I am infatuated with your being.

What's worse?
Falling for someone you can never have,
or falling for someone who you could have had?

And I knew I couldn't be right.

"Where you at, my baby."

And I hope I am right.

I hope you know.

it was always you,
and has always been you.

you may have lost her,
but you got me back.

i feel alive in your arms.

I've lost the dark,
which destroyed my creativity.

I will always love you,
don't forget that.*

I didn't forget it,
but you did.

I am too self-aware
for *******.

The more i do it,
the more satisfied i become.

Two years later, and I'm back where I started.

the more i cry for help,
the more stupid i feel.

I did what they wanted.

You don't seem real anymore.

My mother hides things from me,
a lot of things,
but I can't be mad, I guess.

I do it, too.

I understand it,
you hate me.
But,
must you be so ******* immature about it?

Was I scared?
--Well, when she was coughing her lungs out and had to run to the sink to spit in order to breathe again, I kind of got scared. And when I took a hit and the smoke filled my lungs, pulled the bowl out, breathed in more smoke, held it in, finally let it out and passed it to my uncles girlfriend, I was scared; yes. I could feel my lungs blackening and my chest burning, eyes watering, and nothing but coughing. I just remember thinking "it's Christmas. Why am I doing this? It's Christmas." But that didn't stop me from grabbing the **** again. Eyedrops were a life saver, so was my uncle's water. With my knees trembling and my heart racing I got in the car and headed back. My cousin made a joke claiming it to only be funny when we were high, then apologized for it being so stupid. We drove back to the house -- yes we had a designated driver, and stumbled out of the car and went back into my Nanny's house like nothing had happened. Talking to my family was not the easiest, but no one suspected a thing. Eyes droopy, room turning in circles, cotton mouth, slow speech, all things that happened while trying to keep cool.

I guess you could say I had a high and mighty Christmas this year.

It always seemed light years away.
I never thought the day would come,
or I'd even make it here.
It's unbelievable as to what happens by the time you turn 16.

You make mistakes,
but you have the best time of your life.

Trying drugs,
getting drunk.

Things I never thought I'd do.

All I can really say is this,
I made it.

Through the good and the bad,
I've made it.

I was worried it would come back.
--the self hatred I mean.

Deep down I knew it would.

I don't know if it's a bad week,
or I'm going into that hole again.

I purged my soul out,
and I felt happy.

I had a dream I cut to my vein,
and I woke up content.

Now,
someone might get worried reading this,
don't.

It might just have been a horrible week,
but I guess we will soon find out.

And you will never know how I hurt.

I had never felt that before,
the feeling of complete euphoria.
I wasn't myself;
I wasn't in my own body.

2:30 AM and we snuck out,
went around the pond,
and the smoke poured into my lungs.

I was trembling,
a smile plastered across my face.
I laughed at every joke,
zoned out for a few seconds.

Eyes bloodshot,
pupils dilated.
Hungry as ****,
and happier than I've ever been.

I realized I was in love;
all I could think about was him.

I fell asleep,
best sleep of my life I might add.

I think I've found
a new escape.

Being hated for no apparent reason. (Which happens quite often I must add.)

Not reaching my goals in life.

Giving up.

People getting the wrong impression of me.

Never finding love.

Meeting my ***** donor,
or not meeting him.

Smoking until my lungs are dry.

Drinking until I die.

Guy never loving me.

Never seeing Rach again.

Hiding behind a mask for the rest of my life.

Loving the wrong person.

Never loving at all.

Rejection.

Public speaking.

Razors & open wounds.

Any death but my own.

63072000 seconds ago
I was worried about what blade I would use next.

1,051,200 minutes ago
I didn't know how much longer I could take living this life.

17531.6 hours ago
you and I got together.

730 days ago
we were friends.

24 months ago
I woke up to you by my side,

Two years ago
everything was so bad, but oh so good.

It must feel like
heaven in your arms.

Eyes that gleamed so bright,
and a voice deeper than the ocean.
Tall as a mountain,
strong as the wind.
Veiny hands
and a radient smile.

Oh, how I wish he was mine.

He was in my dreams again,
some place I never wished him to be.

I woke up in a cold sweat,
tears in my eyes.

I've never met him,
but I'm terrified.

You sat there with a pistol in your hand.
The bullets were the words.
They were shot,
and you never checked to see if my wounds were okay.

When I was little
Halloween was one of my favorite holidays.
Candy and costumes galore.

As I grow older the spirit fades,
Trick-or-Treating is no more.
I don't take on a new identity for the night,
but instead contemplating on drinking
and scaring children.

No costume,
no candy,
just a bottle full of *****,
and I'm being something I never wanted to be.

Growing up isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

I've started to not care about school.
Copying homework left and right.
Cheating on tests
every
****
time.

And I can't bring myself to care.

He's beautiful,
but he's not mine to touch.

Don't hate someone just because they hate you.

2. ALWAYS be the bigger person.

3. Don't quickly judge someone.

4. You may lose people, but you will gain ones who are better.

5. Everything changes at one point.

6. Try to see opinions from both sides.

7. There are two sides to every story.

8. Some people aren't going to like you, and that's okay.

9. Speak up in class, no one is going to laugh at you.

10. Don't be shy around the person you like, they're just a person as you are.

11. No one is going to die because you failed that one test.

12. School isn't just about grades.

13. Taking one day off of school won't **** you.

14. If you put negitive thoughts out in the universe, chances are, fate won't be on your side.

15. Don't push yourself to the point of a panic attack.

16. You will always love the person you fell in love with, and you need to learn to cope.

17. Just because you're posting about them, it doesn't mean they will message you.

18. Wear a dress to school, who cares if people judge you.

19. Look on the bright side of things in every situation.

20. Always be youself, and don't change for anyone.

You turned me into someone
I never strived
to be.

I don’t even know myself anymore. I look myself in the mirror and I see this girl who isn’t me. That girl I see in the mirror..her eyes look dead. They look empty. She’s crying, tears falling from her dull blue eyes; her eyes used to be so radient and happy. Her wrists, shredded up, along with her thighs. What happened? A few months ago there were no scars or cuts. She made herself into a hideous monster. Oh I’m not done yet. This girl, her words cut through people like a razor; just like the ones she used, she has no sympathy. She’s lost, panicking, you can see her anxiety rising, ripping away at her second by second. In the mirror you see her family, they look upset; she did that to them. They’re yelling, threatening. Her anxiety builds up more. Her family leaves, letting her cry alone. She can’t quite say anything right, and ends up taking it out on her beloved friends. She can’t take it anymore. She wants out, but she can’t leave. This girl in the mirror isn’t me, but she won’t leave. This girl creeps up on me, and she scares me.

I haven't thought about cutting myself in a while.
Watching the blood pour,
and feeling the sting.
Watch as my troubles bleed out of me,
and forget that anything mattered.

I dream of my soul being his.

I am told that I should love my body,
and I should not be ashamed.
BUT the white, conservative men tell me otherwise, making me feel nothing but shame.

When did it become okay for a male's education to be more important than a woman's rights?

When did it become okay to sexualize a woman just because her shirt does not cover her rear end?

This is apparent in the things my teachers have told me.
"Your shirt must be fingertip length when wearing yoga pants," she said.
"Why?"
"Because the males that sit in the class might be too destracted to listen to my lecture."

We are treated like *** toys.
Us girls are used for nothing more than a mans pleasure, so they imply.

This is MY body, and no one else's.
I may do what I please,
and no one should have a problem with it.

I refuse to be sexualized and treated like we are living in the 1920s.
But I must conform and live in fear of my consequences.

**** culture is real,
and school's are promoting it.

I hate everything that we've become.

"I need love!" I scream from the top of my lungs,
but he never hears me.
"I want you!" I whisper right behind his back,
but he doesn't turn around.
"Can I get to know you?" I question him as he turns the corner,
not even looking for who was talking.
"You're killing me!" I cry as he listens to the teacher lectures.
"Do you even know who I am?" I mumble as I realize he doesn't even know my name.
"I don't even know you." I say under my breath as he leans to his friend.
"Why am I doing this to myself?" I think as the bell rings and he leaves my view.

I get depressed
just thinking
about you.

I never knew the real you.

My friends are problematic.
I'm failing math.
I have two left feet,
and I'm awkward as hell.

My family fights a lot.
My father is gone.
My mom is a lunatic,
and I'm depressed.

I have scars.
I have a story to tell.
I'm not myself anymore,
and maybe someone better.

I'm always exausted.
I'm in love with a boy named Guy.
I hate myself,
and I'm tired of it.

How did 9 months
feel like an eternity?

My ears can't handle anymore yelling,
my eyes can't take anymore blood,
and my mind can't take anymore failure.

No matter how hard I try;
how hard I ******* try.

My father will never leave my life.

I tell myself on a daily basis that I love myself,
how I look.

I've started to hate myself as the days go on.
My hair.
My eyes.
My cheeks.
My eyebrows.
My flawed skin.
My big hips.
My huge thighs.
My fat stomach.

I keep telling myself,
"you're gorgeous!!"

I can't do it.
I hate myself.

I'm ugly as can be.
Pictures show it.

My face is too oily,
my lips are too dry.

When will I become pretty?
I fear it to be never.

The hatred is back,
and I'm hating it.

MY LUNGS ARE FILLED WITH HATRED,
BUT I'M STILL BREATHING.
I'M SUFFOCATING.
PLEASE SAVE ME.

What's happened to me?

I actually care about what people think.
I care about popularity.
I want the football players to like me.

I've lost sight as to what's true.
I'm not myself anymore.

Who am I?