i am not the swan that graces azure ponds
i am not a barbie doll wrapped in polyethylene
then why must you look at me?
you could caress the nebulae that blink hopefully in the night sky
you could hold in your hand the green groves that span for thousands of years
i am neither and for that you should turn your gaze
please lift me off the pedestal
and throw me in the sewer where i can bathe in my own flesh
go find your muse amongst the forget-me-nots and roses
and forget me where you don't belong

i lift the blade like a glass of champagne
sweet on the tongue
heat bubbling up from some place that's
buried so deep that only the ashes
from the cigarettes i smoke and
the pitiful tears i choke back
can settle there.
here's to the new year
in a body that's a killer
and a mind that wanders
through field of dandelion and forget-me-nots
and forgets. What it's like to not have
that gnawing sense of urgency and worry
with every step i take down the inevitable path
that keeps spiraling out of my own control.
my heart is god knows where, i'd imagine its floating
in a sewer. decomposing. breaking down in to what
every unique human is exactly made out of.
ashes to ashes
and dust to dust
i'm so sorry i let you down in the worst way
please sleep peacefully.

Now I know what I've lost:
Reaching for what's nothing but unspoken heartbreak and icy air.
You've locked the door on me and rearranged your heart,
Now I don't know the code.

the only thing worse than
being looked at with disgust
is melting into the walls
and not being looked at
at all

you know you shouldn't wish for
the perverts at the bar to eat you up
their spider eyes crawling all over you
leaving a slime trail on your most
sensitive bits

but it feels so empty and cold
to be nursing a ***** slime
your lipstick and hair crying out
for even the vilest of men
and all you get is a
heyisyourfriendsingle?

i am transparent
i am unnoticed
i am baby hiding in the corner
but there's no one around to care

do whatever it takes to be that girl
drink too much baby duck
paint your eyes cotton candy
sharpen your nails into talons
but this only washes you out more
like an old rag hung to dry for eternity
when the maid has bought newer ones
more efficient/
prettier with bigger *****.

you might as well jump through the cracks
before you get kicked down there anyways.

i'm a speck of dust so small
in the vast emptiness of the sea
giants storm in from the sky
and spit poison down at me

the devil came to me one day
and made a plastic mold out of the girl
who was once flesh and bones like you
so
tell me of your secrets and hopes and dreams and god
and watch my rigid frame leak blood puddles
and paw inky hand prints on your puzzled face.

with the caress of the holy spirit i seize
and convulse against our father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy--

at night i see him pray over me and  
sometimes i see you
and i wake up and try to revert back
to fastidious granite stone
and although his actions froze me solid,
yours melt
and i remember his heathen fingers
his touch turning snow driven skin
to the blackest hue of cancer

(thy kingdom come,
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven)

if it's done in heaven as it is on earth
i would rather rot in hell

pull the plug on me before
i switch off the breaker.
perturbed you glance as
condolences roll off my lips
and fine sherry slips past them.
nothing was meant to be rosy and
in the black of our feelings,
the devil moves in me
as you are meant to.
the circuit in my halo
is calling *******
and bast is laughing,
coughing ugly colours from her lungs.
puce must be our hamartia
and when it dribbles down my face
i make leaf piles out of
the skin cells and ugly rivers,
and you take breathing for granted.

but you don't give up that easily,
and when i'm filling my bathtub with wine
you're there to lap it up.