This disease struck me
Like a brick on pavement
Hard

Everything was
Perfect
Then that brick came along
And with the slightest movement
Destroyed everything

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
The voices say

Why can’t I let them go?
They keep repeating:

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
Why won’t they stop

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
I don’t understand

“Count it
Perfect it
Measure it
Clean it”
Someone just HELP me understand

This disease is about
Perfection
But it's the biggest
Imperfection about me

First you fall for them
Then you fall into their arms
And someday
You’ll fall in love
But then
Fall out
And you’ll fall apart
Fall into pieces
And eventually
You’re just stuck there
Falling
Waiting for the next person
To catch you

I feel as if i’m cursed
As if it’s a misfortune to love her
In this lifetime at least

How brave we must be to love each other.
It’s like
We were both north poles
Only meant to connect with south instead of each other
Opposites attract...right?
That’s how everything was supposed to be laid out…

But there have to be some similarities
Whether that similarity is music
Friends, family, hobbies, sports...
Or gender.

Would you really rather see two men holding weapons
Than hands?
Do you want to see the slits on wrists
When you tell them who they can’t kiss?

Just so you know
I'm a girl
I love a girl
And I’m okay with that
You should be too.

Me at 5 years old-

I know that
We are all treated equal.
I don’t believe that
There is hate.
My mind knows that
Everyone loves one another.
Sometimes people lie to themselves and say
People hate each other for their differences.
I remind myself:
I am happy here.
And you can’t tell me
We live in a cruel world.

Me at 15 years old-

We live in a cruel world.
And you can’t tell me
I am happy here.
I remind myself:
People hate each other for their differences.
Sometimes people lie to themselves and say
Everyone loves one another.
My mind knows that
There is hate.
I don’t believe that
We are all treated equal.
I know that

you said that if i want him,
i should go get him...
would you say that,
still,
if you knew
that the “him” i want
isn’t a him,
but a her?

I’m afraid that one day
That I'm just going to explode and
Everything I love will be
In ashes.
Everyone I love will be
Ashes.
And It'll all be my fault

So I’ll save you the trouble
And I’ll just
Keep this storm in for now
But I beg of you,
I tell you this now,

Don’t get too close.
Because the amount of energy and fire the
Storm is creating
Can’t be contained for much longer

Anybody ever felt like giving up?
Like they failed at something?
Are you in this room right now? Do you exist?
You made it through.
The only wrong answer to falling down
Is staying down...
And you learned how to fly
What you did was amazing
You wiped off the dust and stepped up.

This life would have loved to swallow you whole
With segregation
Devastation
Agitation
Aggravation and
Humiliation
But you wiped off the dust and stepped up

They say don’t speak
Make you weep
Makes you weak
Everything seems so bleak
For it’s assistance you would seek

You felt like you couldn’t bear one more disappointment.
It put you through a phase
In a haze of
“Life’s not fair I don’t care”
But you wiped off the dust
And you stepped up

This life tried to stomp out your fire
But you found a lighter  
And relit your candle

People pushed you down
Pushed you down
And pushed you down
Until you thought you might drown
In tears
In the sound of your own fears
But you wiped off the dust
And you stepped up
You concealed the tears and you fought the fears

Eventually you swallowed the
“You’re not good enough”s
The “You will never make it”s
The “Just sit there and take it”s
But you still had a lingering question:
“Why am I even here?”

And then you made a sudden realization
That you have a purpose on this sphere

Your dreams were hidden behind mounds
But your faith caused an erosion
And now everyone can see who you
Are really meant to be
Because you wiped off the dust and
You
Stepped
Up

And that is why I’m here today
Because I wiped off the dust and I stepped up
I am at a peak

I see everyone. in this world as
Brothers and sisters;
There is no difference between you, me
Or the person sitting next to you
And I can’t wait until the day
The dust settles
And we’re all not just seeking our dreams;
But we are living them

“How are you,” they ask
Broken, alone, useless, unloved
Confused, betrayed, fragile

“I’m Fine”

I take on people’s problems, but never my own
Because then i become:
Selfish, self absorbed, obsessed, egotistical
How do you think I feel?

I got quieter
Nights endless
Blades bigger
Sleeves longer
Meals smaller
Music crashing
No one even noticed

Every day I was tormented
I had fallen into a trapdoor of depression

My spirits sank

My life was a phone battery
Every time I was used up
People left me to sit in the dark
Just until they felt the need
To use me again

My friends called me their dandelion
They said they could make a wish
And I would make it come true
And then someone finally told me
That dandelions were just weeds

Weeds are useless, unwanted
Just how I was
No place among the beautiful flowers

All it takes is some kind of elephantine smile
To hide an injured soul
And they never know

How broken you really are

Depression is the incapability
To develop a future

People think depression is
Darkness, crying, misery
Depression is the consistent feeling
Of being numb

I was tired of crying, tired of yelling, tired of being...
me
Trying to get people to understand, and being alone
Being angry, feeling crazy...
Being different and feeling lost
Feeling lost inside, most of all
I was tired of being tired

I wanted to be… okay
But there was something
Inside screaming
“You don’t deserve it”

I was done
Done with being used, being detached, and most of all
Being left in the dark…

...alone...
Abandoned?
By All I loved?
What a pity

Then one day
I realised
No
I am worth something
To somebody somewhere
I do not accept this
And I refuse to give up


I am strong because I know my weaknesses
I am beautiful because I am aware of my flaws
I am wise because I learn from my mistakes
I can love because I have felt hate and
I can laugh because I have felt sadness

It’s all about finding the calm in chaos
I wake up every morning
To the demons I left the night before
I fight them every minute of the day
And that…
Makes me stronger than anyone
I’ve ever known

To the one I love

I don't know how to ever
Stop loving you, so tell me:
Will you ever stop loving me?

I believe that's the only
Way to save yourself from me

I love you with everything I have but
What is everything I have isn't
Good enough for you

So please tell me:
When will you stop loving me?

now that
I have known
Your love
everything before it
seems silly
and
everything after it
just is not enough

The raindrops
They fall
They pour
Heavily
With cold winds
The raindrops come down
Faster and faster

The raindrops rush
Through the streets
And roll down my face
And hit the wood floors
With an audible thud

I weep because of you
Because of the memories you deserted
When you walked away
And your sweet soft voice
Now screams in my head
A song
Louder than all the others
Louder than my own mind
And louder than I can handle...

Today was supposed to be my
day off
but i realized as a poet
there is never a day off

everything around you
shapes you and everything becomes more relevant
than it was before

being a poet means,
giving up the simplicity
of life and everything, every day.
you have to realize that everything is made just for you

everything is meant to be seen
and maybe you were meant to see it
and write about it

maybe, and this might be crazy,
but maybe
you were meant to fall in love
and then break your heart into 1,000 pieces

being a poet made me realize
the simple things in life
which I can no longer afford

i take everything into account
and everything into perspective
because all i want to do
is write
and all I can do about my current situation...
is write about how much
I hate being a writer

Hope and joy shines bright in my eyes
The newer my poetry was
The more deep it got
The more you could feel what I was feeling
They all used to be happy
But the poems weren’t good
Anger and depression was the reason for my poetic fire
I’m proud to say now my poetry is bad
Because I am no longer sad
Someone has entered my life to where
I do not have the ability to feel down
He has stolen my heart
But he can keep it
I never knew how to write happy uplifting poems
The best ones were deep
Feelings
So here is where I shall retire
Until I once again am let down by yet another person

There is a mind
Within my mind

Which sends me words of wisdom
And words of courage
Inspiration and politeness

But then the other side hears
And takes over
Sending me the hate.
Hate for myself and
Everyone around me

The Minds try to mix and work together but
It never works

I hear the voices overlapping
Every second of the day
Arguing and taking different stands
Either I’m beautiful
Or disgustingly hideous
I’m smart
Or absolutely stupid

Some days I hate it
But I also love it
Because if there were no voices
I couldn’t do what I love best

My room is cluttered with nothing in the right places
I feel like i don't have control over it
Though it's obvious i do.
Every time i pick something up,
I throw twice as much trash in its place

I never go into my room because that's where
I leave the unwanted.
But the moment i walk in...its overwhelming.
I don't sleep in my room because
Closing my eyes in its darkness
Terrifies me.
And its all my fault because i cause the mess

My family tells me to clean it up
And that no one would love me if im…
Such a mess
But its not that easy. I cant just
Organize it and rearrange it by myself
I need help
But everyone is scared because my room is a
Disaster zone

Im never happy sitting alone isolated in that box
The only way i'll clean it myself
Is if i get scolded into fear of loneliness
Even then
It will never meet expectations
And I'll just give up on changing

My best friend
Is my perfection
He’s the one I love

Buy he doesn’t believe it
So he
Turns over the blade
Turns up the music
To tune out the world

He doesn’t know how wonderful he is
He also doesn’t know
That he’s hurting me
Because

One cut on his wrist
Is a thousand
On my heart

You hold onto me--I’m yours
Share me and I cease to exist
I am your secret that dwells within you
The thing that’s eating you up inside

I am the one screaming
“Let me out”
But no one can hear me
You can try to forget me
But can you?

No one can hear
The screams and the pain

They never will

Unless you unlock my cage
Finally let me free
I can see the key
But just can’t touch it
It’s yours to open
And when you release me
There’s no putting me back
I will tell them all what’s really happening
In your cage

When you leave,
You better
Leave me with nothing
Take the love I had
Take the happiness I possessed
Take my shattered heart
Take the memories you gave me
Take the excruciating pain
Take the feelings I had for you
But when you leave,
Know,
There’s no looking back

I made one mistake and
It ruined us both
You were the only one
I loved and the
Only one i trusted
Now I have no one
I can’t even talk to you
And all I’m doing
Is falling

Falling and falling
Into this pit that only
You can help me out of
But I can never see you again

Teenagers make big
Mistakes but
This one might top them all
I ruined a friendship
And relationship in one day

I just sit here thinking, crying
That you will message me back
That we will find a way
Back into each other’s life
But then reality strikes
And I know,
Dear god I know,
That we will never
Be one again

I tried to isolate us from the world
To save you
But really what
I needed to be saving
You from
Was me
Because everywhere I go
Is pure destruction

There it was
Swaying in the field
Calling to me

I saw it and
It was beautiful
Though no one saw the beauty
Through my eyes

So I picked it
Because no one else would
But then
Death took over

It started to wilt
From the inside out
No one saw at first
But then everyone did

It started to lose its color
Its charm
Drop its leaves

Soon
There was nothing left to take
From it

There was no color
No charm
And no leaves

They finally started to notice
How beautiful
It really was

In the end
Everyone remembered
Her beauty

You know what’s crazy?
I didn’t even realize how you
Became so important in my life

It’s like a snowstorm
You watch the snowflakes
Fall
But you don’t realize just how much
They add up

Until your whole front lawn
Is just covered in snow
All of the little things
Added up
And my conclusion is:

You’re my
Snowstorm

The day a poet
Falls in love with you is
The day you truly love
And truly live
And you will live forever
In the lines and rhymes
Of her flowing poetry
And you will be honored in memory
To inspire such a poem

The day a poet falls
Out of love with you is
The day you die
The day you should be afraid of
Because then the memory of you
Will be hated by thousands
And you will still live forever
In the hate of her
Stabbing, brutal stanzas
And though they may not
Know your name
The people will despise the thought of you
For inspiring such a poem

Maturity is monumental puzzle piece in person’s life
That single word distinguishes the difference between boys and men
Or even girls and women

Boys are stuck with a young mentality to only focus on things they want
Men know what they need and when they need it
While boys chase after ***, real men want passion

While a man is giving a gentle kiss to a woman
Boys are caressing the thighs of innocent girls

Whether you may believe it or not; girls may be more greedy than boys
Girls survive off of the wealth of others
Women go out and succeed themselves

Girls only care for themselves
While the women around them care for everyone else

And i stand here alone
Surrounded by girls and boys trying to grow up too fast

The things that they think make them seem more mature
Only aids them in keeping their adolescent title

The decision is lust or love
I, myself, prefer the latter

The one risk she took
She risked it all
And she was attacked
She couldn’t see them
But knew they were there
Then
They pounced

Ripping out her hair
The coughing
The blood
The bruises

After it happened she
Knew she wouldn’t
Be treated the same

They cared more
Took her places
She’d never been

She stopped eating
Started to lose weight
Until one day
They attacked again

More hair
Blood
Bruises
Coughing
Blows to her lungs

And finally
She gave up
She sat in that blank white room
And thought

She thought about
How she has fought
And fought
And lost every time

What was it worth?
Nothing, she realized
And she let go

I read a few of my own, old poems













And I died a little bit













And I cried a lot

Listen to me right here and right now
I know now how easy it is to fall into someone's eyes
and how easy it is to fall for someone and
not realize it
But I tell you now...with all I got
that I love you. Nothing less, and I don't want anything more but you

I want to lead my life not let
Other people lead it for me
I don’t need the help or push from
My parents. Just the thought that I can do it
But when you tell me, dad, that I can’t do it
It wears me down, wears me out
And chips away pieces of my dream
I’m not going to be a doctor or some great
Life changing hero. I want to control my life
I hold the reins
I will guide myself
I want to follow my heart
But what if
You have broken it so much
And it shattered in a trillion pieces?
Which piece do I follow, then?
And be careful not to get to close
Because I will disappoint you
You will get cut
On one of my broken pieces

I know you have her
But the poetry I write for you
Never ceases
I put my heart and soul into
These feelings I write down
On paper
For you

The poetry I write for you keeps me breathing
And if it’s not seen
I don’t mind
Because it’s not for them
It’s for you

We used to be so happy
But now you have another
Who will never love you the way
I used to love you
But my question for you is
Could you love her in the way you did towards me?

Being a poet is purely
Amazing.

Everyone thinks you have this
Incredible talent and skills
To encourage or inspire everyone but really

I hate it
All of it

I hate that something bad has to happen
just for me to write about it

Like every time I write, something bad happened
and that something is eating me alive

And because I have no one for me,
I have to tell the world about my problems

About every heartbreak
relationship
bad day
bad person
and everything BAD

Trust me when i say this:
I've tried to write about all of the good
in the world

but now...really I look around
and see none

so all I can do it sit around
waiting
for the next horrible
thing to happen to me
again

Life is like
A swing
It goes up and down
For however long you
Want it to

But for me
I can’t seem to push
Myself off the ground

I can’t get to the top.
So all I do is sit there
Hoping someone will come
And give me a little push
Push me to go higher and higher
I can’t wait
For that one person
To come along

Life is slowly escaping as
The cold days begin to long
There is no more safety between these walls
Day after day Night after night
The world becomes oblivion to the sight
Of any light.

But

Life may be escaping
As the cold days begin to long
There may be no safety between the walls
Day after day Night after night the world may become oblivion
To the sight of any light.

Yet one must never forget that even in the darkest of times with
The littlest of faith
Even the smallest speck of light
Can save the dead rose

They all left
All except you
And now
You want to desert me too?

I understand being afraid

Afraid that if you get too close
You’ll destroy everything
That the world will wreak havoc
If you mess one single thing up

You’re afraid of loving me
I’m afraid of loving you

And ever since those feelings
Have risen
You’ve been running
Hiding
From me

But the thing is
You can’t just run
Away from your fears
You must face them

So stop running
Stop hiding
Come back
Please
I need you

I need you so much more
Than you even know
Than you may ever know
Than I ever thought I would

This feeling of love
Is flaming
It’s burning me up

But now we both know
That we love each other
So please tell me
Why are you still running?

Some people live their whole lives
Thinking they are not beautiful
Some people die with the thought;
“I am not beautiful”

One cannot grow into beauty
Because you already are beautiful
Your were born into beauty

Understand that beauty is perception
How others feel about you
Though there is a dictionary entry of the word beauty,
“Beauty” has limitless meanings

There is no real definition
Because it is defined as something different every day
And you
Are a definition of “Beautiful”

Someone finds your laugh
Your intelligence, your thoughts
And every single thing you hate about yourself
Beautiful

Who are They
To judge what “Real Beauty” looks like?
And who are They to tell you you’re not
Beautiful

You Are blinded by your insecurities
And you hide away behind a curtain of fear
But please
Try to know true beauty

Because when I was 13
I wish I knew how beautiful I was

The moment I met you;
I thought you were perfect.
And I loved you instantly.
With your
beautifully tanned skin,
perfect hair,
amazing smile and most of all
incredible personality.
And when I realized you weren't perfect,
I loved you even more than before

Dear Family,

I’m sorry for this to be
The last thing you hear of me
But listen to this
And this only

Don’t listen to the
Things you hear about
Me or the things
You may believe about me
Just listen to this, me, right now

I am a coward.

This way is not the way
I ever thought I would go
But I just couldn’t
Take it anymore

And I apologize for taking
The easy way out
And hurting everyone
Around me
Around you

I’m sure when I part my
Ways
There will be misery
And grief

That I know

I know there were people to
Care for me
And care about me
But very few listened

It’s not your fault,
But mine

Everything I have done
Up to this point
Has pushed me to the
Edge

I know you’ll be sad at first
But then you’ll get angry
And when you read this
You be even more
Angry with me

I told you day after day
That I was fine
And that’s my fault

I never told you how I was really
In need of someone to talk to

I used to have someone
But
You ripped them away from me

But then again, that’s
Also my fault

I wasn’t the greatest
Daughter but
You know how much I
Needed him
He was my best friend
And I ruined what we had
And in the process I also ruined
Your trust

Everywhere I went was destruction, but
It was never your fault
Because I was the one
Who always caused it

And now I sit here with
The bottle open and
40 tablets in my hand

Now listen closely because this
Part is what really matters:

I love you.
And I’m sorry for being such a coward...

I live only where there is light
But die when light shines upon me
I am your shadow
I follow you everywhere
I’m the only one who knows
EXACTLY
What roads you’ve walked and
The paths you’ve chosen

You can trust me to be with you forever
I will always be by there in
The darkness
I’ll be the one to back you up
I’ll be the one that will follow you
Anywhere

I will be your only friend
When the others have left
And you will die with me by your side
Friends
Or none

I was wrong
For letting you come into my life
I was wrong for falling for you
And letting myself think
That you fell for me
Also
I was wrong to think I needed to love you
I thought I needed someone to love me
Oh how I was wrong
I was wrong for kissing you
For letting you all the way in
Opening myself up to you
I was wrong for dreaming of you
Of me falling gracefully into your arms
I was wrong
Now I know
But worst of all is
I am still wrong for loving you

I stare at my ceiling
With a hundred thoughts
“Maybe he knows who I am”
“Actually...
Probably not”

I walk down the hall
With my head down low
Scared to meet his eyes
Even when I hear his voice
I’m swarmed with butterflies

It’s impossible
To get you off my mind
I think about a hundred thoughts
And you are 99

I’ve understood that you will never
Be mine
And that’s fine
I’m just breaking inside

The swing set
Oh god how I waited
For someone to come along
And shortly after
I was going to get off
The swing
Someone gave me a little push
And then a big push

But what goes up, must come down
And I most definitely
Came down

What people don’t tell you is
That when someone does push you
Eventually they’ll
Get tired

Tired of you
And your swing
And they’ll leave
Leaving you there
To slow down
Faster and faster
Until finally
You come to a complete
Stop