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  Jan 2015 Renee
B
I hate you
I hate the way you laugh
I hate the way your eyes squint when you smile
I hate your long, skeleton-like fingers
I hate your freckles that scatter across your nose and cheeks
I hate your long legs
I hate your body
I hate your messy brown hair
I hate your bruised skin
I hate your knobby knees
I hate the way you laugh
I hate your voice
I hate how you wrinkle your forehead
I hate how you lock your heart away from people
I hate how negative you are
I hate how you let people use you
I hate how you can't tell people "no"
I hate how you give in so easily
I hate how you care about people who don't give a **** about you
I hate how you love people more than they love you
I hate how you fall for lies
I hate how you care about what people think
I hate how you try so hard to please people
I hate how ditzy you can be
I hate how you can be so clueless to the outside world
I hate how you make the same mistakes over and over again
I hate how you let things get to you
I hate how you're so forgiving
I hate how you give everyone a chance
I hate how you give people second chances when they don't deserve it
I hate how you feel guilty about everything even when you've done nothing wrong
I hate how you let people take advantage of you
I hate how sad you are
I hate how you hide your feelings
I hate how you bottle everything up until you blow
I hate how you break people's hearts
I hate how you don't care
I hate how you don't have motivation to do anything
I hate how you get annoyed so easily
I hate how you're willing to do anything for people who wouldn't even lift a finger for you
I hate how you give yourself to people to fill the void inside you
I hate how your body constantly shakes because you're always nervous about something
I hate how you feel trapped
I hate how your chest gets tight when you think about how much you miss him
I hate the way you treat yourself


I hate how much I hate myself*


                                B.S.
Renee Jan 2015
I feel so empty.
hollow.
broken.
scared.
tired.
cold.
wandering an empty world
with hollow souls
and broken smiles
scared minds
tired eyes
cold hands
and caged hearts
and high walls
  Jan 2015 Renee
nicole smith
you meant a lot to me until
I realized your body runs cold.
you meant a lot to me until
I recognized the ways you are bold.
you meant a lot to me until
I heard the number of times your voice cracks throughout the day.
you meant a lot to me until
you spoke of things you were initially afraid to say.
you meant a lot to me until
I saw the way you laughed.
you meant a lot to me until
I saw some of your chosen paths.
you meant a lot to me until
you told me the secrets you forgot to keep inside.
you meant a lot to me until
I stood by you while you cried.
you meant a lot to me until
I heard the mistakes you made in the past.
you meant a lot to me until
I discovered how different you were from the last.

you meant a lot to me until
all your flaws were laid out to see.
but after all this time I've realized
you don't mean a lot,
you mean everything to me.
Renee Jan 2015
Sick stomach,
food that won't stay down.
Loud music,
drowning out the sound of sniffling.
Pillows damp,
from trying not to scream.
Tired body,
exhausted from doing nothing.
overactive brain,
thinking of way too many things.

Tonight's the night I lose my mind,
it left with all of the people that walked out
of my life tonight,
left me alone,
just simply alone.
No one is around anymore,
but I have my music,
I guess that makes up for it...

Shaking hands,
typing out words that they don't mean.
Heavy eyes,
that won't close.
Shivering body,
freezing under blankets.

I'm sorry I can't do anything for you,
I can't do anything for myself
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you
I'm not good enough for me either
I'm just a burden to you,
and you finally walked out of my life
Why can't I blame you?
I wouldn't have walked in
Renee Jan 2015
Can you hear the silence?
It's inside my mind
Can you see the dark?
It's darker inside
Can you fix the broken?
Is there any way to know?
Can you feel... can you feel my heart?
Pounding against my chest

Can you help the hopeless?
There's no help for the ******
Well, I'm begging on my knees,
You're never going to get it
Can you save my ******* soul?
Our souls are meant for hell
Will you wait for me?
No one ever waits

I'm sorry brothers,
So sorry.
So sorry lover,
I know you didn't want me
Forgive me father,
I wish you would have stayed
I love you mother.
though I'm not sure how much I meant to you sometimes

Can you hear the silence?
It's in my mind
Can you see the dark?
It's darker inside
Can you fix the broken?
There's no way to know

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.
But it's all I ever known
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
But that is something I'll never feel
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.
Like an anchor in the dark blue sea of tears
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.
*Unlike me
SONG BY BRING ME THE HORIZON. CAN YOU FEEL MY HEART. ALL CREDIT FOR THE SONG (NOT IN ITALICS) TO BMTH.
Renee Jan 2015
At the point where
I don't know why I'm still trying to impress you
make you proud of me,
because all you do is scream
tell me I could be better.
You can say whatever
but tonight I'm not coming undone.
I tried, and it's good enough for me
I can't do any more.
I've done the best I can
and you only want more
short thing.
Renee Jan 2015
December 21st,
the year of 2013
I made a promise to myself
and I've kept it.
Over a year, I haven't self harmed.
No blade, object have I used to cut my skin.
And I am proud.
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