You are real
I know you are because I saw you
I can never forget the look on your eyes when you met mine
and that smug that made time freeze

You are real
I know you are because I felt you
The tender touch of your hand
and that gentle yet excruciating feeling when you grabbed my neck

You are real
I know you are because I heard you
Your laughter that haunted every nerve in my body
and the sound of your heavy breathing as I watch you sleep

Are you real?
I am no longer sure you are because I can't find you
I need to find you
I need to know that you still exist in real life
and not just on my 3am drunk thoughts

I need to find you
I need to know that you won't hurt me
I need to to know if your existence would affect my present and my future

I want to find you
I need to find you
Before you find me

I am at it again
The adrenaline rush, the sweat, the euphoric yet sadistic approach to grant my inner desires
My body continuously shivered in the dark
As if there was some chemical reaction that was happening to my very core
I was out of control
Everything went out of hand but I felt  most alive during the last 20 something minutes of that night
I was too high to remember everything
I was too high to care that it was 5am and I was still far from home
But my body remembered
My body will never forget how everything else felt right
Every stroke, every scratch, and that electrifying feeling breaking every principle I had in my system since day one
It finally made sense to me now
Everything is perfectly clear to me now

The pain is creeping up again
I cannot control it
I don’t want to live with it

The pain is creeping up again
How do I stop my heart from beating?
How do I stop this longing?

The pain is creeping up again
It breaks my bones
It breaks my soul