What I learned from this world
is that you can't expect loyalty from someone else.

It does not matter how close you are.

The only loyalty you are sure to get is from you to yourself.

Just when I start to feel lighter
and brighter
You bring your dark storm clouds
and heavy rain showers
You shake up this temporary euphoric world I created
And knock me back into the brim of hell's realm

Chilly winters
where your frozen fingertips feel like splinters
across my gentle skin

do you even care?

That im here wasting away
your smile plagues me
my words begin to sound like a sad melody

do you even care?
do you even care?

These cigarettes are making me lightheaded
the bed doesnt feel the same
Your laugh is all that plays

repeatedly,
repeatedly,

These sad songs dont suit me
but you're entrusted in my memory
saved
but unwillingly
I'll sing sweet songs and drink till
Im smiling endlessly

repeatedly
repeatedly

Its this strangling feeling in my chest,
my throat is shut dry.
No words can describe it
This eternal empty feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
This feeling of water welling in my head,
about to overflow behind my eyes.

Has hiding behind sarcasm
and vagueness
dismissiveness
become our coping methods?

These walls made from brick
are not as thick
as the passion in the air

It's not fair that time has to suffer
and continue on
because our minds
aren't strong enough
to match the resilience
of our hearts

frostbitten finger tips
anchoring me down to this useless town
but this plaguing feeling of emptiness cant even hold me down
words that wont surface are buried underneath
im scared as to who my next victim might be
maybe I'll be docile and quiet as usually
but this lingering yearning
wont shake me free
i want to be more
for the whole world to see
but will anyone ever notice my pleas?

rose gold eyes
with a smile that hypnotized
and covered up her lies
will her beauty only be defined
by whats on the outside?

mentally sharp razor blades going across
her skin
where her demons begin
will the world ever notice her
for what's truly within?

with tears streaming down my face
bathed in sorrow
i emerged from my sullen state
to a figure lending a hand
eyes swollen
but the aura was clear
felt like a familiar warmth
from a masked entity
wiped the streams
and invoked light beams
shining throughout me
wings expanding
i would finally fly

Around hundreds of faces
surrounded, breathless
continuously drowing in plain sight
how can anyone feel this alone?
Its a mystery
with easily accessible friendships
but my fingertips dont match
going through my day's briskly
barely taking in the scenery
clinging to my only escape,
sleep.
Measly laughter
repetitive chatter
when will I be fulfilled?
Wasting away in this hollow density
daydreaming of leaving the city
Im waiting for my breakthrough
slowly
slowly
slowly
Let my destiny come to me
I'm waiting,
impatiently,
I'm waiting

why do you fill me with artificial love
and give me artificial smiles
and tell me hopeless lies

you are ripping my heart out of my ******* chest
and tearing me in half and I can't bare it
and you wonder why I'm so depressed
all I ever wanted was for you to stay

I'm never ever good enough
They'll always be a flaw in me
that you only magnify

We put up these acts
we beg for each other
but treat each other like a push away

Stop throwing me away whenever you don't get your way.

I started writing again as a way to cope with the silence, constantly blaming myself with internal violence
Because it's me, and always will be
My vision is skewed
Maybe it's not you
It's just me,
And always will be

I wonder if the end's creeping up soon.

she was filled with poetry
destruction in her voice
but love in her words
she scared you
instead of turning towards you
she turned the mirror
forced to look at your reflection
you succumbed to weakness

listening to the songs of your heart
holding back tears
welling behind my eyes
chest caving
can't think
im not breathing right

you take my breath away
and stick it in your box
where your feelings hide
closed off
sealed in
tucked tight

im too tired to fight
hold me
kiss me
miss me
come alive
and bring me back with you

i dont want to be a zombie
im begging
please
please
open the box
relinquish detrimental thoughts
im scared
im screaming
wake up
wake up
wake up

please, wake up

She was the girl who daydreamed
with stars in her eyes
love on the brain
walking through life
embracing the rain
rose petal cheeks
that you couldn't help
but slyly sneak a peek

She was the girl of your dreams
or so it seemed
cuddled in bed
lovestruck for dead
soft whispers
and faint snores
you fell in love
with this romantic folklore
despite the internal warning
there was this emotional warming
of frost bitten desires
that she easily
reignited with a sensual,
slow burning fire

lights dimmed
only our silhouettes shown
body to body
hand in hand
you lead the way to a foreign land
body heat radiating
ice cream melting
along with our clothes
your eyes held a gateway to your soul
I inched in little by bit
in the darkness held a familiarity so dear
I couldn't help but draw near
no trespassing
caution
forbidden
in the depths of your heart
I could live in

The way you hug me while resting your head on my lap never fails to make my heart melt

rolling with the punches
faint smiles
can barely look in your eyes
without losing my breath
im drowning inside my love
cant swim
panicking
lungs filling with the thought of you
eyesight blackening
reaching out
while standing at the lifeboat
through watery eyes
I watch you
turn your back

It was a 10:54 a.m. morning breeze
as I stood waiting for the bus
harvest leaves pranced in the roads
while cars drove by
pushing the autumn sweetness

A happy image of your
best friend Josh's face came to mind,
followed by a faded remembrance
of how in love we were
last year around this time
but
the faint numbness
settling in my chest
reminded me
that those days were long gone

At 10:57
the bus slowed to a halt
the doors opened
and I remembered
I will be sixteen
this Fall.

*******
rubbing
i love that good loving
that *******
**** me down n release urself
until i start choking
vibrating
fit me like a glove
tell me what u love
about my
sweet
pink matter
that u say taste like cake batter
thrusting
lusting
ive finally become accustomed
to begging on my knees
for ur *******
with affection
i want u, daddy,
to teach me a lesson

fleeting symphonies of you speaking to me
can't help but play on repeat
over and over
a dead track that lacks expression
how could it stir my depression
rewind back the tape of you kissing on the nape of my neck
oh so tenderly
treating me as if my body could break with such fragility
whisper inside me and tell me the story of how you fell in love
with cheesy lines of "it started way back before..."
before arguments were arguments that were settled with just a smile and a kiss
before I spoke to you
and was just a loner past due of a hug and friendship
sensual-ship
love making risks
"did I *** too fast?"
"was it too quick?"
before we made a secret code
and you were told
"hey she thinks you're cute"
when the awkward silences unfold
high school love that never expired
and something about that smile
could never make you tired
and if anything drove you wild
replaying on repeat

there has been so much death
around me
pain and suffering
happening all too quick
through that
i learned not to take the present
for granted
experiencing the feeling of
being alive
having emotions
loving something
while they're here
is truly a blessing
every day i have you
i will thank the universe
for keeping you safe
and allowing me to be in your world
even if it is just for a little while
longer

She doesn't have the fairest snow white skin, and naturally straight silky hair. If it isn't the common stereotypical European looks that would classify her as beautiful, it would be the way she covers her smile when she's shy, or the way she glows when you remember just a small detail about her that shows you care. What makes her beautiful is her bright butterscotch skin and deep dark eyes that you say "has a sparkle in them", outlined with bags that has nothing to do with how much sleep she has. What makes her beautiful is the way she nestles into your neck and makes the sweetest sighs. What makes her beautiful is the way she can go from a raging storm destroying everything in her path, to a seductive flirt who always gets her way, to a truly sweet innocent girl who makes the cutest baby-like noises that you start to catch yourself doing too and it becomes you two's own secret language. What makes her even more beautiful, is that to others she looks cold and detached, but to you, you see a whole broad spectrum within her that she gladly opens to you, and only you.

im not drowning
and thats the scary part
im floating admist my sorrows
fears
dreams
realities
i have the key to fix things
but there's always a catch
isnt it?

this may be long overdue
and my vision may be askew
but the way I feel with you
no matter the way I try to overthink it
my heart would never deceit

you're engraved in my mind
and overtime
the wind has still not eroded
the day you first made my heart explode

Where's an outlet when you need it? Searching for power
Power in myself
In my words
Power to let go and finally disperse

I say
Mouth shut
Too damaged to work

And our meeting was just a thrill I was meant to experience in order to become more real
The fuller version of me that I kept repressing finally combust and catapulted me in the right direction
To find a love that would accept me
And honor me
By showing up with respect and full authenticity
Transparency is not earned, it is a must and
Fated or not
Predetermined or not
No longer will I let Cupid’s arrow being shot take away what I was born with inherently
A love that I am deserving of and is my true destiny
Momentary desires are fleeting compared to a slow burning fire that nurtures and inspires
So maybe you were nothing more than a spontaneous flicker
That fizzled out once you realized my flame was indeed, much bigger

How can you look me in my eyes
And withhold so many lies?
Is it that I am naive to believe that people do still have common decency?
What is it about me that just screams   not worth the effort or work?

This steel knot in my throat is suffocating
the life out of me
keeping me from speaking my thoughts freely
letting them accumulate inside
like an infestation
of confusion
and frustration.

My thoughts are whirring
in and out of my ears
I’m pulling my hair
and breaking these glasses
in replace of my voice box that is lacking.
These gnawing parasites are stuck
in my growing pale
limp body
the darkness has spread and
the angels have died
I want so desperately to tear off my skin
and rip out this heart
so maybe then
I could have a fresh start.

Leave, I don't blame you.*
I'd even abandon me if I could.

"The days have been
passing as slow as a
turtle
But why is it every time
we draw near, eternity
feels like an instant
Entering your aura was
like remembering a
memory you cant fully
remember
You struggle to recall
but you know you're
imagining false images
The memories are
slightly gone
Make new ones
The tender touch of your
skin was like fluid to a
dying flame.
Spontaneous.
Magnificent. The only
flame i want to feel.
Half of me is bold, half of me is fragile
One eye showing
courage, one eye watered
When it comes to you, i
dont know which path i
should take"

-Mal

I'm prepared to wait for you
faces dull in comparison
to your love

I won't rush
instead
I'll trust the look
in your eyes
that exposes your lies

I'll smile and be happy
knowing that you're
growing
into an even
greater man

and I'll try my best
to cultivate enough love
to be a better version
of the woman
you first fell for

kissing your lips was like
taking a bite of
that forbidden passion fruit
that ****** us all
I saw my future call
but I couldn't answer
now that emptiness envelopes me
I wonder
if that
sweet
rebellion
would've set
me
free

I wish I could wear
my heart on my sleeve
so I can be seen
for what I really am
I am composed of many things
but most of all
I am tender and sensual
and I try to be gentle
But I know for sure that
I'm not the most simple

I want to stare into your eyes
where they are free from lies
I want you to see within me
where you can be free
I want to melt you in soft kisses
and heal the blisters left by clumsy others

dull, gray faces
compared to your eyes
these things mean nothing
compared to how you make me feel

this may be a deal breaker
but I want to be your only love maker

look me in my eyes
and tell me you don't realize
that my heart beats for you
and that my feelings are true
though I have no right
I've had this fight for too long
and your smile is my favorite song
I'm love sprung

laugh at me
brush me off
even if my face turns hot
this feeling inside my heart
will not burn out

this isn't an apology
but instead an anthology
of past mistakes
I'd like to break and amend
with the admittance of my sins
and offering of everything
I have within

I just want to be left alone
to read my books,
write my poetry,
and listen to my music
in peace.
I'm too tired
to stand up. I'm too tired
to talk.
I want to be left alone
to sleep.

I swear I don't mean to look
like a *****.
I am just ******* TIRED.
I am just
really tired
and weak.

Since last night
my voice has left me
and I haven't been able
to say a word.

Instead of trying
to find that sound
I have simply
given up.

I'm drowning
             and slowly seeping
                             in to the abyss of nothingness.
I'm reaching out,
I'm reaching out,
                              but I'm too far gone.

I'm choking on my own words,
and no one can save me
but maybe a bottle of whiskey.
I need to be sedated,
                      I'm tired of feeling
                                            crazy.

Fire burns me alive inside
till I'm numb on the outside.

My whole world is crashing,
                  I'm dying under the sun.
I'm trying to run,
                    but my feet are grounded.
I'm trying to scream
                              to wake up from this dream.

when skies were blue
and the air was clean
near lofty trees
in the spring breeze
that's where I met you

short, but with
a very tall personality
demanding attention
but also reserved
with a demeanor unflinching

my eyes traveled
scoped you,
mysterious
I wanted to know your world
your apple in my hand
is what I behold

Locked in a cage
My mind's in a maze
Even though the door is open

I. cannot. escape.

Nowhere to turn, nowhere to run
No beginning nor from
Just forward
And only forward.

I want to wake up to the sun pouring through the windows and onto your sleeping face where you look so peaceful.
I want to spend a Sunday doing absolutely nothing with you but lay in bed together and watch Netflix. Maybe smoke a joint and watch a super funny movie.
I want you to see me in a tank top and boxers with my hair a mess and think that I am just a perfect soul(even though I'm not).
I want to roll around on your bed with you and just be silly and annoying.
I want to fall asleep in your embrace just to wake up in the morning and see your cute bedhead and sleepy face smiling and wonder, "How could I be so blessed?"

though i know what the future beholds
am i selfish for wanting to hold onto
this thought
this dream
that you're more
than what your words
and actions
appear to seem?

Shot after shot the tears start to diminish
Topped with prescription pills for the finish
I don't want to die anymore
I just want a break every once in a while from this life that feels like a heavy chore

In a space so filled,
how could I feel so lonely?

Who knew that in the depths of misery
held a piece of life so sweet?

The way my heart floats when you're near me
or how a memory of you makes me sing

I have a smile that only you can see.

It's closing in
Holding back tears
My nose is running
The stuffed feeling in my head is returning
Burning
Ringing
Trapped in the shower
I can't stop screaming
At these weights
Intruding
Deluding
That's crushing
And crushing
My only safe space