It's 2:43 and I can't sleep
I close my eyes and I can't dream
It would seem to me
I'm going crazy
My mind is covered in a film so hazy
But I must be oh so lazy
For not fighting for a chance to raise me
And lift myself
I tell myself
I have nothing else
To turn to
I lost you
I always do
I always choose
To lose
The few
The truth is
I can't do this
I walk around clueless
To the facts
As a matter of fact
When you look at it like that
I'm fading into the past
As life flies past
And goes way to fast
I wanna crash
I'll come in last
Moments go by with a flash
And it's all I ask
Not to bask
In the rays
of a sun that will be taken away
And fade
As the dark runs away
And night overtakes the day
I was too late
To play
But now it's 3
And the harder I try to sleep
The faster my mind flees
And runs from me
I won't catch it tonight
So I'll just cry
And hope for sunlight
And pray to a god who just might
Listen to my unanswered prayers tonight

I'm pretending
I'm descending
In a pit of comprehending
Of why I'm condescending
And I'm infuriating
And debating
Whether its blood that I'm tasting
Or just the time that I'm wasting
But my head is made of lead
And I collapse as if I'm dead
The thunder is louder in my head
So I wanna go back to bed
I'm painfully painting
Frantically fading
Slightly saying
I'm definitely draining

I walk the same waters I once drowned in
When life ended I somehow rose again

My heart does not beat I live nonetheless
I am a human shell that still draws breath

I refuse to speak silence is a gift
I want to see but too afraid to live

I wish to write but cannot hold a pen
The paper is blank and the lines barren

I hide with my hands: my mouth, eyes, and ears
I read the same words that confirm my fears

I scream in the dark the world will not know
I hide in the drugs the pain will not show

The place I seek is cold
It's dark, damp, and silent
A place the devil sold
For it contains the most violent

Before I broke my mind
I could not find this place
Now the deed is signed
And it rests behind my face

I hear their screams and laughs
I can't tell what is true
My heart is torn in half
By beings, my mind had grew

Sometimes when I'm high I float
But not too far off the ground
But at times when I'm sober, I choke
I find it hard to keep the words down

Usually, it's not bad I don't even notice
Then I'm alone and it's all that I notice

These days I barely have a sober day
Afraid of the pain that doesn't exist
Lurking in the shadows barely at bay
I chased it away and yet it persists

I fight for no man yet I am fighting forever
In fear I plan yet I haven't put it together

I change on a whim and with no intent
You can't see when I see the loathing
I challenge the fact that I am spent
With a test that I myself had not chosen

Don't second guess the choice to choose
One slip of a tongue, the question is who's

I struggle with that fact
That I Mr. Sly
Have a target on my back
And everyone around me reacts
To the lack
Of hat tricks I have
But I can only score
Once more
Or so I think
I'm on the brink
Of desperation
The frustration
Is killing me
My mind is killing me
There's no healing me
Dopamine is my drug and its filling me
But it starts to flood
There's to much
I'm losing my mind with a brush
Of her lips
Its a kiss
Its a lie
In my mind
I scream I'm fine
But I realize
That's a lie
Its about time
I come to grips
With all of this
The blatant ticks
As the hands twist
But they do more than turn
They ****** and they burn
The grab and they yearn
For what is not theirs
With their mechanical gears
They latch on to my fears
I can feel their stares
Boring holes into my mind
Oh these hands of time

Reading and writing at midnight
Never help me sleep
I breathe, I cry then I stop
And then start to think
Its 1am and I don’t know
When I’ll drift away
As time flies by I reach a hand
But it’s always the same
I cannot breathe
I cannot scream
I feel the words in my throat
They won’t come out
And by tomorrow I’ll start to choke
But don’t judge me
For your thoughts are your own
I won’t hold them against you
And you should know
That I stayed there
Always waiting for you
Now it’s too late
And I’ve gone away
I couldn’t stand living I the pain

Today my mind will find time for the pain inside
But my heart remains on lockdown
I can forget to forgive as I give what I get
And all I want is to lie down
I scream as I see what is wrong with me
But I can’t hide fast enough
I asked you for proof you told me the truth
But rules don’t apply to love

Another year my dear
Without you next to me
I cannot hear my dear
Did you ask for me?

another prose another day
nothing has begun to change
so I in fear I write that tonight
I just may end my life

but don't dig too deep
for words are action with no air
which explains my struggle to breathe
without you here my dear