For love I found peace. But for peace I got rid of love.

fail to admit
you were getting sick
stains on your teeth
from cherry red lipstick
dirt in your nails
picking up sticks
to build a house from the ground
you buried your past self in
marks on your skin
purple and blue
bleed from within
so you look vibrant in hue
your insides burn
like cherry red lipstick
but don't get the same
looks or snippets
your insides are ugly
no matter their coat
please fix them first
before you start to gloat

Hello
Hi

How are you?
I've been good

I've been meaning to ask.
but why do you always hide behind a mask?
What do you mean?

Well I've seen you struggle
Yet, you don't cry.*
You just act shy
And just smile
...

It's ok if you don't answer
I don't mean to pressure.
I was just wondering why
You never cry.
I cry...
But on the inside
Because the shadows of my past
Lingers on to me.
I hate to have it reappear.
It haunts me when I'm happy.
It slips it's way through
Before I sleep.
I wasn't always
Smiling...
Yet I do it to avoid the questions
That others will always ask.
So to me, ignored by these
Stubborn people.
I do nothing but smile.
I smile
To tell myself
to try and forget the past,
Yet it still stands in
The corner
Glaring at me

I'm sorry, I didn't know.
It's ok I just never showed.

i look
at stars
and wonder
if i'm being
shined by
twinkling motes
in the blackened eyes
of cosmic hypocrites...

I am me, but not really me.
What do you mean you ask?
Well this is my body,
But in my mind there is someone else
Who's on top.

I cannot breathe with out their say
Nor can I think without their thoughts.
I am their vessel, their ship.
I am nothing but a doll that cannot live without it's owner

Go ahead and call me insane
But, the person on top
Will force me to believe that's crazy.

Right now
it's midnight
somewhere else

at noon,
you may see
two hands
clasped together
in prayer.

Me, I see
a *******
hiding behind
a thumb.

we are not
who we are
at our best
anymore
than we are
the sum
of our worst
aspects.
we are
what we pretend to be:
misanthropes
possessed of empathy.
walking paradoxes.
amalgamations.
spectrums
in multicolor.

I don't want to be disingenuous
perhaps using the word disingenuous isn't the best start
I am depressingly self-aware
so much so that it took me 45 minutes to write that line

I wish I was younger
just so I could live with ignorance a bit longer
and let it cradle me like a baby
I now understand why every movie follows the unknowing hero
We all want to relate
like one big game of the emperor's new clothes

I thought I was destined for greatness
to be fair I still do

I've been having a ton of existential crises lately
suppressing each one more than the last
it's like there is a little man inside of me
banging on the glass
begging to be let out
but I don't want to
because he strikes me as an honest little man
and I'm afraid I might not like what he has to say

One time my therapist asked me if I had ever thought about suicide
I don't think that's the right question
I think about it a lot
not for me specifically but others

I don't believe in God
not so much the creator thing
because who knows
but more the life after death part
because if there's truly nothing
if it really is black
then that might be better than the hell some people live in right now
death is better than torture, death is better than the loss of hope

What I'm saying is
maybe I'm afraid the worst thing that will ever happen to me is death
and maybe I'm wrong
but I'm afraid I won't live a life worthy of being lived