being a good student is always one of the reasons

being a good student is one of the reasons why im a really inconsiderate friend, apparently
because i dont share my answers
because i dont break the rules
and because i dont hate going to school
i just dont have the heart to tell them that school is actually my quiet
that school is my rest from life
that school is my escape
that this is how it was

being a good student is one of the reasons why im an unreliable brother, it seems
because i dont tend to their needs when im home
because i dont help them with their homework
and because i dont have any time left for them bec im focusing on my studies
i just dont think they'll want to hear that im not doing any of it for them because no one did those for me
that no one made me dinner at age 13
that no one ever taught me how to answer my homework
that this is how it was

being a good student is one of the reasons why im a irresponsible son, i believe
because i dont ever want go to family outings
because i dont prioritize them over school meetings
and because im barely home from sleeping over my classmates' houses just to finish a ******* output
i just dont think he'd appreciate me telling him i never felt like a part of that family
that i never felt like he'd prioritize me over anything
that i never once felt like coming back to this house was the same as coming back home
that this is how it was

that this is how it is
that im so sick of everyone saying im
an inconsiderate friend
or an unreliable brother
specially an irresponsible son

so if the only thing im good at are quizzes and projects and tests and deadlines

then i sure as hell am gonna keep at it

I love you

There
I said it

But not to you, though
Because I'm afraid

I'm scared that you'll end up like everyone who's told me the same things,
I'm scared that you'll leave and pretend that you didn't just shatter my whole world when you ask me to be just friends

But I know you won't do that

I love you

There
I said it

But not to you, though
Because I'm afraid

I'm afraid you'll get to know me better and it'll drive you away
I'm afraid that maybe if I showed you my true colors you'd want to be with a different hue

But I know you're not like that

I love you

There
I said it

But not to you, though
Because I'm afraid

I'm ******* terrified that you'll realize what a mess I am, how I'm barely holding myself together, and that'll make you run away

I'm terrified of losing you before I even feel confident enough to have you

I know you're not like that

I know that

I wouldn't have loved you if you were

But that doesn't help
It doesn't make me trust myself
Loving you isn't gonna make me stop doubting myself

I love you
But I still can't say it

It's not because I'm not sure

It's because I'm afraid

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But I if it's just like your sadness then I'm so ******* sorry

Because sadness for me isn't feeling down or being weighed down by this feeling
It's like being on fire
But on the inside

It's like being stabbed by something that doesn't hurt
Then feeling this cold fire spread through my body
Like a wild fire being winded out by my thoughts
Or frostbites all over my body being thawed and frozen again

Being sad feels so heavy and prominent that I'm not even sure if my happiness is real
If it's really there
Or if it's just the a sense of sadness

I feel disgusted by myself whenever I fake a smile or a laugh or even saying "I'm ok"
I wanna cover my mouth with my hands every time someone ask me if I'm ok because I'm hard wired to say that I am

Being sad is already so ******* painful that I've grown up being used to keeping it in instead of telling people about it
Because I don't want to let anyone in
I don't want anyone to see the wildfire through my soul
I don't want them to see me frozen up

Because I'll hate myself either way
If they burn themselves up to thaw me out
I'll hate myself
If I drown them out when I douse this down
I'll hate myself
And if I saw them carry any part of my sadness to help me
I'll hate myself

I'm so hardwired to not let anyone in that I can't let anything out without destroying everything an everyone around me

Being sad for me is an experience.
I don't know if it's different from how everyone else's
But if you feel the same thing as me
What would you do?
What should I do?

Hey
Ok
I know that you know that I can't say "I'm not good with words" because, let's be honest, that's basically the only thing I'm good at.
But what I'm not good at is you.
Or rather, how to use my words with you.
But I used to.
But now I just... I don't know.
Just like how I don't know what happened. How I don't know what I did wrong. How I don't know if I even did something wrong.
It just felt like... I don't actually have a great analogy to explain this but it felt ******.
Ok let me try this analogy.

It kinda felt like an Icarus moment.

Which is funny, given me name right now.
Let me explain.
You know how he died? How all he was doing was enjoying what he had. His freedom. How he never felt that freedom until then and then when he let himself experience it it ended up being his downfall. Literally.
That's what falling for you feels like. How it felt like.
I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't have fallen for you, but if things didn't turn out the way they did I'm pretty sure I could say I love you and not feel like I'm lying to myself about it.
I've never met anyone who fit so perfectly with me that it scared me at first.

It's always scary when you fly for the first time, right?

But when I did start falling for you it didn't feel like falling at all it feels like flying. It feels exhilarating and somehow taboo at first. How it feels like something so good should be something I shouldn't do.
But the more I knew you the more I flew. The more I soared high.
What I didn't know back then was that the more I flew, the more it'll hurt when I started falling.

Which I did.

When I needed you the most- no,
When I needed someone the most, you vanished.
Actually you didn't vanish. Which was worst.
It felt like you were there, constantly there, and yet you couldn't be to give me a single glance.

It physically felt like a punch in the heart.

But I guess that's my fault. Yeah. I know it's my fault. It's my fault for thinking you'll be there for me. It's my fault for expecting you'll do to me what I'll do for you.
I keep forgetting that when I confessed my feelings for you to you, you confessed your lack if feelings for me to me.

But this isn't what this whole thing was about.

This isn't a message for my past crush, nor is it for the one I'm pining on. It's a message for my best friend.
This message is for the one who I talked about living together with in London.
This message is for the one who showed me so much music that they knew I'll love
This message is for the one who told me that I loved rain just as much as they did.

This message is for you and this message is a hello or a goodbye, depending on you.

For the first time in my life I'm writing to my friends. Or maybe it's for my friends.
Because I never thought things would end like this. I never thought things would even end.

They've been here for years and they'll be here for more, I thought.
But all that was lost when they saw my life as a battle to be fought.

I've never been good with spoken words but I've never been silent with my writings.
So I'm speaking and shouting and yelling about how I never knew things were ending.

Tell me things. Anything. Please. I'm so lost at what to do. Specially here and now that I don't have any one of you.

I know it's not good, you could say unhealthy, even. But I've grown so used to all of you, you were my safest haven.

But I know I lost it. And I know that you see it.
But help me out and tell me why you saw my friendship and decided to drop and leave it.

So this is my sorry. And my thank you. And my fare well.
I know you are all better without me but i won't be better without you, and I hope you can never tell.

This isn't a poem about you,
It's one about me.
It's about things you've done,
That I shouldn't have seen differently.

You and I were alike in different circumstances.
You made me feel certain things and they felt like chances.

Chances I would've pondered if they weren't taken.
Chances I would regret eventually, only I didn't know it back then.

When I wrote about things about you, it felt like a stab back then.
It felt like the knife jammed in my back was being nudged all over again.

But sometimes it felt like the fire in my chest, like something close to rage.
That every time I think about you leaving me it's like a storm trying to burst through my ribcage.

And sometimes it's sad and blue and gray.
Sometimes I think about maybe it's my fault and I I didn't give enough and that I wasn't okay.

It's got me seeing red and got me feeling blue.
It's drowning in silence where it used to be the voice of you.

It's got me seeing gray since you left me with no color.
When you up and dusted, when you ran and slammed the door.

But this isn't a poem about colors.
It's one about pain.
It's about things I wouldnt have lost,
If they were things I didn't gain.

My seven brothers keep secrets
And they trust that I won't tell
And I didn't
Until now

My brother keeps a lighter in his bag
He's very asthmatic and also doesn't smoke
He says it's a metaphor
It's one less lighter that does it's job, and instead does a better job
He believes that I wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother thought of killing himself once
He's nice and everything seems alright
He says it's ironic
I want people to see how  my happiness isn't real. And it's sad that I'm already too good at it for them to notice.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wears rubber bands on his wrists
He looked cool to me but it weirded me out
He says it's an alternative
The burn of me flicking bands on my wrist lessens my yearning for it to be cut open
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother likes boys, but he still likes girls all the same
I thought it weird at first but it's who he is so I accepted him
He says it's Love
I fall for who I fall for, is it my fault if they think it wrong?
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother thinks he isn't good enough for anything good
I try to tell him otherwise because I love him
He says it's nothing
I've grown up thinking I'll always get what I deserve. So that's what I expect till now.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wants to leave our house
I try to tell him I'll miss me but he said he misses himself
He says he's already left
I'm already missing. You see my shadow and my face, but I'm already gone.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wants to be noticed but shy away from attention
He doesn't glow in the dark as much as he emits darkness in the light
He says is ironic
I crave attention for the right I do but gains it by the wrongs I've done
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brothers may have plenty secrets
But I have one too

And mine is that i never had brothers
But all that I've said were true

You gave me love I never had
You made me feel special for who I am and made me accept the things that I'm not
You called me things, and sang me songs
That made me see how you saw me
You made me feel things I never thought I could

What I didn't realize was that
You didn't do anything

I thought you gave me love because of the way you treated me
I thought you made me feel special but you just made me realize what I'm worth
You called me things, and sang me songs
But you didn't mean for them to blind me with emotions
You didn't make me feel thing I never thought I could
You just made me feel things I never had


You gave me love
But it wasn't yours

Because you gave me love
that taught me to love

Most of the poems I've written
Are experiences I never had
Some are things that I want to happen
Others are things that happened when I was sad


But lately I've been thinking
That you fit my poems very well
Each and every word of my writing
Reminds me of a story that older folks tell


That when I find the one
The one who will own my heart
They'll make me feel whole and one
Not tear my own little heart apart


But what the others never told
Was that the stories aren't easy
That maybe we will only see each other when we're old
Or that we'll be far apart, on the opposite ends of the sea


But you and I know what this is
We both know what's at stake
We'll both endure till the end of this
Because we both know none of this is fake


People might say we're only children
Or that it might not even be what we thought it'd be
But I know that you'll turn the other cheek, that you'll never listen
Because I know that what I feel for you is just as strong as your feelings for me

Rain reminds me of comfort
It reminds me of soft sheets on my skin
The way I would snuggle up on my bed and feel warm and cold at the same time

Rain reminds me of excitement
It reminds me of the unexpected coolness in the middle of summer
The way I could run around in the streets soaking wet and yet no one thinks it wrong

Rain reminds me of solitude
It reminds me of how it can isolate me from the outside world by pouring down like a wall of tears from the sky

Rain reminds me of innocence
It reminds me of my youth
When I would pray for rain every single day to save me from going back to school

But now
Rain doesn't remind me of anything
Rain makes me think of things

Rain makes me think of how we could run around in the streets

Rain makes me wonder how it would feel like to lie on your sheets

Rain makes me wonder about locking ourselves in and just talking

Rain doesn't remind me of you

Because you make me think about Rain