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Tanya Chaudhary Dec 2014
I've always had problems with long words.
Still I can easily pronounce - Athazagoraphobia.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
A hundred many varied pictures
Flicker through my head,
But the one I yearn most desperately
Has found a place to hide.

I know I had it with me,
It’s always been right here,
I only had to think your name
For your image to appear.

It’s tried to slip away before
And I’ve hold on with all my might,
But as the days changed to months into years,
I lost my strength to fight.

I knew this was coming,
But somehow I’m unprepared,
The hints have been so subtle,
Yet I knew that they were there.

It started with your daunting eyes,
How the color seemed different each day,
Your face became less definite
As you slowly faded away.

But still I thought I had more time,
If only with your likeness,
I never thought I’d wake today
To such devastating blindness.

I’ve tried and tried to call you back,
But there’s nothing I can do,
Your image has left me stranded;
I no longer remember you.
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Tanya Chaudhary Jul 2014
Right now melancholy is quite existential.
Hiding in the deluge of rapturous July rain -
**partially a smile, partially a pain.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
My office window overlooks a frail tree.
When the sun is bright,
I can see some of its hues.
When the clouds go dark,
I can see its blues!

My office window overlooks a frail tree.
When its windy,
I can see its strength.
When its hot & humid,
I can see its parchedness.

My office window overlooks a frail tree.
It is dancing today.
The rain has beckoned.
**Hope is a waking dream.
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
Again I fumbled,
On my head I tumbled.
Again.

Again I smiled,
at my luck
and how he smiles.
Again.

Again I smirked,
on his antics... his words.
Again.

Again I died,
the chill when he touched.
Electricity of love and lust.
Again.

Again I was born,
knowing that he exists,
even though he isn't in my life's scheme.
Again.

Again I fall in love.
Everyday. Everytime.
Always Again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-EsUYQ6xrk
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
Perhaps
If I walk on enough flowers
or maybe shatter
ample hearts,
I may just forget the fact
that
I am made of broken parts.
Tanya Chaudhary Nov 2014
"Oh, I love that movie."

"I love that show."

"I love that song."

                                     To all those statements
                                       I give him some reply,
                                           when every time
                                        I just want to write


                                                         ­                       "and I love you."
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
We can be strangers again.
Laugh again. Flirt again.
Cry again. Smirk again.
Create memories afresh.
When in doubt, hit refresh.

But memories, they are tricky.
The moments that you love or hate,
simply go away in time-lapse
and somehow become the scars in your heart
that seem to define you.
© TanyaC. 2015.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
From Hello :) to Goodbyes.

You blink once,
it is broad daylight.
You blink twice,
You are next sleeping with the love of your life.
You blink thrice,
It was all disguise, you realize.
Blink the fourth time,
You are crying under the deep dark skies.
Blink some more, and
You are reminiscing the times,
getting lost again in his dark brown eyes.

Change.
A word with a world inside.
It happens in small, unnoticeable fractions,
but leaves more rubble
than earth-smashing tremors.

Change.
*A word that makes me sad and hopeful,
at the very same time.
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
Musings and muse,
and the constant desire of ending this diabolical truce.
Luckily, it's going to rain today.

#attemptathaiku
Tanya Chaudhary Jul 2014
She yearned to meet that mountain.
The one that was impossible to scale.
The trek was tough.
But, because of her grit, she climbed the impossible.
She was in love with that high mountain.
Ah! What a sight it was. She spanned her eyes to the left and the right.
The magnanimity of the view.
The snow caped mountains. The sun brimming bright.
Not a sight of a single soul. Just birds flying high,
the nature playing a tune that was hypnotizing.
She felt accomplished.

Suddenly, she discovered she has vertigo.
**THE END.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
I've spoken so many honest lies to myself,
That now I have start believing
That
Truth is fictitious.

Convenience is convenient.
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
Don't flatter yourself. You aren't any special a human being. But, I fail to explain this to my heart, for it beats at an opposite tune to my disagreeing. I have had conversations with it, deep and intense. It refuses to budge and has a strong defence. I rest my case every single day, for I am a poor Prosecutor. The Judge, my mind holds its hands up, every single time.
Guess, the heart wants what it wants.
Court dismissed.
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
2015.
A blank anthology.
Different authors.
One compiler. I.
And this is -
page 1 of 365.
I hope 2015 is the year where things fall into place. Nevertheless, Happy New Year
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
Somewhere between coffee and stupid talks
And infinite random city tours & walks.

The movie marathons and midday naps
Exquisite food and memories gift wrapped.

G-talk sessions and plane tickets to anywhere with you along
While in the journey, discovering our new favorite song.

Imaginary burn books and death glares,
Silent sentences spoken through stares.

Late night calls and whispers in the dark,
Threatening any guy who dares to break our heart.

Never judging each other and reading one’s mind
My love for ***** and your love for Wine.

“I am undateable” to “Open Up” monologues.
Putting up with the drama of all the loves lost.

Making pop culture references and finding it normal.
I don’t remember the last time we were ever formal.

Of making our fool in front of the ‘classy’ audience
And continuing doing that with elan and confidence.

Our love for wanderlust. Places far and bizarre.
To spend thrifting and getting broke in a hep bazaar.

Overeating and then cribbing about our weight.
To consoling ourselves that “him” is worth the wait.

Of nagging parents and relatives that crib.
Of closing our eyes and letting things slip.

Quick fights and quicker reconciliation.
Sharing deep secrets & deeper confessions.

It is between being mistaken for Lesbians
And being mistaken for Sisters.

Our ballad is a roller coaster ride that only goes up
Our ballad is all these things & more, ready to erupt.
Tanya Chaudhary Jul 2014
I tried to make sense,
of my past tense.
Of lust that, maybe was there.
Of love that was definitely there.
I tried to ponder at length,
how these two are apart.
I tried to close my eyes,
I tried to breathe slow,
But you, your face and smile,
makes both my heart and body smirk and glow.
So, what exactly is the thing that I feel for you.
Then I tried to think at depth,
and decided to match the culprit words "love" and "lust",
And the only word I came up with was - LOST.

*It does not matter that it is me.
Although I look for you in everyone I see.
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
She is a enigma,
Difficult to comprehend,
but easy to pretend.
                                                                ­                                   She is freedom.
                                                        ­                                     Yet she is a desire.
She robs attention,
she steal thoughts.
                                                       ­                               She has a bright smile.
                                                          ­                         Yet she has a dark heart.
You can see the twinkle in her eyes,
but not her scars and her marks.
                                                                ­                       She makes herself fly,
                                                            ­                but inside her heart she lies.
She is a mystery,
An open book to everyone,
To only have each person read a few pages,
And not the entire chapter.
                                                        ­       She plays so many different people.
                                                  With time, she has become a brilliant actor.
She is her person.
                                                         ­                              She is a kaleidoscope.

                        *She is like a splash of rainbow on a canvas,
               later photographed and printed in black and white.
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
Sometimes I feel I am Anaïs Nin.
Sometimes I feel I am Sylvia Plath.
Sometimes I feel I am Dorothy Parker.
Sometimes I feel that I am feeling nothing.
But, most of the time I feel that I feel too much.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
"Hey"
"Hi"
"How was your day?"
"I think I have a CRUSH on you" (Delete)
"I LOVE you." (Sent)
"I wish we could have this conversation face to face...
typing...
typing...
typing..."
"I am sorry" (Delete)
"Goodnight" (Sent)
"Goodbye"
.
.
"You know seeing you smile makes me feel that I am the most fortunate person alive." (Delete)
"You know your smile can bring world peace" (Sent)
.
.
.
.
.
"I keep hoping that you'll talk to me first" (Delete)
"I can feel my lust grow, each time you utter hello" (Delete)
"You know the first time we kissed. It was as if you were drowning and I was the air" (Delete)
"Today my music player went bonkers, it played only those songs that you've sent me" (Delete)
"It's been more than an year and I still miss you like I am missing a limb" (Delete)
"I did not know that bones could ache, until I met you" (Delete)
"Heyyyy! Itzz two am. And thees alcohol tastes like youu." (Delete)
"I have never had so many long nights" (Delete)
"You know I have started writing poems and most of them are about you. So that the love I have for you I can give it to the world. Because you won't take it from me" (Delete)
"Strangers read my poems. They think you are a bad guy. But I keep defending you because you are not. I still love you, I guess. I definitely miss you. Do you?" (Delete)
"How done with me are you?" (Delete)
"I walk past your house so many times. Like a ninja, trying to catch a glimpse of your silhouette. You know I succeeded once!" (Delete)
"I hate the fact that I can't hate you... not even at all" (Delete)
"I keep scratching my skin. But, skin..... I can't even get you out of my soul." (Delete)
"Why wasn't I enough?" (Delete)
"It's funny. You are like a disease that long left me. But, I still get sicker each passing day." (Delete)
"I keep rechecking our past texts exchanged. It helps me believe that you weren't fiction." (Delete)
"I am not working anymore. I think you broke me" (Delete)
"I see your face in every stranger I pass by.  So, I've learnt walking with my head down." (Delete)
"I knew you were broken. So was I. I wish we could have taken our pain together to create something beautiful. A painting of brokenness." (Delete)
"You know they say you know yourself by meeting others. They say it right." (Delete)
"I assume we were never in love, but, we could have been." (Delete)
..
..
..
..
"Hey. Long time. I know you love Scarlett Johansson. Her new movie is out. Want to watch it with me?" (Sent)
"Hey, Hope you are doing well?" (Sent)
"I have started writing poems. You should check them out." (Sent)
"It's been so long that I have seen you. I can hardly remember your face anymore." (Sent)
"I dream about you constantly. I think I still love you" (Sent)
"I miss you" (Sent)

"Hey! I swear my cat did that" (Sent)

**SEEN
Everything happens for a reason. You happened for one too. So, Thank you.
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
The way it began I should have known.
Thinking that it'll work out, how could I be so wrong.
Held the thread of hope for way too long.
But he never came around. He was always gone.
I should have noticed the pattern, the downfall.
Because
**We first made love on a break up song.
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
You came in like a whiff of fragrance
of the most sensational flowers.
You smelled like heaven.

You came in my life like water
to the most parched lips.
You tasted like heaven.

But then came autumn.
And I desperately tried to stick back the leaves
when it’s no longer the proper season.
Everything was going wrong.
But, nothing felt as right as ignorantly loving you.
------------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------
Maybe, on some distant planet light-years away,
the concept "love" might not even exist.
So, I sigh deep to that
and confess to you -
*Dear right person, wrong time,
Just as we said hello, we needed to say goodbye.
PS - I am still hopeful for a right time with HIM. Nothing is permanent. Or is it?
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

That's it.
That's just it.
I said it.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
Who would have thought, what began as a harmless crush
could transform into an undying friendship.
From being just the ‘pretty face’ (handsome actually)
to being the most positive person in my galaxy.

But let me take it slowly
Back-track
because when we first met,
I couldn’t have imagined it like that.

I don’t recall how it begun.
An epiphany. A just like that moment.

But, still, I held my pen and thought I would write to you.
I felt the need to try and tell you,
about all of the things you do.
About your stupid banter
and pulling my leg.
About your annoying laughter
that I hope never ceases, I beg.

I stop, and I smile. And I say thank you, because you're the most refreshing of men.
You are touching lives, and I want you to know,
I am blessed, and speechless, and full of pride to tell you
Happy Birthday.

PS – Thank you for existing.
*PPS – You are getting old, yo!
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
I'm all by myself, once again.
I pour my heart out
with this beloved pen.

Reminiscing all the words
you ever said.
Replaying them over and over,
inside my head.

I know how it feels to love,
But, I'll never love again.

As out of experience I've learnt,
Head over feels > Head over heels
Tanya Chaudhary Jun 2014
Hi and Goodbye.
The story of my life.
Some stay, some leave,

Oh! What a lovely breeze!!!

#Cheerup #Optimist #Hope
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
Imagination conquers the reality
of the ground I walk on.

I was never in love with you,
Only with what we could have been and
What I thought you were.
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
He was delightfully kind
that he left me with enumerable misery.

I was so selfish
that I couldn't give him anything but Love.

*I still cant
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
I need you so that I could live.
So that I could breathe,
the same oxygen that you do.

I need you so that I could feel,
the emotions that I don't,
the touch that is lost.

I need you to hold me tight,
when I witness a tough night.
I need you because I ****** do.
So that I can make you mine,
taste your lips of wine.

I need you so that I could die.
I love you so that is why.
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is,
*Dream
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
What started long ago,
and made me partially blind.
What ended long ago,
and startled my mind!
But,
In retrospect, I am fine.

From
Hazy sun
to mediocre fun,
From
Morose days
to major hedge-ways.
Life was definitely kind.
But,
In retrospect, I am fine.

A while, not long ago,
the days started to become bright and glowed,
the nights became bearable &
the heart eventually stopped singing that popular ode.

In introspect, this was a self created debacle.
A product of my own design.
and

In retrospect, I could have been, all along, fine.
Tanya Chaudhary Dec 2014
There is a sudden charm in the idea of being invisible. I have thought endlessly about being invisible. Maybe, just for a day. I would get up earlier than my usual time. See him sipping tea in his balcony on a wintery morning. Watch him watching this new movie. See him upset, when he doesn't get a parking spot on a lazy day. I would follow him like rivers. And he wouldn't even know that I have already walked past his house 5 times in this past week. I wasn't invisible then. But, I guess I have been invisible to him all along.
Tanya Chaudhary Dec 2014
Dense fog.
Loveless clouds.
Blacks and Greys.
Barks of hounds.

Desolate streets.
Footsteps indiscreet.
Frosty skin.
Icy stares.
Chilly silence, and
nippy air.

I add layer
upon layer.

Of prayer
upon prayer.

and wait for the shivers to begin.
For I have seen colder weather.
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
Why do we care about a person,
who doesn't care about us?

Why does someone loves more,
when the other does not?

Why some memorable decisions seem good,
when you are under the influence?

Why letting go is easy
and moving on so difficult?

Why do I now like the nights
and not the sunshine?

Why do I walk know circles
On a distinct straight line?

Why do I listen to some songs,
knowing that I'll cry?

Why do some people find it so difficult,
to say goodbye?

Why do I question my respect,
Everytime I feel an unfamiliar touch?

Why I still write about you,
when you clearly don't give a ****?

Why am I the joker and the recluse,
at the very same time?


Why something so pure as love,
today seems like a crime?

Why?
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
After so many years,
together and otherwise,
you still make me
weak in my knees
but
to be honest to myself
and brutally candid to oneself
you still
make
my
body
forget
that
it has knees.
At all.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
In my calmer moments
sometimes I wonder:
I'm just a girl trying to make my way in the world as a woman.
Who knows what I truly am?
It's all just living in progress.

Strains of aura,
Strands of thought,
All shifting factors of society, lost
in a world so big, often
I just don't know what I'm supposed to be.

That's okay,
Life is all about discovery.
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
Imagine a scenario:
A crowded bar
A skyful of stars.
You see a silhouette, that seems familiar.
But you have never seem him, no one your dear.
A near perfect man.
Those lips. Those eyes. The smile.
For you, it's love at first sight.

You go out of your comfort zone.
Look at him and coyly grin.
"You seem like a benevolent stranger", he grins.
Is he for real, you think.
You exchange numbers, dance, talk, laugh and wink.
The night seems to sparkle and both of you stay awake in it's shine.
The morning after looks promising.
You claim to yourself - "He is mine."

Spring
Summer
Autumn
Winter
Months go
Time flies.
Vanished, he has. The boy that WAS.

Days later,
Sitting in a neighborhood bar you are drinking alone.
Avoiding any eye contact, drowning in your phone.
Somehow, you manage to see a similar  shadow,
"You seem like a benevolent stranger", says  the boy that IS.
.
.
.
"You seem like a benevolent stranger", says  the boy that WILL

*LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
All YOU ARE LEFT WITH,
ARE SOME HANDFUL OF FLINGS.
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
The first words I hear
Every night:
"What's it going to be tonight?"
These are, oft-times,
The final words too....
Tanya Chaudhary Dec 2014
I am tired of being an empty shell that you find beautiful & eccentric.
I am tired of being a trope made by authors and directors.
I am like war and peace and not like a tissue paper you made me out to be.
I am tired of being your favourite shade of red.
I am tired of being a brush stroke, when I am the entire painting.
I am tired of being pinned to a pedestal.
I am tired of my existence and my name being relative.
I am tired of being a zany sidekick to the male protagonist in the movie that is my life.
I am tired of you thinking that I need help stilling the edges of my narrative, who longs for a tether or a buoy to keep her from flying off or sinking down.
I am tired of being told – unconventional, different and other such synonyms by boys, that I am not like other girls as if they are a disease and I am magic.
I am tired to be known as someone with wacky quirks and idiosyncrasies.
I am tired of being Alaska Young.
I am tired of being Sam from The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I am tired of being Tiffany from The Silver Linings Playbook.
I am tired of being tagged as Sam from Garden State.
Or even Marla Singer from Fight Club.
Or even an Amelie or Penny from Almost Famous.
And every Zooey Deschanel character.
I am a Clementine.
I’m a Sylvia Plath.
I’m a Dorothy Parker.
A Maya and a Margaret.
You see, I am well versed
in death and in silence.
I have my interests and I am like all of the above. But I am “like” them. I am not them.
I am me.
I am scared now.
Scared of boys claiming to be wrapped in barbed wire
but is really a caged petting animal in the zoo.
I am tired of boys who thinks romance is a Hemingway novel.
But, most importantly I am tired.
Tired of men not falling in love with me
but instead falling in love with the idea of me.

Nomoreokaythankyouplease.
Side note to those who don't know what a manic pixie dream girl is: she's "that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures." #manicpixiedreamgirl  

“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive…. But I’m just a ******-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.” (Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind).

http://feminspire.com/im-not-your-manic-pixie-dream-girl/
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
She was painted so attractively.

With flecks of deep red like the fire that burned in her heart.
Flowing auburn and burgundy hair she dyed to feel strong.
Specks of amber that seemed to shine around her body as she yearned to feel bright and happy again.

And a hazy but deep emerald painted in haphazard fashion which contained her jealousy because all she wanted was to be perfect.

Swirls of dark cyan and teal like the tears that dripped off her face.

And the lilac dashes were her moments of serenity where her hands created magic out of paper and pen and her mind was finally put to peace.

The fuchsia smeared across her lips, making her feel a little bit prettier.
Tad bits of maroon like the blood that was shed (figuratively).

She was a colorful girl behind the bland grey veil she hid under,
All to avoid the perils she received in black and white.

*Her life had every shade of color, but they couldn’t form a rainbow!
Tanya Chaudhary Aug 2014
Reckless Abandon.
Major Accident.
Heart Injured.
Hurt.
Pain.
Medication.
Introspection.
Clairvoyance.
Hea­rt repaired.
Functional.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Reckless Abandon . . . . . .
Tanya Chaudhary Sep 2014
"I hate your music, it's nothing but noise!"
I lowered it down, as I just walked by.
I turned around and saw him stare.
I could sense in his eyes, the sentence was "How Dare?"

I guess the perpetual problem was this -
*While he cared about the music, I cared about the lyrics.
Tanya Chaudhary Jan 2015
Today I asked ...
Do we have something?
Did we ever have something?

Today I slipped.
Today the wall hit me.
Today I fall.
But, only to rise.
The Rain today answered for me.

* * * * *
Tanya Chaudhary Nov 2014
Dear Future Lover,

I can only half love you.
I once loved wholly,
and it nearly killed me.
Tanya Chaudhary Nov 2014
I was a recluse.
I was a traveller.
I was a nonconformist.
I was a free spirit.

Then one November evening,
I met YOU.

This nomadic soul,
this gypsy heart,
now wants
a little house in the suburbs
two children
a dog
and your last name.
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
There is something about its weather,
the winter is coming.
the nip in the air, the chill.

I listen to October sing!

The Quiet Nights.
The Wisp of chilly wind.
I listen to October sing.

Night time calls for no light.
I illuminate my own sky.
Dark streets stay stranded, leave empty.
I never question - Why?

I listen to October shout!

I love October
and the promises that come with it.
The season for making some bad decisions
The season for reminiscing past collisions.
The season for creating new envisions.

I listen to October scream!
Tanya Chaudhary Dec 2014
We talk.
We share.
Our words.
In thinner air.
I walk the talk.
You talk the talk &
Don't walk the walk.
In the end I am,
still happy
with our
small
talks.
Tanya Chaudhary Jun 2014
I wake up confused,
Thinking was I used?
Or abused?
Or just misused?

You are recurrent. Unstoppable.
Each night, you seem more audible.

I know, I am a dreamer
And it's in my nature to imagine
Of world unknown and
Of ignited passion.

But, these dreams
Make me wake up all soaked
In sweat and guilt.
It's incomprehensible. I feel so choked.

Seven nights, seven dreams, seven days of a week.
Every day, each day, same dream as if part of a powerful clique.

I tried to decipher you,
Know you, meet you, oh dreams!
Why are you bothering me?
What do you want?
Or are you hinting on something,
It seems...

Lost among this confusion,
I conferred
That this may just be,
A reality deferred.

(Soon)
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
Love seems so distant & far away.
And somehow lust is available every day.

A fetching face,
that’s brimming of grace.
Why this body?
& not share its joy
why be a good old girl
If you cannot 'love' a handsome bad boy?




My body yearns for things
my heart does not want.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S1IhJ_DHjw
Tanya Chaudhary Oct 2014
Such a dilemma.

do you choose to remain sad
cry & water the flowers
or
get better & have them die?
Tanya Chaudhary Jun 2014
First I think of writing something.
Then I think of erasing it.
Then I think of hiding it in a metaphor.
Again I think of erasing it.

Nonetheless, I write.
Nonetheless, I erase.
The more I erase, the more I write.

Yet, my pen does not have enough ink to describe what I feel.
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