i feel like my mind can’t be contained
and all the dark thoughts i harbor beneath
pour into the surrounding life i live
poisoning the happiness i’ve come to find

it betrays me by rotting me from the inside out
and eroding every joyful memory into dust
questioning the steps i’ve taken to get where i am
quick to replace the comfort with silent pain

i wish i could finally shake loose of my mind
and leave behind the decayed flesh of it
abandon the past and all the scars in its wake
acquire back the light i used to hold

but i’m stuck in a prison i’ve created myself
and have lost the keys to my own happiness
trapped in a web of doubt and uncertainty
trampled by my own two feet

I’ve been the girl who held him too close
I’ve pleaded and cried into his chest
I’ve been held just as close
But felt just as far away
And clung to the back of his t-shirt

I’ve been the girl who knew he was unhappy
I’ve pleaded and cried into the silence
I’ve felt him drift to the other side of the bed
My thoughts of him ran wild
And seeped into reality

I’ve been the girl who called him over and over
I’ve pleaded and cried into his voicemail
I’ve said this was the last time I would call
My voice choking on the words
And hung up with a lonely goodbye

I’ve been the girl who begged him to stay
I’ve pleaded and cried into my hands
I’ve blocked the door in protest
My arms spread across the threshold
And asked if he still loved me

I’ve been the girl left alone in an apartment
I’ve pleaded and cried into the blank walls
I’ve packed my things and ghosts of him
Walked across the now foreign home
And left behind the memory of who we were

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
That sweltering afternoon
With your thick, rough hands
Pressed against me

I focused on any part of the room
That wasn’t you
Fixed my gaze on a poster on your wall
And listened to the box fan on the floor
Trying my best to drown out
The sounds coming out of your mouth

I never said stop
But I wanted you to
Quit kissing me with your foreign lips
Feeling the stubble on your jaw
Rub my face raw
Smell your soured breath from cigarettes

I counted the seconds
Until it was over
When you rolled off of me
I wanted to shout and scream
Hateful and ugly things
But I was silent in that unmade bed

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
With you, but thoroughly alone.

there was never any contentment in being alone for you
the presence of another is a feeling you always craved
having someone to talk to into the night about nothing
the weight of them on the other side of the warm bed

the sound of loneliness was almost too much to bear
the quiet shutting of cabinets in the dark moonlight
leaving lights on in an empty apartment to feel alive
the singular towel hanging from the bathroom wall

you wanted the comfort of another to hold onto
the smell of them lingering in the pillowcase
having their fingerprints leave marks on the tabletop
the noise of their slumber lulling you to sleep

there was a certain chaos to being by yourself
the treacherous territory of idleness and boredom
learning how to make dinner for only one
the unfamiliarity of discovering who you are

you felt that home was when you were with another
the taste of their lips in the pale morning light
hearing their voice behind closed bedroom doors
the discarded clothes strewn across the room

being alone felt heavier than anything you ever knew
because you knew the only company
you were able to keep
was your own

she waited for him to erase her
as he put his pencil to paper
and created her
he traced the upturn of her smile
precisely picturing the laugh that proceeded
he sketched out the smoothness of her legs
intentionally illustrating the eagerness inside
he outlined the curve of her shoulders
carefully capturing the sadness contained
he shaded in the color of her hair
deliberately detailing her fallen darkness

in his eyes
she was more beautiful
than she could ever see herself
but with every stroke
she flinched
fearing that only inches away
from his creation
was her demise

she liked the color yellow because it calmed her
its brightness soothed her soul
and the sight of a yellow flower
always brought her joy
it illuminated her dark days
and stormy weather
it always seemed to try so hard
to be happy
A quality she could relate to

but one day, she met a boy who liked orange
a color she always said she hated
its hue too close to yellow
but too different to be enjoyed
she never wore the color orange
felt as if it drew attention to her
when she was content enough
to be invisible
in the corner of the room

her favorite color was yellow
and his was orange
but she never liked that color
with its harshness and severity
it reminded her
of traffic cones
and reflector vests
of emergencies
and warning signs

But one day, she realized
he reminded her of the color yellow
he soothed her soul
illuminated her dark days
and calmed her storms
he never seemed to try too hard
but always managed to make her smile

she realized yellow and orange
weren't that different after all
and when the two hues came together
her, perpetually the color yellow
him, forever orange
she felt like the only girl in the room

the colors yellow and orange
started to bleed together
and orange came to remind her
of fallen leaves
and clear sunsets
of butterflies
and sprinkled zest

and in time
as she grew to love him
the color orange started to become
just as beautiful as yellow