is what you left me
not important enough to be named
no reason, no plot
no closure

I want to know if you think of me too
I want to know why you gave up on me
And why you lied to me
I wish I hadn't given up on you.

Even if we didn't end up together in the end
I wish I would've given us a chance
So I'd know what it's like
And so I'd know if it would've worked out

I wish I would've pressed harder when I knew you lied
I wish I would've said yes to you once; you asked so many times
I wish I would've told you I'd still be with you when we talked
I'm sorry I reacted the way I did

I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry I blew you off with no explanation
You were one of my best friends
You were my first love.

Did you know that?
You were.
I cared about you so intensely at such a young age
Part of me always will.

I assumed we'd get married
Did you know that too?
We had so much fun
We were such close friends

I want to know you're happy
I want to know you're doing well
I wish I could talk to you
And at least have you tell me those things.

But I can't say anything to you
It would be considered inappropriate
But we never got closure
Do you want that too, or is it just me?

I wish you knew these things
I have no idea what you think of me now
Or if you've forgotten about me
Or if I was special to you like you were to me

Or if you loved me too
And if so, if you'll always care about me
And never forget me
I'll never forget you

I'm sorry I was a **** to you when we were younger
I've gotten older, wiser, more mature, more understanding, and more loving
I'm sure we've both changed because everyone does
I've changed a lot, but otherwise, I'm the still same girl you were crazy about.

I never intended to hurt you
I did what I thought I needed to at the time
I've known better for quite a while now
And I'm sorry.

I hope you're happy
And that life is treating you well
I wish you the best
Know I always will, okay?

I wish you knew what you did to me
How I keep going back to it
That I'm hung up on it
Unless you'd think it's pathetic

My gosh, why can't I let you go?
I ridiculously pine
I know you've been idealized
And romanticized in my mind

But it started out so perfectly
We were just kids who became good friends
Then best friends
Then we came to care deeply for each other

We decided to wait until we were older to date
But then we never did
Because of me
I rejected you too many times

So eventually, you gave up on me
Now my mind has a warped reality
My heart still harbors you inside
And sometimes I'm reminded

******, why didn't I just kiss you?
I actually wish I knew what that was like
My gosh, am I horrible?
Utterly obscene?

I was so afraid to even date you
I think I ******* up big time
Did I?
Am I wrong?

How I wish I knew.
The world is not so black and white anymore
There is lots of gray
And it's nothing like I expected.

I miss you.
I miss us.
Please tell me you're okay.
Please tell me you're happy.

I wish I could send you a message somehow
So you'd know I'm sorry
And that I wish you well
For always

I don't know you,
I don't know the way you smile,
the echoes of your laughter, at the corner of my ears -
reasoning like old vanishing memories.
I don't know the way your touch feels, the way the tip of your fingers looses themselves on my body - looking for somewhere to hide,
the way they would fit my fingers,  grasping onto them delicately -
caressing, locking, intertwining perfectly.
I crave for your eyes - your ocean eyes,
where I could lose myself for eternity -
where you will give me the look -
that lovers give  - that fires the soul away,
burning me, weakening me down to my knees.
Into this moment of intimacy -
I would wait for you to find my lips,
waiting patiently for you
as we finally breathe into one another -
I will hold onto you and never let go of this instant.

I will never know how this feels,
I will never know your soft kisses,
your hands in the palm of mine -
Your silhouette fading away,
where we would leave our traces.
No.
I only know your stupid jokes,
and the way you made me cry,
without saying good-bye,
You left me hanging,
into this beautiful view,
of what we could of been.
Broken promises and words that you threw
right at my heart -
leaving my guard down
I believed you were different.

You are gone now,
I  still wonder if I still cross your mind,
If you still love me -
as much as I will always love you,
even in this suspended moment -
where I will look into someone else's eyes,
where I will share that kiss with him,
as I wish deep down,
that you were the one holding me now.