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 Jul 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
What will you do Broken Boy?
Your fears are coming to life
Your blood is boiling,
Your eyes are changing
Your claws are showing,
Your voice is changing
Your skin is breaking
You can't run
You can't hide from yourself
The broken boy in you can't wait to play
What will you do Broken Boy?
What will you do?
 Jul 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
Music
 Jul 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
It's not just the piano notes
It's not's its sharps or should I say it's flats
It's not the music sheet
It's obviously not my E major voice
Neither is it how well our voices blend
When the concertmaster says start to
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

It's not just the Violins
G3, D4, A4, and E5 soothing notes
That keep us playing even when the rest stop
It's not our audiation that keeps as late
Into the night writing,meditating,singing
Laughing at each others crazy lines.
Or your masculine tattooed arms, Strumming the guitar
Neither is it your ability to manipulate your voice to both
Tenor and a Countertenor,so that when the concertmaster says start
To Michael Bolton - When a Man Loves a Woman
It feels like heaven has just opened its doors.

It's not how high I can hit the yala leyo notes
Neither is it my ability manipulate my emotions
So that when the concertmaster says to me Start To
Loren Allred - Never Enough
I give the crowd both my voice and my emotion

It's the memories the two of us make
That lead up to this moment
When the concertmaster says Start
The memories trickle in
The laughs,the anxieties,the fun,the fights
Even the shared pizzas and movie nights
That are all joined with the one thing that we share
Our passion for music,it's culture and giving it life
It's beauty and how freeing and liberating it's words can be
Things we both want to say but really can't
So we use the most basic language we both get
Music
 Jul 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
Anxiety
 Jul 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
Am always choosing
Between the lesser of two evils
The lesser of two wrongs
Haunted by the shadow of my mistakes
The guidance of my little successes
 Jun 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
"You need to be thin"
"You have to dress pretty"
"You are naturally tall"
are all you need
then give me a call"
For
your acceptance into the hall
I watched what I ate
I worked out more
and became the facade
to please them all.
So
Click away Mr
take pictures of this skinny
model facade I put on
Prepare
the runway Mr
so I can flaunt andwalk
pretty,thin and tall
just don't ask me
did you eat today
because I'll say
sure I did
I ate plenty of
undernourishment
with a side of regret
sprinkling of diet pills
for dinner I will eat
instagram photos of food
post a few photos of my
pretty,tall,thin self
and suddenly I won't
be hungry anymore.
So click away Mr
Yes I ate and will eat
today
and still maintain this
facade for them all
It's quite sad that most of us want to maintain an "acceptable lovable image "that the society has put up for us.We are caught up with this dogma that we don't mind the pain,I don't know if I should call it craving attention or a cry for help that our self esteem is taking a dive to the gutter.
 Jun 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
How could words that felt like
lava to my inner skin
leukimia to my bones,
Septal Defects to my heart ,
have turned into blows,
after sickening blows?

How is it that I could only
mentally scream for you to shut up
stop this mental and physical abuse
but not actually saying it.

I guess I know why,
I guess I always knew why
I knew it but did you also know why
Tell me you also  know why

Well maybe that's why
I listen to all this sad songs
don't trust this thing between my chest
learned to trust this thoughts in my head.

Your words taught me
bruise me,broke me then modelled me
only to throw me,crush me then model me
Ironically you made me elite and haughty me
You would like me but I don't like me

I blame myself though
Your words were my religion
bitter cruel they made this though
I wish I wasn't talking to a corpse though

Your words were my religion
your blows were my conviction
blood,tears and pain
though I wish they never were my religion
 Jun 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
What are you looking at
Depression
Emptiness
Shame
Deceit
Guilt
Close your eyes then there is nothing to see.
Your not alone,we are all ugly
the difference is some wear it and some hide it
no one's perfect,so close your eyes,there is nothing to see.
Only you will ever do you better,don't dwell on past mistakes and struggles fight all the uglies that made you not love yourself,because the best thing we can ever do to yourself is first loving yourself first so that you can give love to someone else.So shut them out fight all the anger uglies,depression uglies,deceit uglies, anxiety uglies etc.
 Jun 2018 Brian McDonagh
Ash
If you can't see
anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
(I see my big blue eyes lol)
but just
stare a little longer
because there is something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
"they are wrong"
For only you
will ever know your worth
so stare a little longer
because
"they are wrong"
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