but no not words
when i said i cannot have the truffles or the waffles or dark chocolate
you broke them down and melted them
you got naked
you spread your legs and you spread it on those lips that forever seemed to conceal a pearl even you did not seem to know you should cherish
i liked that you liked it so i nibbled them clean
but i had to think about how much more insulin
i would need in the night
i wanted to know what truffles and waffles were
i wanted to lick them off your lips that quiver most
but would you get it without the sugar that can **** me
next time
that way i can die a little late and eat you endlessly

but hey i found donuts without sugar
it was sweet too
i ate it alone because who do i share
the yearning for sweet less sweet
while in a sugary decay

venus, i don't want to be your adonis nor anchises
or for you to lie that i am them
or maybe i do, why not
i just wanted to eat something sweet with you
that does not **** me

someone i loved was once concerned
that i'd get used to her nakedness if we spent hours and days like that
and that i'd stop being charmed by her but
that was not true.
the charm was in the oblivion she wore to her nakedness as each day passed
a quick turn, a shimmer, a shiver
i wonder if someone would ever want that of me

ah draw the curtains, i would rather not be seen at all
than be seen seeing, seen wanting

truffles and waffles
never had them,
diabetes is **** poetry to even the diabetics
it's just decay and i don't know what i taste like
i would love for someone to take their sweet time and taste me
and tell me something nice though
i can appreciate it even if i heard i tasted like lava
or mud or swamps
or coffee or blood or rust

i am not picturing you coming over with a box of truffles and waffles
only for me to tell you i can't have them one more time
and you were upset

i needed words first you know
"you did too much today, didn't you? again?"
"i want to read something you wrote?"
"i want to read you, can i read you?"
"can i eat your insides?"
“can i keep running my fingers through your hair until you sleep?”
“can you cry away all your pain while i hold you?”
“can i ******* so you forget the dread that weighs on you”

ruffle my hair and maybe i will fall asleep
do not strangle me for calls i forgot to return
because i will always do that
i must
i'll write love poems when i wake
and like i once did before
remind you that your lap is clouds pillow
i mean i know
that you do not know
how to make me feel those slippery chaotic feelings i make you feel
but do not love me like i do, i might hate it, love me just how you do
don't shy though
do not hold back, grab me, ***** me
or lull me, whisper to me, stab me maybe
how is all and any of that hard
do you like me more when i am insufficient?
for i can light myself into silver flames to do better
but i am tired

so let me just sit for now
breathe,
but i am afraid to knowingly breathe
what if i suddenly don’t know
what if i only can knowingly breathe
and i forget to


i like the windows open but i like the curtains closed
i like the curtains lifting slightly in the wind
i like the little i see through them than when it's open
i'd rather watch the world out as the curtain lifts for a few seconds

but the time i thought this was it
wasn’t then
it was during a **** nap and this one i loved was having a good nap
her hair under the noisy fan kept brushing at my face
but i didn’t move
now it is a fading memory and i still don’t move

ruffle my hair,
i miss being touched, caressed.
not callously although that felt good too
when there was none
i selfishly yearn for you to be selfish about me
because what if selfless love does not obsess you enough
i desire not the selfless love that in its selflessness is willing to let go
possess me kindly unkindly

forgive how i drape my existence with a contradictory me
both, both are me pleading

and the marked moments of how i rejoiced too
while i sat on my knees and ate their lips
as they peed on me
i would look up and i saw they want it
and they wanted me to tell and i wanted it too yes
because i could be the only one they can do it with too
i felt special
and it felt good, yeah

and i liked being smothered under them
giving them all the power over me,
i thought maybe that made them feel good about themselves
and so they'd love me because i never could love myself
how selfish of me

don't give me the crap about i have to start loving myself
truth is
it is your excuse to not meet me where i am
and if even there is reason and rationality to that principle
**** i have tried and you didn’t give me nothing then
you called me a worm under your shoe

worm under a shoe,
does it coil up,
does it fit into the crevices and around your feet
what if it found a little cozy home around the base of shoes
and took itself where the shoes went
with you

anyway
a friend once told me i am fine with everything
so i wrote a poem about how i want someone to
lay together and decay together with, a poem
that no one read so i had to pay for someone to read it.
******* four lines
and i had to pay in hopes someone would soulfuck me enough
just once
ah no i wanted more than once

rubble, not that kind
seeing as to you reading
what
i
wrote,
you'd be surprised
it is not a weary writing about a weary life.
i can see you think that
haven't i told you to think that as much as
i have told you not to
or not, maybe you got so much molten erupting self inside you too
that you don't think about me at all
even if i use a lot of i
don't pity me
for i shun myself ten times as much
just so it does not weigh on you
anyway rubble, yes, what kind though
the laundry done looks like rubble
that is the kind of rubble yeah
as a kid i used to bury myself inside of it
not to come out though,
just to stay in
i wanted to be under, it was quieter
the world smelled clean, safe, moist
is that how it ought to feel
i loved women who made me feel that way,
a mix of slightly damp, slightly dry,
smells of the sun and smells of wetness all the same
they were also always heavier than me but they did not like it
i wanted to get fat for them so they will like me
but when i did get fat
i was ugly and sick in ways they never fetishized so i kept loving them skinny
because i always anyway loved like i was starving
they complained i am too lean for them and maybe that is one reason they didnt like to be seen with me
for cameras that is
in my memories they marked the images though
of me worshipping them
the slaps, the spits, the spats,
i felt oh you poor thing, i can’t help you, but i tried