I want to wish you the happiest day

I want to know
how many candles laced your treat
and if you made a wish before they ceased
I want the phone to ring
so we can replay
bourbon infused memories
I want every eye that looks this way
To be as blue as yours are
on any given day
I want to know if you miss it here
Or like it there
Or if you're still unhappy everywhere
I want the phone to ring
So I can wish you the happiest day

I am malleable
I am the crumbling of shields of comfort
I am my mother and her mother alike
I am a descendant of immigrants
I come from resiliency and strength and ***** brown curls
I am restless nights and tired dreams
I am light and life and longing
I am lonely and loved all the same
I am sickness and sadness and stubbornness
I am growth and eagerness and willingness
I am death
I am grief
I am heartbreak
I am growth

Today is the day I leave
I'll watch as they load each item I claim and I will try not to cry
It's me again, prioritizing your comfort
Finding a solution to the problem you created
You'll come home and surely feel relieved
And I'll watch as they put each item in a new home that isn't really mine
Today is the day I leave

The kettle sings
she dances towards me

she pours mine
and then her own

honey drips,
chamomile
with hints of mint

spoons clank
I stir too fast
she breaks her biscotti
and gives me half

We cheers porcelin rims
she smiles at me
our day begins

My dreams are alive
I am awake

Exhausted
Eyelids weighted
Body limp
It falls asleep

Aware
My mind is awake
screaming
choking
drowning

Panic
My heart sinks
My chest is tight
My breath is shallow

Paralyzed

Focus
"Wake up"
"Wake up"
"Please wake up"

Momentum
I launch my body forward
And force my eyelids open
I gasp for air

I am awake

Today you will drink the wine you like
Pick your meal
And not ask what I will have
Because today is your birthday

Maybe you will find someone to share it with
Maybe you will like her stories
Maybe you will laugh, hard
Or maybe you won't.

Maybe you will remember
Saying I love you for the first time today
Or maybe there are too many miles between then and now

Happy birthday
I love you too.