What you said:
"LOL"
"bahahah"
"****"
"hehe"
"😂"
"hahahah"
What you wanted to say:
im in pain
i want a hug
im mad
im sad
im dissapointed
i miss him
im hurting
im crying
i want to cry
im not eating much anymore
im upset
i dont care
i don't know how to feel

i know that you dont know how to express your feelings, and i understand
you say "LOL" or "hahaha" when absolutely nothing is funny
you say it when you're hurting the most
but why does it help you cope
to say the opposite of what you're feeling