my me

I just wish it was the same love that your supposed to have

I wish they tried

I wish they at least pretended to try