It's so hard when you've been hiding
to come out of it again.
You can't do it
You can't do it
You can't do it,
But you've done it before so no one cares.
Somehow you'll push through it and suddenly you've added it once more,
Realistically they know that you'll do it again,
But this isn't realistic because it's about the imaginary.

You build yourself a home,
And tell yourself it's safe,
Then you disappear there for most waking hours of the day,
Then you have breaks from school when you should do revision and work,
You want to try so hard, so hard
Because you want to finally prove you can
You can be smart.
But you can't pull away from this,
You're trapped inside and you want to stay there,
The world keeps screaming at you that you're doing it all wrong.
You already know that but you keep going along;
It's that way or no way;
The world won't let you stop
No matter how hard you beg.

The home you've devised by yourself
Is filled with what you want and things you're scared of,
People you love so arduously
Yet continue absently,
Catastrophic events that break your heart
Even though they never came to be.

So you're screaming at the real walls surrounding you
Back in the harsh reality where nothing's as you want it,
Crying out that you want them here with you;
That it's the only way you'll get through;
Your whole world depends on these stupid, dejected, lovely, astute
Daydreams.
And to everyone else you could attempt to explain this to,
That is all they are:
Daydreams.
When the only thing you want,
Is for them to be reality.

I see his face inside my head,
Scenes flash in front of me
And then I realise it's all just
Make-believe.

I'm thinking about making some 'to-do lists'
But you've already taken me.
I hope I can reclaim my once used productivity.

You mean everything to me,
Such as the whole universe with all its highlights
And none of its pain within a person,
It only could be you and you throw all of the negatives away.

When I need someone to catch me before I fall,
Hold my hand and assure me that I will never lose it all,
You're always here ready to save me
From my own self-destruction without ever calling me crazy.

Maybe you're the air I crave to breathe,
Invisible and somewhere that I can never be.
If I could have one wish come true for Christmas:
Then you would actually be my forever and all eternity,
In real life, not just a bittersweet dream.

Maybe one day you could come
And all this dimness, disaster and darkness could vanish.
I don't know what it is but only my mind can cure it,
Except imagination isn't real
And that's why I need you to turn up
And steal
All the things wrong with me;
All the feelings I'm not supposed to feel;
The ones I don't know I feel,
And replace them with ones I used to hope I'll one day feel.

Eventually, will you be here?
If I think hard enough,
Pray all night long,
Sacrifice myself to God,
Would you finally come to me?
Stand right in front of me and be you,
Just as I see right now?
I don't think I can live outside of you,
Please won't you live in my life too?

Today everything was weird-not like anything was wrong but I felt off-I wasn’t hungry/couldn’t focus/couldn’t make sense of the words I was saying-

days like today have been more frequent lately— my sleeping is uneven and restless—my waking feels like I’m watching my own life through a snow globe waiting for everything to be shaken up

You only had to leave me alone.
Leave me alone,
Just go!
I don't want you to go.
I just want you to really be here with me,
Except you can't be.
And that means you should leave me.
Don't go...

You know you can't trust anything,
Or anyone
And I guess I should have learnt by now,
But I guess pain and hurt is never too much.

Everyone needs to find their way,
Through the screams and the cries,
The silence and the goodbyes,
It may seem like I'm talking straight into walls sometimes:
I just need something to lean on,
Something to steady me while I'm still awake.

I try to find comfort in people I've never met,
Things that also can never really help me,
Not physically bad things though,
So people never see my heartache as strong enough,
It's just time to find a willow tree to weep and wallow under.

These things and these people,
I guess I'm naturally inclined to grasp to,
Except in this world nothing is perfect
Because that's reserved for earned peace with God
So here we get things we don't deserve,
Because perfection's what we crave we pretend it exists
In these things, these ways, these people.

But people (and things, methods) they let you down,
And they don't have to be sorry,
Repentance to other human beings doesn't change anything,
Especially when they continue with the same cruel things,
Even though they know they are unforgivable.

You know you can't trust anything,
Or anyone
And I guess I should have learnt by now,
But I guess pain and hurt is never too much.

People can always let you down,
I don't like saying it
Even if you don't quite believe it
But they have let me down,
And still I keep on going,
Letting it happen again,
But people deserve forgiveness
And not to be judged by actions they didn't commit.
One mans sins are not all of his generations.

It's easier to hope that people can change
When you have never been around them,
Yet are still too emotionally connected
To join the others in their march of distaste.
I know I partly agree with them,
But I wouldn't go that far,
I wouldn't wish someone dead
I hope no matter what they've done.

Then there's that someone that you know,
Whose done things that are far more innocent,
But you can't bare to think about it
So you go to what you can handle,
Back to those things that steady you,
Just as you feel you're falling.
Then you sit there as you're crying,
Or maybe not at all but the silence is still painful
And you realise you're left with nothing at all.

Many times I feel there's nothing left,
That can make this all go away,
No clean slate,
Sometimes I have thought I'd lost my way,
Then I was shown it again
Except I don't want to follow,
I'd rather just pause,
I may not cry that much
But I don't need to
Just to know that this can really **** hurt.