I use people like people use drugs
Like other people are my drugs, like I get high on their attention, addicted to their presence and go through major withdrawal when I'm suddenly left alone if there has always been someone at my disposal.
But somehow at the same time I hate them. Yet I can't bring myself to live without them.
I use people, abuse people, to forget.
Because if I'm not constantly building unsteady, low budget bridges in my head and telling myself they mean something to me and vise versa then I'm reminded, haunted, by the ghosts of the present, showing me how many of my nightmares can come to life in the blink of an eye.
But somehow at the same time I find myself wanting to scream "just shut up already!!" In the faces of those closest to me
Like I wanna be mad at you for not noticing when I'm sad even though I've given no indication that I'm sad
Like I've staged a suicide to prove you'd save me but then purposefully didn't invite you to the show and I'm sorry
I'd call this a cry for hep but I've been crying too **** long so it's a warning signal
Like, hi hello sorry to bother you but I'm currently imploding so if you could step back a few spaces that would be great, sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your time

Great. Okay. We're on the same page about this finally and it's great because friendship is great...
But I won't lie, I wish we weren't finishing this book
I wanna be on the same page of a different chapter with you, in a different book with you with a completely different ending with you and a plot line so good we're played on movie screens...
But, unfortunately, I am not the author of this cliche and honestly rereading this failed fairy tale is starting to put me to sleep
And I feel as though I am effortlessly putting effort into trying to be mature about this if that makes any sense because this feeling comes and goes and sometimes I care and sometimes I don't and other times I just can't..

I used to live my life scripted, coming up with the perfect phrase to say to the perfect person in the perfect scenario playing on repeat in my head
I would concoct the ideal setting in my head, and throw together a recipe for conversation.

1 teaspoon of charm
A cup of laughter
1/2 cup of new inside jokes
A small amount of flirtation
1/2 cup of your interests and 1/2 cup of mine
A small amount of serious topics
And then as much nonsense as you see fit

But then life slapped me in the face and made me realize that perfectly planned conversations are either boring as ****, or just couldn't be planned at all!
So I kept living my life up on a stage but it was all improvisation until you happened...
Which was awesome and great, but then my imagination marched right up to me and handed me a script and another recipe for conversation or 'disaster' as I like to call it...
And I didn't want to, I really didn't want to but with my feelings holding a gun to my head and my imagination giving me the perfect words and the perfect situation I spun together the most beautiful web of words that fit the situation I expected I would be in tomorrow, but then life stepped in and yelled "CUUUT!"
"That's real cute" Life said
"You have it all planned out in your head" Life said
"But this person won't be here tomorrow at all" Life said
"So stop living a lie and go to bed" Life said
So I'm attempting to tale life's advice, trying to put away the theater company inside my head and well...
Now I feel sorta dumb because I legit thought I'd get to say what I planned but life never works that way so... Yeah
Jokes on me, I guess...

So it's 2:37 in the morning and I've been up since pretty much forever now but I had a **** ton of coffee just now and I'm looking at my fan and it's just spinning and spinning and I put it in a black and white filter on snapchat as one does and all I can think is "Woah... It's just... Spinning" and it reminds me of black and white movies for some odd reason which gets me thinking about those outdoor movies that no one does anymore...
And now it's 3:00 AM and Orange Is The New Black is playing in the background while I start to think again and I start to think about this guy who.... I definitely think is cool but who I only half have feelings for.. Not like it matters anyways though beeeecause it is safe to say he's not interested anyways but even so I wonder what it would be like to be wrapped up in his arms asleep because I'd feel safe... But it doesn't last for long because I've started to wonder about elephants and if they wish the same things we do like if they wished to be loved or wished for more money in some weird possibly existent elephant currency...
It's 3:05 and time seems to be moving by more slowly by the minute and I get the urge to dye my hair pink or purple or maybe even blue and then I imagine my skin naturally those colors and suddenly I'm a chameleon.
Then I think back to  that time where a friend said my eyes looked like kiwis and she meant it in a nice way, but then I imagined myself with actual kiwis for eyes and now I'm just kind of confused and laughing in a confused way because... I'm seeing myself as a... Chameleon with... Kiwis for eyes.. And I suppose sounding  crazy is better than seeing myself as fat when I'm not or hella ugly but I mean being a chameleon is pretty ******* weird....

Your words tell me you like me...
But your hands tell of a different story.
And thanks so much for not asking me how I feel, in case you're wondering, I really don't like you or even want you, so stop.
I crave human touch, and accept the occasional hug, but I barely know who you are so can you not?
I am sorry your pathetic male mind fails to comprehend that just because I like it doesn't mean I like you
So.. Not only are you deaf, but you must be blind to, because whenever you try engage me in activity I am already being engaged in music, which is something more intimate then you'll ever share with me!  
You Sir, are more appalling than appealing, and if you haven't gotten the message yet how the **** did you pass the third grade?
It is a serious issue, and so are people like you
Who need to learn the meaning of no and to know when you're not wanted, so maybe you should go.

So I often tend to torture myself by letting my mind run free
I start to wonder... What would happen if I died. Right here, right now. I wonder... Would people cry? Would people miss me?
But the harsh reality of it would be is that I'd be nothing more than a bad memory.
I'd be forgotten about and thrown away like a child's old toy.
I'd be buried deeper than I was before, and I would still be walked all over.
The truth is nothing would change if I were gone, life would continue on.
And I would still be that little girl, lost to Earth.