Again my thorns show.
Sharp, angry vines strangle me
"You lash out." I know.

When I was small
I learned quickly
How to cry silently
So daddy wouldn't hit me

When I got older
I was an expert
And only my scars
Betrayed my hurt

So I cried rivers
From eleven to sixteen
Drowning in my own flood
Perfectly trained

I've fallen in love
3 times in my life.
The first time,
He was a long-time friend with ever-changing hair and river eyes
And I wasn't afraid of the dark around him.
I knew
I loved him
And I wasn't
Afraid.
(Months later,
He taught me fear in love
When he told me
He hadn't been in the whole time.)
The second time,
She was a bright new adventure who had a way with words and a patience I'd never encountered before.
I knew I loved her
When her eyelashes caught the sunlight
And I wanted to lay by the pool side
And sleep away the summer with her.
I
Was
So
Afraid.
(Months later,
She proved me right.
Her patience broke.
Now she calls me Cancer.)
The third time,
They caught me by surprise,
Because it'd always taken me so long to fall before.
They made it easy,
They surrounded me with safety
In the form of a warm pair of arms.
I didn't know,
Too afraid to realize,
Or to say.
(Not too long later,
They told me they wanted someone
Who could love them as fast.
I was so afraid to repeat
That I caused a repeat of the past.)
I've fallen in love
3 times in my life
And I've never
Learned
How
To
Fall
Out.

Here, I lay down everything,
Everything you took from me,
Every missing piece I need that I will never have.
Here's every time you made us move so you could keep your habits.
Here's every time I had to leave a "home" when I thought I finally had it.
Here's every breath of cigarette smoke that you pumped into my lungs.
Here's every time you drank yourself stupid and every drug you've ever done.
Here's all of the family vacations we never took.
Here's all of the birthdays and milestones you missed because you just didn't bother to look.
You can have back every stupid meaningless thing you've tried to buy my love with.
You can have back the anxiety you gave me from all of the times you drank yourself shitless.
You took the childhood I was supposed to have and then you asked if you were still my dad.
You didn't pay child support, let alone raise me,
So no, I don't forgive you for the hell that you gave me.

Harsh words whispered across my aching, tired body
Weighing, tying me down
Ebbing away my precious supply of energy
Until I can only stare blankly at the texture of my ceiling

You take your perfect aim and you shoot at my brain,
Your poison bullet quickly clouding my already chaotic thoughts.
I stand in front of this mirror and fear my makeup may be running,
Uncovering the parts of me I so desperately try to conceal.
I close my eyes tight and hope to God that none of this is real.
There's no way I'm the monster that you make me out to be.
When I lash out, I promise it's because you've broken me.
God
I
Hope
I'm
Right.
.
.
.
(what if i am truly like the monster inside?)