You said you like games
and you like to win
That's something we have in common being astrological twins
But at this point
I can't keep playing them again
The frustration is killer
I feel like tearing off my skin
I shouldn't have to get drunk
To find my sanity within

Your eyes are mirrors of
the blue ocean sea,
and I'm drowning with
every look,
you take of me.
Your stature is tall,
and you have a look of
pride,
but your heart is soft
and gentle,
which drives me wild.
Such delicate skin,
and a soul warming
smile,
you bring peace to my
fierce spirit,
I hope you stay for a
while.

You are the cool blue water,
that flows from the
purest of rivers,
with a heart as warm as
a summer's night.
Gentle and soft,
you are a sunflower
blooming,
that just needs to be
watered right.
Tender love and
affection is all you ask,
but you tend to hide
behind this cold mask.
You are the true beauty
of this green Earth,
and you should never
have to question your
value or worth.

You hate the fact that I sleep too much
But you also hate the fact that I don't sleep enough
What exactly do you want from me: I  don't know
But I can give you the brightest glow just in my smile
And that sparkle in my eye that drives you wild
My depression doesn't define me
because I am a beauty, your queen
But if you can't handle the darkness of me as well
Then obviously you aren't fit to be my king

The thing that makes me the happiest human in the world is truly making you smile
Seeing you laugh and turn pink whenever I plant the softest kiss on your nose and cheeks
or kiss your lips with a silly fish face just fills me with the greatest gratitude to the universe
for giving me the sweetest love I've ever knew

After all you said
about being there for me
through thick and thin
and you loved me for who I was
and not the sexiness of my skin
You said this time you wanted to stay, to marry me
but
It was my depression that drove you away.

My body feels like light air
in a reality where I don't feel completely there
Neither comfortable or out of place
I'm simply wandering through this space
My starry eyes are fixated on time
my colorful thoughts are worded in rhymes

I have recluded deep inside my mind

Maybe those secret nights of us tangled together in bed
and feeling like cozy newlyweds
will soon fade to you
But in the book of my mind
where you are inscribed
those memories will last
my entire lifetime

I remember being too scared
to climb on the tire swing
We karate kicked it
We laughed so hard
I felt like a little kid again
We got lost in each other
that the time had slipped
And in that darkness
your eyes were still just as bright
as the stars above us.

I thought about the
midnight starry sky
in my head.
Passed out drunk
and blushing red
stretched out giggling
laying on your bed.
*** in my eyes
but innocence
in my smile.
Slurring speech
while nibbling love bites
under the moonlight
lust filled the air
in that starry night sky
from where it all begun.

she was quiet
and always kept to herself
her face was soft
and her smile was innocent

although she's shy
don't mistake her for naive
because behind that smile
was a snarky smirk  
and if you looked in her eyes
you could see the sharp disinterest

This weight in my chest
is slowly
crushing,
and breaking my small
spirit.
Its aching,
and sore.
I'm not thinking straight anymore.
Nothing soothes it.
It'll always be a bruise.

"Five minutes with you
made up for 2 months of
depression
10 minutes with you
gave me the hope i had
lost long ago
I dont know what five
hours gave me, but its a
burning passion inside
With you i dont know
right from wrong
Temptations consumed
me
Love guided it
Rage supported it
Sadness inspired it
My vessel tried to
explore your sea, but
the waves were too treacherous"

-Mal

Self criticism.
Awkwardness.

Conflicted personality.

I spend hours on end
perfecting my looks.
Eyeliner to energize my eyes,
blush to bring affection
into my smile,
compassion,
and pink lips
to mesmerize you.

But inside I'm a storm raging
of self doubt.
I have demons inside,
that I can't hide
by my superficial skills,
no matter how hard I try.
It doesn't work.

What's wrong with you?

I thought I was fine.

But you're not. Do you hear yourself?

I'm talking to myself. This has become normal.

How come some days you're fine? You're energized,
lively, fun, and outgoing?
Then on others, you can't even get words out
loud enough?
I don't understand myself anymore.
But I'm trying. God, I'm trying.

I'm a mess.
A scattered mess. I can't breathe.
What do I look like to other people?
Do I care?
I'm causing my own demise.
I'm digging my own grave.
I am my own enemy.
I am my own worst enemy.

A girl who's trying to balance herself.

You are the comfort of a
warm blanket,
wrapped tight around
my body
in those chilly winters.
You are the soft
spring breeze,
that makes the grass
gently sway.
Like the sun that hangs
faithfully in the sky,
you're my lifeline that
saves me,
everyday.

I want late night drunk calls
about who gives a **** what.
I want your **** opinionated voice
ringing in my ears.
I want you to **** me
by only intriguing my mind.
I want someone open
and honest
That doesn't leave me blind.
I want poetry
of how the alcohol that burns in your throat feels just
as if you're saying my name.

Like a loopy bumble bee
filled with carefree
wanderlust
buzzing through the spring alone
Until I found you
my bullheaded
Scorpion
With a structured and
grounded, practical heart
that became my
welcoming
honeycomb ❤

cigarette smoke and black n milds
im tired of things that dont matter to me
from a dystopian family
to my unfulfilled being
im sick of things swallowing me
the wind blows and the trees rattle
no stars tonight
but when will i be free
manipulation and guilt
im trapped in walls of 3
family
careers
and who i want to be

I hate being vulnerable
and showing any weakness
But I wish I could show you just how much you've broken my heart into pieces
For a while I didn't know why I stayed
Thought at this point you were disposable
But when the tears started falling
I called you for closure
Why are you doing this to me?
Is it revenge?
These mind games,
once you begin there is no end
Somehow I know everything you said wasn't a lie
And just like the break ups before
this isn't really a goodbye

i want to grow old with you
own three kids
two twins
several cats
in a lovely country flat

i want to feel your body heat
each night
cuddled up
while holding each other tight

i want to cook breakfast with you
only in our underwear
dancing
singing
a sight that the kids would be too embarrassed to bear

i want to walk down the aisle
and see you at the end
dressed in your finest with that cute hidden smile
knowing that it was worth it to go the extra mile

Here comes the heavy heart
and ******* thoughts already beginning to start.
Here comes the feeling of my face turning embarrassingly hot from  finding out something I more than likely should have not.
Here comes the "**** it" attitude mixed with "I'm really ******* ****** at you".
Here comes the passive aggression with built up tension; but nevertheless, I hold my thoughts inside because of my worthless transparent pride.
Here comes the overall "what's the point anymore when all the side effects of love just leave me sore?"

my mind is filled with **** thats seeping into my heart.
my words feel foreign and your response isn't always warming and that's why i keep my ******* mouth shut.

4 in morning
Street lights blinding
The sound of wind crying
The rain hits my face
Reminding me that life is calling
My minds stalling
Clinging to sleep
But my eyes won't follow
Day by day
This numbness settles
That my dreams may be nothing
At expense to this dense
Hollow plane
That we call reality
But feels like pain
What is there to gain
Through loss of perception
Of this seeming blessing
Every day is a lesson
To buck up
And not **** up
Tormenting my soul
My body's adjusting to the cold
Far reaching
To this land
Of far away desires
To my ultimate admires
Maybe there I'll be
An elegant flower
In spite of the weather
Finally having my **** together

From a cheeky smile
to swollen eyes
able to change from a loud
carefree soul
to a silent volcano
able to erupt any minute
able to form friendships eagerly
but drop them suddenly

A social lone wolf

Viewed by my right brain
as lively, intuitive, an old soul

Viewed by my left brain
as questionable, bipolar,
and deeply morose

All in all
just an alien to myself

A prism of light and dark
with many different sides
stuck in my head
balancing on the edge
between sanity and insanity
all hidden by this
dimpled grin

Simple arguments
Pouty lips
Im a constant headache
With relief in between
But looking at your smile
Cant help but make
My fragile lil heart
Sing

Although its not evident
Im glad to be your Queen

I’m losing myself

Maybe I haven’t worked on myself
Everything isn’t about me
I don’t know what I want
I feel lost
and I feel like no one understands me.

No one listens anymore,
and I can’t even hear myself.

I’ve fallen upon deaf ears.
And no one did it to me,

just myself.

life is weird. life is lonely. we have all these people that love us. we all have friends and family, but somehow life still ends up feeling lonely for each of us. i believe that we'll always feel that way, but life really isn't terrible. feelings and emotions can muster into things you never expected. they can take a shapeless form. not to be fake deep, but feelings propel and restrain. feelings rustle, feelings harbor inside and out. with me knowing that, it's hard to stay upset. i'm not necessarily happy, i'm **** ******* lonely. but i can only hope that there's things like internal success and interaction that can make me feel full for a bit. i wanna be something for people. i wanna be what i want to be in this world and more, while i'm here. from the moon to the stars, i wish to be tranquil, happy, loving and loved.

I don't want small talk
that only leads to you making a move.

There is no such thing as "casual dating" for me:
A relationship goes far beyond physical aspects.

What's the point if you're not mentally there?

I don't want empty love
built on tolerance and indifference,
and quick loss of interest.

I want slow burning passion.

I want fights and arguments,
raw emotion,
ecstasy, and meaningful ***.

Life is too profound to settle for anything less.

she was the kind of crazy people thought they liked
had a bit of a wild streak
not much of a filter
and didn't really distinguish who could get with her

at least
that what they thought was all to her

in reality
behind that beautifully masked facade

she was a fragile girl
going through the world
looking only for affection
with maybe just a hint of validation

her eyes dreamed for the world
thinking she was ready
going head first but never steady
not afraid of difficult feats
but quick to leave if her desires never meet

maybe she was fickle
loathed tediousness
and badgering of regrets
(also, the grossness of sweat)

but on the contrary
her patience was weary
and with the dullness of life
she was starting to lose her faith in faeries

maybe a bit scary

but you
you loved her
full and through
and there was nothing
you would not do
just to hear that goofy laugh
and see that dimpled grin

you finally came to terms with it,

your love for her was a blissful sin.

Its 2:30 am
and
here I am blowing cigarette smoke
into the wind
While sitting under the cloudy skies
I desperately wish to dissolve
into the night

loud music
drowning out soft cries

desperate eyes.. tired eyes..
I've given up everything eyes..
they look even darker than usual

"Do you sleep at all?"
"You look tired."

razors everywhere
engraved loneliness
dripping blood

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

take three pills
I wish I had alcohol

"Stop the sad faces, smile more :)"

The thought of being without you
doesn't make my chest sink like it used to
I can listen to our old songs and smile happily to myself
without going wild from crushing memories
I don't know how I feel about you now
but it's not bitterness
or even regret
I loved being loved
and showering you in affection
but now I must fall in love with myself
and realize that even being alone is a blessing

And after all we been through
Whenever I hear "Wonderwall"
I still think of you..

I don't have a way with words.
I'm constantly saying **** I don't mean or when I do say what I mean
It only hurts.
I'm constantly misunderstood no matter the way I word and align these letters.
My mind is not put together and the way I express myself isn't any better.

*I'm sorry.

Nights like this I can't seem to function.
The Wellbutrin and Klonopin aren't
working anymore.
No matter if I double the dose.

I want to be happy.
I want to be loving.
But I'm going insane in my mind
and I want to pluck every strand of my hair out.
I want to tear off this skin
and smash my brain in
so my thoughts can finally roam freely
and not racing in my head.

As I walk through the halls,
I barely exist.
It's all a drift.

The full moon hung in the inky sky,
accompanied by tiny glimmering stars.
The chilly summer air kissed my skin,
giving me goosebumps that reminded me
that I was alive.
That this world was mine.

The darkness of the night filled me,
with a surge of lust, power, and freedom.
Your bright eyes held an enigmatic spark,
that magnetized my midnight mirrors.
Time had become stagnant.
There was a magic,
so passionate,
planets moved.

Wipe those tears away
and fix your face
Clean the blood
thats dripping down
your arms

You're going to be wearing long sleeves for a while.

God forbid these scars are seen
or right back to the mental hopsital
you go

The word pathetic
         Lingers in my mind
                         like a bad song

I should've stood in the freeway
That night you drove me home

         I'm worthless ****
To think
  that you would think more of me
               Than just a fun time
While you were ******* around
              I was losing my mind
The words you didn't say
              Said more than what you didnt

And when you gave up
         And drove off
             Leaving me in the street
I knew
I was better off
*Dead

Even though I've been battered,
bruised,
and torn,
I know if I stumble,
and lock eyes with your hazels,
I'll truly melt inside.

Blood boiling
Ears ringing
Constant ******* screaming
So that you would understand
Why this **** has meaning.

Bitter cold
This is getting old.
How come I wasn't told?
A month later
Pieced together
With no sure clue
As to who was true.
But I did the easiest thing
And cut the last string
Between me and you.

Grown tired of feeling dumb.
I am finally numb.

Days of the week start to frustrate me,
and overwhelms my anxiety

Tears no longer have any meaning,
and that's why none are shed

The only time I'm truly free
is when I'm asleep dreaming
which is why I've taken an attachment to my bed

The razor in my drawer going across my wrist sounds all too pleasing
but how can I live if I'm dead?

I picked up the pen
and paper again
Only where will my
journey begin?
Fluttering hearts
frozen with chills
trying to defrost with
nothing but beer.

As the cold winter breeze harshly hits my face
I think till I'm numb
Then curse myself
for ever letting you slip away

My heart is ****** and bruised,
because you were my muse
for everything.
I'd give my entire soul,
if you needed it.
I told you I'd never give up on you
no matter how hard it got.
And you said the same.
But then things changed.
You said you couldn't give me what I needed,
but I didn't care.
You filled me with life,
and love,
and that's all I wanted.
You said you didn't want something serious.
You said you couldn't treat me like a girlfriend should be treated,
that you didn't feel like being a boyfriend.
You said you didn't feel like being in a relationship.
But after you cut off all ties with me,
you went to her.
The same one you said I didn't have to worry about.


Now my mind won't stop plaguing my with the constant thoughts,
"What was wrong with me?"

roaming through the desert of a foreign land
blood on my hands
armor made from the pieces of sand
bleeding out
unable to shout
there are no echos
or other lifeforms to hear my pleas
dying of thirst
i drop to knees

until behold

a shadowy figure looms over me
holding a canteen
smiling ferociously

unable to speak
desperation fills my eyes
eyes dried up not able to cry

no empathy
a statue of apathy
with a slow stare
you vanish right past me